2014 Fanny Awards Recap; Axel Braun Wins Director of the Year, Not Brad Armstrong

The 2nd Annual Fanny Awards were recently held in Atlantic City during the Exxxotica Convention. What are the Fanny Awards? Let me tell you. It’s kind like Nickelodeon’s Teen Choice Awards, but instead of green goo, a big bucket of jizz drops on the participants. Instead of getting slimed, you get jizzed.

From AVN:

“The second annual Fannys Fan Choice Awards were held Saturday night in the Xanadu Theatre at the Trump Taj Mahal Casino & Resort to close out day two of the weekend’s Exxxotica Atlantic City expo.”

“Voted upon by fans via online ballot, the awards spanned 20 categories, with adult stars Allie Haze, Tori Black and comedian Bonnie McFarlane presiding over the proceedings, which kicked off at around midnight. The show also featured performances by burlesque group Peek-a-Boo Revue, male dance troupe Savage Men and fetish artist RubberDoll.”

OK. First of all, who the fuck has an awards show that starts at midnight? Did they supply methamphetamine to everyone to keep them up? You gotta imagine everyone was at the convention all day signing autographs and trying to hock all of their garbage. Then come midnight, they’re at an awards show. What the fuck? Are you guys outta your minds? It must’ve been the only time the Trump Taj Majal could give them a banquet room.

“The event was sponsored by Club magazine, Chaturbate, Arrangement Finders and XXX Vaporizers.”

Some quality sponsors there.

The winners of the 2014 Fanny Awards were as follows:

“Who’s Your Mommy? (MILF Performer of the Year): Tanya Tate”

“Cyber Hustla (Webcam Girl of the Year): Chroniclove”

Never heard of Chroniclove. Sounds like a black girl. I could be wrong. (ed. you are)

“Thirsty Girl (Best Oral): Riley Steele”

The blow bang she did for Axel after she ran through the warehouse must’ve put her over the top.

“Super Freak (Kink Performer of the Year): Bonnie Rotten”

From AVN Performer of the Year to Super Freak. Yay Bonnie.

“Lifetime Achievement Award: Evan Stone”

“Director of the Year (Best Director): Axel Braun”

Not Brad Armstrong. Brad couldn’t even win Director of the Year at the fucking Fanny Awards. Lost out to Axel Braun. There ya go, Brad. Axel Braun is Fanny Director of the Year.

“T.S., I Love You (Transsexual Performer of the Year): Eva Lin”

Don’t know who she is. Not as up to date on the trannies as I should be, I guess.

“Whole Lotta Love (Ham) (BBW (Fat fuck) Performer of the Year): Kelly Shibari”

“The Who? (Most Underrated Star): Ash Hollywood”

Who?

“Lifetime Achievement Award: Nina Hartley”

Where did she go to nursing school again?

“Studio of the Year: Adam & Eve Pictures”

Don’t know about this one. What blockbusters have they done this year that are better than Wicked or Vivid? You give Axel Best Director for the movies he did for Vivid, but you give Best Studio to Adam and Eve? Makes a whole lotta sense. Whatever. It’s the Fanny Awards. Presented at midnight.

“Webcam Company of the Year: Chaturbate”

Wow, that’s funny. So Webcam Company of the Year is also one of the main sponsors. Go figure.

“Best Branding: Arrangement Finders”

One of the sponsors.

“Best New Product: XXX Vaporizers”

One of the sponsors.

OK I have a question. Where’s Club Magazine’s award?

“Most Heroic Ass (Best Anal): Alexis Texas”

Zzzzz…

“Cocksman of the Year (Male Performer of the Year): Manuel Ferrara”

Zzzzz…

“Movie of the Year: T&A (Rock Star/Adam & Eve)”

C’mon. Axel Braun, you’re the Director of the Year. Studio of the Year is Adam and Eve and a gonzo movie is Movie of the Year. What?

“Non-White Chick of the Year (Ethnic Performer of the Year): Veronica Rodriguez”

I have no idea who you are.

“New Girl on the Block (Female Newcomer of the Year): Belle Knox”

Okaay… That’s the Duke University Facial Abuse girl. Awesome.

“Most Valuable Vagina (Female Performer of the Year): Lexi Belle”

What? Lexi Belle doesn’t even work anymore. Can someone tell me one thing Lexi Belle has been in the past year? What has Lexi Belle been in this last year that has shocked and awed the porn industry? Bueller? Bueller?

So that’s it. That’s the Fanny Awards that was presented at midnight. Still trying to figure out why Club Magazine didn’t win a fucking award. Where’s their fucking award? Chaturbate got an award. Arrangement Finders got an award. XXX Vaporizers got an award. Poor Club Magazine got a big fuck you.

There ya go. The 2014 Fanny Awards held at Exxxotica. Those of you who didn’t show up at midnight, aren’t you sad? I would’ve been sad. Those of you who got to go to Exxxotica and attend the Fanny Awards aren’t sad. You got to go to the greatest awards show ever and you got to hang out with Mr. Marcus. Life don’t get better than that.

That’s like finishing building a house on a hot afternoon and having a naked girl hand you an ice cold Budweiser.

That’s the satisfying feeling you get when you have attended the 2014 Exxxotica Show in Atlantic City and you’ve been part of that experience and part of the magic at midnight of the Fanny Awards.

Follow Rob Black on Twitter @RealRobBlack Email: rzblack@yahoo.com

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