Another Day in the Mentally Challenged World of Porn

I saw a couple of things today in the porn news that made me laugh. Really funny.

If you checked out the story on AdultFYI yesterday The State of XXX : The Party is Over and The BBW Has Sung www.adultfyi.com/read.php?ID=60296 then you’ll get a kick out of this, too. It proves everything I said about the business being done. Vivid proved my point.

Vivid put out a press release for a movie that they have coming out. It’s a parody of Austin Powers. Directed by long gone Vivid director B. Skow aka Michael Bisco. It went out last night. We talked about it a little on the night show, but we’ll get more into it now.

I don’t understand why they would put out a press release so late, especially with the state of Vivid right now and the fact that they’re not really doing anything that made them the go to studio. It’s a company that is now in free fall.

This press release really proved my point. For those of you who missed last night’s show, I’ll show you what I mean.

From XBIZ:

“Vivid Debuts Shaggadelic ‘Austin Powers XXX: A Porn Parody’”

“Vivid today has announced the debut of “Austin Powers XXX: A Porn Parody,” now available on Vivid.com. It will hit stores nationwide Feb. 25.”

“Directed by the ever-prolific B. Skow…”

There you go. B. Skow has not been with Vivid in over a year. They are promoting a movie that was done well over a year ago and is now just coming out. This is a movie that also stars Allie Haze. This was made when Allie Haze was a contract girl with Vivid. Allie Haze is also no longer with Vivid. In fact, I’m not sure if Allie Haze is even an active adult performer anymore. That’s not being shitty or mean, I just haven’t seen anything recently that talks about Allie Haze being in any movies. As far as I know, she’s just doing dance appearances and escort gigs. She’s sorta fallen off the radar.

This movie also stars Raylene as “the totally shaggable young agent/love interest Vanessa Kensington.” Young agent? Raylene’s about my age and she probably hasn’t done a movie in over a year.

Again, this entire press release just proves everything I said about Vivid and them not releasing anything current or relevant. Putting out movies with directors and contract girls who are no longer with them. In fact, everything I’ve said about Vivid has been correct. I’ve never had to come on and retract anything I’ve said because everything I’ve said is the truth. From Steve Hirsch’s drug problems to the history of David James and of Bill Asher, who actually is the man behind Vivid’s success to Derek Hay being kicked out of the Vivid building to Vivid putting out old movies and not shooting anything current or relevant.

It hurts me that I’m so right all of the time. I’m like the amazing Kreskin.

Let’s see what else is going on. Oh, this is funny. We talked about this a couple months ago, but didn’t really hear anything else about it because I guess the concept blew a great big wet fart. The XBIZ Index. You guys remember this, right?

“XBIZ Index ‘Black Book’ Now Available in Digital Format”

The XBIZ book is in digital format. I guess the collector’s edition coffee table version didn’t go over too well. They had a book that was supposed to be this beautiful hardbound piece of memorabilia. www.adultfyi.com/read.php?ID=60212 But I guess it turned out to be a big piece of shit. If you read about it, it sounds like they’re talking about the Mona Lisa. It was supposed to be a treasured keepsake that you would keep and hold to your bosom forever. It was a business directory, something that Paul Fishbein at AVN did years ago, back when something like this was actually useful. There a bunch of companies back then that did printing, artwork, replication, all the things that you needed to have a successful company and this was contact information for all of these resources. Plus, there were a lot of companies back then, so it made sense to do a book like this because it could actually make money. With the way the business is now, the number of people and companies who are left to fill space in this book would make it as thin as the size of Alec Helmy’s pea sized brain.

This is just a theory, but I guessing XBIZ and everything Alec Helmy does is to launder money or to create a big tax write off. Because there is no way anything they do makes any fucking money. The XBIZ Black Book is a perfect example. Now they’ve come out with the digital version.

“XBIZ is pleased to announce the availability of XBIZ Index, the industry’s “black book” business directory, in a digital format.”

“XBIZ Index is the most-comprehensive resource for connecting with providers of quality products, services and solutions.”

