I wanted to comment on my boy Brad Armstrong’s upcoming opus Aftermath.

Brad knows I’m a big fan. It’s funny because Wednesday was Jessica Drake day, where we talked about college kids basically raping her by watching her awesome movies for free without her consent. www.adultfyi.com/read.php?ID=60345 We talked about her college lecture tour with her date Nate Glass and also the connection between AVN and Manwin and the connection between Wicked and Manwin. If a BBQ at Theo Sapoutzis’ house with Gene Ross and Manwin players isn’t enough to convince you that AVN is owned by Manwin, the fact that Twisty’s Treat of the Year Mia Malkova, a girl nobody’s ever heard of, also won Best New Starlet at the AVN Awards might.

But I digress. Back to Brad Armstrong’s Aftermath.

Tom Byron hit it right on the head. Brad Armstrong is the king of the one word movies. Underworld. Fallen. 2040. Countdown. Speed. And now Aftermath. I want to read you the press release because I want to pump up my friend Brad, even though he hasn’t gone to lunch with me and that hurts my feelings. Nonetheless, I pump him up.

From AVN:

“In January, Wicked Pictures and the lines it distributes received more than 20 major AVN Awards, with Brad Armstrong’s Underworld receiving nearly half of them, including Best Director – Feature, Best Drama and Movie of the Year. Now, the filmmaker has announced his first major project of 2014, a romance set in New York and titled Aftermath.”

“An intimate character study with a twist starring jessica drake—a three-time AVN Best Actress, Underworld star and Wicked Girl contract girl—Aftermath begins shooting next week in Southern California. Filming will conclude at the end of the month on location in Manhattan.”

Don’t tell me that they’re gonna coincide the shoot with going to Atlantic City for Exxxotica. Killing two birds with one stone? I have a lotta questions for Brad, but since he won’t go to lunch with me, I gotta ask them here.

“Armstrong has successfully mined the colorful genres of science fiction and fantasy—including such big productions as Fallen, 2040 and his parody of Men in Black—but he’s certainly no stranger character-driven pieces. And he’s clearly enthusiastic about the possibilities inherent in his next project. “I’m very excited to shoot what may well be my best dramatic script ever. And I’m equally excited about the dynamic cast we’ve been lucky enough to bring together, which will feature actresses like jessica drake and AVN Best Actress Remy LaCroix working alongside proven actors like Xander (Bloody Dick) Corvus and Ryan (I’m Not Gay) Driller.”

““At the same time,” Armstrong continues, “I’ve cast some newer performers who haven’t done dramatic parts, including Tyler Nixon and Brandi Love, as well as our award-winning Wicked Girls Kaylani Lei and Asa Akira. Add Performer of the Year Bonnie Rotten and you have an amazing, well-rounded cast.””

“The director’s intricate screenplay focuses on 18 year-old Danny (Nixon), whose mother has given gives him the keys to his late father’s classic hot rod. Discovering a cache of photos and what appear to be love letters written to his dad from a mysterious woman named Nina (drake), the young man tracks her down and a torrid May-December romance develops. But their explosive passion hides a dark truth that threatens to shatter Danny’s life forever.”

“For her part, drake looks forward to creating the character of Nina within the context of Armstrong’s carefully penned romance. “I’m really excited about Aftermath. I love movies with dramatic scripts and compelling characters, and once again, Brad Armstrong has crafted an amazing story. I can’t wait to bring the character of Nina to life with the help of some of the best players in the industry!””

“For more information, visit WickedPictures.com.”

If this doesn’t sound like the biggest fart in the entire world, I don’t know what does.

Axel Braun, who is the other big director at Wicked/Manwin, recently shot Brad’s wife Jessica Drake in Snow White, an epic film for a new imprint called Wicked Fairy Tales. Costumes, special effects, the whole nine. Then he has Sleeping Beauty. After that, Riley Goes to Hell. He is also putting together a director’s cut of the 35mm film Compulsion that he did for Elegant Angel. Busy boy.

