A Review: Not Married with Children XXX

Halloween’s over, but the masquerade continues almost daily in the adult industry now that porn parodies have become the rage again.

It seems everyone’s playing somebody famous from TV these days, and among the best renditions I’ve seen so far, barring Thomas Ward who happens to be gifted with the fact that he looks astonishingly like Bill Cosby, is Eric Swiss.

Swiss brandishing this askew sour lemon face is almost a dead ringer for the earlier, slimmer Al Bundy [as the story goes, named after pro wrestler King Kong Bundy] in Will Ryder’s absolutely brilliant Not Married With Children XXX.

But, in all fairness, Brittany O’Connell, doing what was then a comeback role, is no slouch, either, as Peg, the bane of Al’s wallet and his existence, never missing an opportunity to put the touch on Al or to remind him of his failures in the sack.

Not that Al’s ever shown inclination to cross his self-imposed sexual demilitarized zone. [We’ll get to the staggeringly sexy Kagney Linn Karter as Kelly Bundy in a moment.]

It’s Swiss, though, who truly holds his character to the light in what develops as a very funny movie which features among other things the fact that next door neighbor Marcy [India Summer] wants a divorce from her annoying husband Steve [Dino Bravo] and is making plans with Peg to hold a party featuring a male stripper. You’ll have to look closely- I did. At first I just assumed Evan Stone-in-shades was doing another of his walk-ons, but turns out the stripper’s Nick Manning who takes Marcie upstairs for the Chippendale special.

Al, as you probably know from watching the series, works in a shoe store, although it’s pretty obvious Ryder doesn’t have a major foot fetish. Or, if he does, he’s certainly contained his relish for scenes featuring the arch. One might say this built-in plot device would have been a hanging curve ball for someone of that persuasion. Rather, the director goes for the broad laugh, particularly from the fact that Al in one situation is waiting on a tranny [Kimber James]. Except he doesn’t realize it until the moment of truth when he sees something popping out of her panties.

“I think she has a dick,” Al, master of the obvious, whispers to his smarmy co-worker, Brad Hardy.

Al, you see, is pretty much on the verge of losing his job [a dream sequence shows him being a disgrace to the shoe profession] because Hardy, the new guy, is playing a brilliant game of one upsmanship .

“He keeps insulting me and putting me down,” Al groans

“He shouldn’t be doing that- that’s my job,” Peg retorts. The script is loaded with cute byplay like that.

Hardy, meanwhile, has given Al free passes to the local spa, and Bud [Dane Cross] decides to use them for himself which results in another bit of sexual hijinx involving three cute chicks and Bud’s active imagination.

Hardy, himself, is pretty much nailing every good looking customer that walks into the store by slipping them Mickeys, and is literally cock blocking Al’s commissions when they over spend. Al’s now on probation.

Which brings us to the blackmail motif and Al’s plan to strike back via Kelly. Karter, who has gangbang charisma ten-fold, is a ravishing dream in her black pumps and tight skirts, just like the porn stars of days of old. Because her body language and insinuations drip sex, Kelly’s a natural to lure Hardy into a compromising situation.

Hold on, though. Maybe the funniest bit is when there’s news of a prison break, and Kelly just by coincidence is “entertaining” her new found friend in the living room. It doesn’t take John Walsh to tell you that tough guy Reno’s one of the wanted guys, but dumbass Al is remarkably dense to the monkey shines going on right under his nose.

Parody-wise, it doesn’t get much better than this.

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