“The hard-bound book debuted last month at XBIZ 360, the annual adult industry trade events series, and for the first time is available online.”

“XBIZ Index is an indispensable curated resource for finding quality providers,” XBIZ Executive Editorial Director Don Parret said. “Users of the digital edition will find the hyperlinked listings a convenient feature.”

“XBIZ Index’s Zinio version operates on PC/Mac, Win8, iOS, Rim and Android systems.”

Then you click on a link and it goes to Zinio.com. Holy shit. Do you know how much they’re selling this fucking thing for?

A hundred dollars. Are you listening to me? A hundred fucking dollars.

These fucking thieves are charging a hundred fucking dollars. For the digital version. It’s not even the coffee table treasured keepsake collectible version. What are they charging for that? A thousand? Which one of you stupid motherfuckers are actually gonna pay a hundred fucking dollars for this piece of shit? If somebody can produce a receipt of any legitimate company that is stupid enough to pay a hundred dollars for this, I will give you a hand job. With a glove on, of course.

A hundred dollars. Are you out of your fucking minds? Fucking amazing. Unbelievable. The information that is contained in this book could be put into a five page newsletter. From the table of contents, it looks like they devote three pages to talent agencies. Other than the fly by night pimps running around, there are maybe five talent agencies. There you go. Give me 20 dollars. Performer testing. There’s two. Cutting Edge and Talent Testing.

Seriously, if anybody pays 100 dollars for this, they are completely retarded. As a matter of fact, if you have so much money that you’re willing to pay 100 dollars for this, I hope you’ll go right now and buy my book Extreme Thoughts by Rob Black. A much better value and it’s only 10 bucks. You save 90 dollars. Fucking bargain if you ask me.

The XBIZ Black Book is just another example of people trying to drain every last dollar out of the poor chumps that are left in this biz. Fucking disgusting.

What else?

This is funny. You know I never really think of this dude until he pops his head up and does or says something stupid. Which is every time he pops his head up. Of course, I’m talking about everybody’s favorite retard Mike Kulich.

Mike Kulich put out a press release announcing a new distributor for his company Monarchy. It’s funny because I gotta imagine that this is a big deal for him. He thinks he’s made it to the promised land. The land of milk and money. He’s gonna be swimming in a river of shekels.

Kulich is just a little boy who desperately wants to be relevant in the adult business. A chubby little boy who has never and will never accomplish anything in the business. So when I read his press releases, I always get a chuckle.

Mike Kulich has announced that he has moved distribution of his three lines to Legend Video.

C’mon, stop laughing. That’s not nice. Stop it now. Yes, I know it’s hilarious but… C’mon. Be nice.

Before I read this press release, I gotta ask. Did Mike Kulich write this press release with his new PR company or did Adella from Fine Ass Marketing write it? Because I have heard that he’s taken press contacts and is trying to steal clients from other PR companies. In the grand scheme of things, Mike Kulich is just a bottom feeder, man. Not an original thought or a creative bone in his body.

If anyone thinks that paying Mike Kulich for PR is gonna do anything to help your career, you are completely delusional and retarded. Almost as retarded as girls who sign with agents thinking that they are gonna do anything for them other than lining them up with hooker gigs.

Here goes:

“Monarchy Inks Deal With Legend Video”

“Monarchy Distribution has announced that three of its flagship brands, including Tranny Factory, Gonzo Nation, and Penetrator Productions are now being distributed by Legend Video.
Monarchy added that it has severed ties with Blue Coyote Distribution.” 

“We had a long prosperous relationship with Blue Coyote, but we felt that signing with Legend we would be able to further maximize our sales and get our product to a larger customer base,”

“Monarchy owner Mike Kulich said. “We already have a huge demand for these lines and we are excited to see what Bruce and his team can do.””

“The three aforementioned lines have previously received industry nods from XBIZ, the Tranny Awards and more.” 

“The full catalog is still available and new releases will continue in March, Kulich noted.