All of that is going head to head with Brad Armstrong’s Aftermath. There’s no karate in it. No explosions. No stunts. Nothing but an old hot rod and Jessica Drake, Asa Akira, Bloody Dick Corvus and Ryan Drillhimintheass. I feel like I’m a fan of Martin Scorsese and after putting out The Wolf of Wall Street, he does a Rolling Stones concert film. What the fuck is this?

I’m looking at Underworld. Costumes, creature makeup, people walking on stilts. C’mon, you read Cripple Dan’s review. www.adultfyi.com/read.php?ID=60318 We’re talking serious production value. Dan said even with a coupla flaws here and there, Brad Armstrong makes the best movies in the adult business, hands down. 2040, Fallen. Even the Men in Black parody. Karate, explosions, and stunts are staples in Brad Armstrong movies. He follows up the opus Underworld with this piece of shit? I’m very disappointed in Brad.

It’s definitely low budget. No explosions, no karate, no spaceships. They’re on location in New York. Big fucking deal. Nowadays the equipment you have to pack is minimal. It’s not like they need Panavision cameras. Francois Clousot with a 5D and you’re good to go. Pack up some bullshit lighting gear and get on an airplane. Jessica rooms with Brad and you get Xander and Driller in a room with Tyler Nixon and they can double team him.

What I’m looking at is someone getting the shit end of the budgets at Wicked. That’s what I’m seeing. Somebody said to Brad, “Sales are down. You make a ton of money and your wife is jet setting around the country telling college kids not to download her movies. We can’t give you budgets we gave you before. We have to scale it back, because Axel Braun over there is making fucking opuses.”

Think about this. You got Axel Braun, the brand new director at Wicked putting out Snow White and Sleeping Beauty and Brad’s putting out this snoozer. Unless Wicked has some super awesome cable deal that I don’t know about, this one is a loser and a snoozer.

Underworld had creatures, costumes, makeup, karate. Actually, I don’t know if it had karate, I just like saying the word. How do you follow up something like Underworld with Jessica Drake, an old hot rod and a bunch of fucking love letters? This sounds like something Jackie St. James and Eddie Powell would shoot for New Sensations in a couple days around the valley for 15 grand. Not saying it’s bad at all, but going from doing a movie with special packaging and creatures and all of these special effects to some low end romance movie is a step down. A huge step down.

“Martin Scorsese. Wolf of Wall Street was awesome. What are you gonna follow it up with?”

“Rolling Stones on Tour.”

“Wow…that’s, uhh… great.”

Like when Tarantino did Pulp Fiction and everybody was dying to see what he came up with next and he gave everybody Jackie Brown. Not a bad film, but compared to Pulp Fiction, an amazing original movie with an amazing original script, a classic film that revitalized John Travolta and Bruce Willis’ careers, he follows up with an Elmore Leonard adaption with Foxy Brown Pam Grier. Really? We waited all those years for that? That’s what this is like. I feel so let down right now.

Who’s Tyler Nixon? Why not Xander? I don’t know Tyler Nixon. At least we know who Xander is. Who the fuck is Tyler Nixon? I guess Brad wants Tyler Nixon to fuck his wife, not Xander or Ryan Driller. Fuck Tyler Nixon! I want Xander!

So disappointed right now. We’ve been bragging up Brad Armstrong, hyping up Underworld and we get a big jizz blob right in our dinner. I’m sitting here eating dinner and Brad just jerked off in my mashed potatoes.

Axel Braun has got better movies coming out and he’s got Jessica Drake in them. Better movies and Brad Armstrong’s wife.

“OK Axel. I’ll see your Snow White and Sleeping Beauty and I’ll raise you with Aftermath.”

“Aftermath? Is that some kind of post-apocalyptic, twisted erotic vision that takes place after World War 3 with futuristic costumes and nuclear mutant zombies?”

