After Six Months,The Rob Black Report Card

I’m sure there’s many more to come, but if the uber-talented Monica Foster had one porn cartoon left in her, it ought to be a takeoff of the Rob Black Internet show.

Foster’s already got Black’s character, scruffy manner and East coast patois down perfectly, but to watch Black in action over the course of three hours, coursing back and forth like Benito Mussolini on a balcony, well there’s nothing like it on the airwaves today.

My opinion is that Black wasted his time in porn. He’s a born comedian. That Honey Boo Boo comedy bit he did on his show is five minutes of priceless material.

The time he talked about a terrorist-looking friend of his taking a dump was the subject of email links I sent all my friends and acquaintances because that soundbyte had to be heard.

But the humor does have an edge and comes with a price. If you were raised on the West coast by single parents, live in a basement and are a “keyboard warrior” on some blog site, you’re not likely to get it and are more likely to be offended by him.

The show where Black outed Rocco Reed as a “fanook” [a street version of finocchio] was pure barroom conversation over a beer and a cheese steak. “Fanook” is a word you’re more likely to hear in Philly and New York. It means someone who’s gay and, strangely enough, Reed retired from the business the day after that broadcast. That can be the power of Rob Black.

This week Black rattled the cage of performer Heidi Hollywood and used the word “schifosa” Wow. Who uses that word except a character in The Sopranos? It’s a great word and basically means an ugly woman though I’m sure that would have gone over most of his audience’s heads.

In fact, I’m surprised in talking so much about Mr. Marcus that Black hasn’t employed the word “moolie” or moulinyan [in Italian, the literal meaning is eggplant] but give him time.

Yet, for every great or colorful expletive Black comes up with, he’s likely to mangle a dozen others from the lexicon which lead people to jump to the conclusion he’s an idiot. Which is far from the truth. Black has a brilliant mind and he’s quick on the uptake. Very quick.

On his Friday afternoon show, Black was ready to do a whole bit on Ernest Greene and his condom hypocrisy, but because I posted a last minute story where Stoya pontificated on condoms, Black called an audible at the line of scrimmage and, instead of tackling Greene, did a whole 30-minute quarterback sack on hipster douche bag pseudo intellectualism and the fraud of the feminist movement. Again, brilliant stuff.

Black began his show, if memory serves, the last Friday of March. My thoughts at the time were this is Niccolo Machiavelli doing stand-up. In broadcasting his message of industry reform, this was a cunning, subversive, turn one guy on another subtext laced with pure Rob Blackisms.

Now we’ve had a full six months to evaluate what he’s done and where he’s going. My Chicago Bears cohort, Sean, lent his two cent’s worth earlier, mainly because Black on his show the other day solicited his thoughts on the new format. Predictably, it became Murphy’s Law where everything that could go wrong Thursday night and Friday afternoon, did. Black was on the show braying about codes and links, or whatever.

I watch and listen to the show five hours a day, so, for me, this is a normal day at the office, but for a new viewer tuning in, they must have thought, what the fuck is this? Spanky & Our Gang with a guest appearance by Bill Fox?

When Black announced he was expanding his format from a 3 hour daily show to include another 2-hours in the evening I thought he was completely off his rocker. And Black is out of his skull to tell you the truth.

Without an on-air sidekick, though, without guests, there’s no way one person alone can carry a show for that length of time. Even Howard Stern knows that. Granted, Black has the charisma of a cult leader and I’ve seen him mesmerize audiences time and again, but five hours? Unless you’re making money out of this by now, five hours?

Put it this way. As funny and brilliant as George Carlin was, I’d think after five hours, five days a week, Carlin would begin to wear on you. And those are the problems Black is going to be facing if he doesn’t make major alterations to include a supporting cast of buffoons. It’s good enough for Stern. And wouldn’t it be great if you actually allowed listeners to call in, even if they call you an asshole or a douche bag and you could retaliate? Now that would be great theater.

Because radio and TV broadcasting was my minor in college, I realize I don’t know squat, but what I did learn is that a broadcast when scheduled to go on at noon, goes on at noon.

Perhaps I’m wrong, but Black’s audience at that time of the day, I assume, is a porn lunch crowd, perhaps people that are at work, sitting at their computers with that being the only free time on their hands.

You don’t give them 40 up-front minutes of YouTube comedy schtick. Your message has to come right out of the starting gate, fully prepped and ready to go. But you got three hours to kill, right? Then kill the three hours. Like Sean was saying, if you can’t do it in one hour, as a solo act, there’s a time management issue.

Along those lines, there can be no more trumpeting or filibustering on behalf of UAWA until there’s an official ribbon cutting ceremony and a for-real office is set up to do business. Until then, it’s all moot.

I know, I know. You gotta keep making the sales pitch. I understand that. But my strong belief is that Black jumped the gun and was way premature in announcing this organization. Because, until there’s a phone number you can call and have a sultry voice on the other end answering, “UAWA”, until that happens, UAWA risks being no different than PAW which is, essentially, Bill Margold’s home phone. Thereby, Black also risks becoming the very subject he lampoons, Margold.

One last thought, and a touchy one- Katie Summers. This week Black announced a Summers’ titty show going on at 4pm. It didn’t air until after 5PM. I don’t know about you. If I had made plans to catch that show at 4, my nose would have been slightly out of joint knowing I could have made a quick run to KFC for all my fried fat and Coke dietary needs.

Just like when Black announces on his show that he’s going to take a break then keeps talking for the next fifteen minutes. Again, clock management. The NFL does it all the time.

And allow me to make a grade school analogy. I attended Catholic school and the nuns were positively brilliant at turning kids against one another. [They must have read Machiavelli as did Black.]

Kids hated me for the simple reason that the good sisters always held me up as the litmus test for good study habits and scholarship. Black, by continually harping that Summers was a 19 year old victim of John Stagliano circumstance, while totally true, is unintentionally doing the same harm to Summers. Black tends to ramrod Summers the way Margold continually summons the ghost of Viper every time he gets into a conversation.

Stop making Katie a Joan of Arc martyr already. I realize that Summers, herself, can’t talk about this because of the lawsuit, so move on.

Giving him A’s for originality, industry knowledge, topicality and D’s and F’s for audience participation, time management and gratuitous filibustering, Black scores somewhere between a B- and C+ for this semester.

And like the nuns would say, I know you can do much better, Robert.


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