Mike Kulich said in the press release for his new PR company that he had numerous contacts to further his clients’ careers. Now, Legend hasn’t been relevant in the adult business in about 11 years. If he is such a great PR person and has such great contacts, why couldn’t he get distribution with a company that could actually sell more than 100 pieces? Legend doesn’t put out new releases. They are another comp company. Legend used to be run by two partners, Jack and Bruce. Jack sold off his share and now owns pharmacies.

Anyone who goes to Mike Kulich for PR is a dumb motherfucker. To further show how stupid Kulich is, there was an article on the Daily Beast today about his offer to twice convicted murderer Amanda Knox. Kulich will say that it is great publicity because people talk about the company. What, your comp company? Distributed by Legend? People can see that you’re the biggest piece of shit in the world? Awesome, Mike. You’re a real fucking winner. If you want to accomplish something in the business, why don’t you make real fucking movies? Why don’t you try to accomplish something, instead of being a bottom feeding scumbag. Go to The Daily Beast, ladies and gentlemen and read:

“Porn Company Wants Amanda Knox To Star In Adult Entertainment Film”

“An adult-entertainment company wants Foxy Knoxy to take a paltry sum of money to extend her 15 minutes of infamy. Has porn hit moral rock bottom?”

Of course it has. The funny thing is, the 20 thousand dollars he put out there as an offer makes him look even more retarded. He’s so out of the loop. This girl is making millions on a book and this idiot offers her 20 grand? Mike Kulich is so stupid that he doesn’t even know how to play the mainstream game correctly. He doesn’t have a clue, because he’s a little boy, a kid.

Here’s the article:

“How much would you pay to see a reasonably attractive, twice-convicted murderer be gang-banged by a bunch of apes in the adult entertainment industry?”

“Days after an Italian appellate court upheld Amanda “Angel Face” Knox’s guilty verdict for murdering her roommate Meredith Kercher in 2007, a porn company in California offered Foxy Knoxy a paltry $20,000 to debase herself on camera. Monarch Distributions CEO Mike Kulich shared his pitch with The Daily Dot: “As you may have read, and were most likely well aware of, the general consensus is you are absolutely smoking hot. Since you came back into the headlines, our loyal fan base has been e-mailing us non-stop asking about you.” To sweeten the deal, Kulich promised Knox control “over all terms of productions [sic],” including her choice of acceptable sex acts and preferred costar(s).”

“This is a pathetic tradition in the porn world. Never mind the vanishingly small odds of Knox taking a vanishingly small sum of money to capitalize on her much discussed sex appeal: Monarch Distributions has already garnered free publicity by inserting themselves into the media frenzy over Knox’s reconviction (yes, I am contributing to this problem). And that’s the point. The Internet might sneer at Monarch, but all press is good press, after all. Indeed, they pulled the same PR stunt in December 2013 with disgraced PR exec Justine Sacco, offering her $10,000 to star in “Justine’s African Vacation” after her infamous tweet, “’Going to Africa. Hope I don’t get AIDS. Just kidding. I’m white!’” (At the time, Sacco worked for The Daily Beast’s parent company, IAC.)”

“But there is another pathetic porn tradition honored in the Knox “offer.” While the porn universe revels in the “leaked” celebrity sex tape (many of which aren’t actually leaked, but negotiated with B- and C-listers desperate for attention), it also regularly facilitates those attempting to stretch their fame–or infamy–from 15 to 20 minutes. Especially those whose renown is related to a moral failing.”

“Take former “Long Island Lolita” Amy Fisher, who went from being a 17-year-old delinquent who shot her lover’s wife in the face to being a thirtysomething delinquent with her own girl-on-girl porn site. Or Sydney Leathers, who cashed in on her infamy as Anthony Weiner’s sexting partner with a cleverly titled Vivid Entertainment film, “Weiner and Me,” in which she and Weiner’s alter ego, Carlos Danger, act out their naughty exchanges. There’s also Nadya Suleman, better known as “Octomom”, whose singular achievement in life–disgorging fourteen babies from her vagina–was fetishistic fodder for a Wicked Pictures porno that shows Suleman pleasuring herself against a backdrop of baby clothes. And let’s not forget Farrah Abraham’s “Backdoor Teen Mom” collaboration with porn god James Dean and Vivid Entertainment.”