“No, it’s about a kid with an old car and love letters from a broad that was banging his dead dad. He finds her and fucks her. You know, a romance.”

“What?”

“And uh… it’s partly shot in New York.”

I don’t care if it’s shot in Timbuktu, it’s a shitty follow up to Underworld. Brad, who did you piss off at Wicked/Manwin? Are they giving budgets to Jonathan Morgan now? This is a movie that Jonathan Morgan would make.

For those of you who don’t know, Jonathan Morgan has been at Wicked for almost 20 years. He doesn’t really do the big epics anymore, although he has before and won awards for them. A very capable director, but he does mostly couples fluff pieces. This is a Jonathan Morgan movie. This a movie that can be made cheap. No elaborate sets or costumes. Mostly bedrooms and living room sets. No green screens or monsters with tentacles. This a movie where Tyler Nixon drives up in that old car and goes up to the door and rings the doorbell. Jessica Drake answers it and he says, “I think you knew my dad.” Then they walk around New York and go back to her place and fuck. That’s the fucking movie.

Romance movies are popular because couples like them, you can get them into boutique stores and they’re very cheap to make. Tom Byron was in that movie Torn that won all the awards and I think they shot the whole thing in one house.

I’m very disappointed. Unless that old car turns into a spaceship and flies through the air and Nina gets abducted by an alien creature with tentacles and there is a firefight with explosions in Manhattan and Xander Corvus comes in with some kung fu moves and nunchuks and saves her, this is is a dogshit movie.

What has Brad Armstrong been doing for the past five months? Sitting around the pool eating chocolate cookies while Jessica Drake goes around lecturing college kids about free porn? Unless Brad has been doing gonzo movies that I don’t know about for Manwin or is so staggeringly rich from his Wicked contract, Jessica Drake should be violated with a LaCrosse stick for having the audacity to yell at college kids for not paying for her porn, because whatever money they’re taking from her ain’t hurting Brad Armstrong. He’s sitting around the pool eating chocolate cookies and writing crappy scripts like Aftermath.

I dunno, Brad. Wicked/Manwin might be getting ready to boot your ass outta there. You might wanna put in your resume over at Vivid. Something’s fishy and it’s not Asa Akira’s sushi slit.

Axel’s next movie is Sleeping Beauty and Brad’s is this drizzling shit. What happened to my guy Brad? I thought I was working my way up the cool ladder. I thought I would be going out to dinner with Brad and Jessica, hanging out with the top dogs. I might as well hang out with Barrett Blade or David Lord. Brad’s like an old wrestler on the way out doing the job.

This whole thing is like wrestling. Axel Braun is the top dog at every company he is with. He’s like Hulk Hogan when he was the top draw at WWE. Hogan called the shots. Vivid is WWE. Wicked is WCW. Brad Armstrong is Ric Flair, who was the top draw at WCW. When Hogan left WWE and went to WCW, he became the top draw at WCW. Ric Flair had to step aside. Hogan came in to WCW and said, “I’m the top draw here. I’m the top dog.” And Flair goes, “Yeah, you’re right.”

Axel Braun comes into Wicked and takes the top spot. Brad Armstrong is a mid-carder now. Brad Armstrong wrestles second from last and Axel Braun is the main eventer. Axel Braun is the top dog at Wicked. End of story.

Now I gotta rethink my friend assessment. I gotta hit up Axel now to hang out. Axel is still the top draw. I gotta go back to Axel. Brad is a mid-carder.

Brad basically did the job with Underworld. They said, “You’re dropping the strap. It’s over. We’re gonna let you win some awards and then we’re gonna bring in Hogan.” Brad’s like, “Awww fuck…”

Brad Armstrong is now a mid-card wrestler and Axel Braun is the star of the company. Axel, touché my friend. Touché. You’re the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be.

Hat’s off to you, Axel. You’re the man. Let’s do lunch.

Follow Rob Black on Twitter @RealRobBlack Email: [email protected]