“You get the picture. Indeed, there’s no limit of overexposure for these women. But their attempts to remain media fixtures or to revive flagging reality television careers by showcasing their talents (and various orifices) in adult films invariably fail. In most cases, they gracelessly disappear from the public eye with a tiny bit of cash in their pockets. Only the porn companies win in the end. And if Amanda Knox’s lawyer has a say in the matter, she won’t be reenacting pre-murder sex games on camera anytime soon.”

There you go. There’s your great publicity agent Mike Kulich. Don’t know too many porn girls who are convicted murderers, so I don’t know what he’s do gonna do for them. The only time you get any publicity is when you make some half assed porn offer to someone who either murdered somebody or made some off handed joke on Twitter. Other than that, he’s never done anything of substance in the mainstream ever. Ever. Again, what the fuck have you done except make retarded porn offers?

Anyone who uses Mike Kulich for PR is a moron. End of story. If you murder somebody, he will make you a star. If you need distribution for your product, he can get you distributed through Legend Video and sell 100 pieces. If he had anything worth selling, Legend Video would not be distributing his product. He would be with a real company making real movies. He is a little boy who lives in his parents basement and dates 50 year old women. That is Mike Kulich.

The last update is on Mike South. Yes, good old Mike South. The Hillbilly Rumor Monger. Yesterday, he talked about the same thing we did about sex tape offers and the day before he reported on a tip from a reader that was posted on AVN.com a day earlier. Now he’s reporting on Fabian Thylmann and Cal/OSHA inspections:

“Closing The Book On Fabian Thylmann”

“I am hearing that the case against Fabian in Germany has been settled and he paid a “high seven figure sum” to make it go away. It’s been hard to verify but I did see it reported in a German newspaper.”

“Other than that porn has been VERY quiet lately. I am hearing that OSHA has been been making the rounds with inspections and a lot of non condom producers are running scared.”

Who has been inspected, Mike? I love how he always posts something that he “hears” but never offers any proof or names or any other data to support his claim. This just shows that he’s out of the loop and doesn’t know anything. Just like his super gonorrhea story. He said that there were 20 performers running around with super gonorrhea. Nobody else reported on it and Mike never followed up on it. Why? Because it was bullshit. South invented the story to divert attention away from our truthful reporting on convicted pedophile Kurt Brackob aka Kurt Treptow doing business with XBIZ and The Free Speech Coalition and more specifically, his friend and advertiser; attorney Marc Randazza.

If I knew about studios being visited by Cal/OSHA, I would tell you. I wouldn’t play little guessing games like Mike South. If Mike knows something, why doesn’t he tell what he knows? I’ll tell you why. Because he doesn’t know anything!

When I say something, it’s a fact. When I talk about Mike Kulich and Legend, these are facts. When I tell you that all they release are comps, these are facts. If I know facts I tell you the facts.

If you’re gonna report that Fabian Thylmann’s case has been settled and it’s in a German newspaper, post the fucking article. Let everybody else click on the link and be able to investigate themselves. I could get my German landlord to translate it for me.

That’s called being a journalist, a reporter. Something other than a hillbilly jerk off. Not talking about some girl who he doesn’t name being ripped off by a pimp like Tee Reel. Any girl stupid enough to be scammed by Tee Reel deserves what she gets. In fact, anyone who is with Tee Reel, who is the lowest of low scumbag agents, deserves to be fucked over times ten.

Mike, if you have some awesome information, please post it. If you talk about an article, post the fucking link. Or don’t post anything.

So somebody please find this hillbilly idiot in Georgia and put a big black dick in his mouth. Because I know he would hate it. Not the dick, the fact that it’s black.

Follow Rob Black on Twitter @RealRobBlack Email: rzblack@yahoo.com

Be the first to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.


*