Conversations with Mark Kulkis- final

Porn Valley- I spoke to Kick Ass Pictures’ Mark Kulkis Wednesday night. Kulkis was giving me some of the behind-the-scenes wrap of the Mary Carey Goes to Washington story. I ask Kulkis if the rumors about Mary getting married were true. “Ah, you know Mary,” he states, indicating that Carey gets infatuated quite easily and is marrying a new guy almost every week. The latest story is one of those. Kulkis also thinks that the KSEX bit where they’re offering food inducements to Carey to come in is pretty funny.

Kulkis tells me he’ll be on The Daily Show today. Kulkis plays me a teaser which the show’s been running. There’s something being said about the star of titles like A Load in Every Hole and Inseminated By Two Black Men 5 now being a Republican. “I love it!” Kulkis is saying. “I never thought I would hear a load in every hole being spoken on basic cable.”

Kulkis said the whole trip went incredibly well and that people who went to the Bush dinner last week were business people with nary a Religious Right person in the mix. “Everyone welcomed us with open arms.” The dinner was Tuesday, and, according to Kulkis, there was a cocktail reception Monday night at the hotel. “Mary and I are walking around, and the first thing that happens is this guy who makes a beeline to us. He goes, I want to introduce myself to you. I’m going to be your handler.” Which sounds funny enough. The Handler tells Kulkis that he wasn’t there to rain on his parade or impinge his freedom but that he was basically going to be the shadow where ever they go. “If a Congressman or Senator wants to take a picture with Mary, it’s my job to tell him who he’s about to take the picture with so he can make an informed decision if he wants to take the picture.”

The night of the dinner The Handler reveals that he’s authorize to tackle Carey if she were to try streaking or flashing her boobs. The Handler was actually assigned to Kulkis by the National Republican Congressional Committee. “They were the ones running the event.” The publicity was massive and to such and extent that The Handler was assigned to Carey And from what Kulkis learned, they had skull sessions to determine what options Carey and Kulkis might employ to do their porn-thing. “They didn’t know if we were going to do something crazy,” Kulkis laughs. “Like Bush’s speech- if Mary were to take out her tits. It could cause quite a stir. They just wanted to be prepared.”

Kulkis said he and Carey went around with name tags. “But all they said was Mark and Mary from California.” Kulkis says he and Carey walked around the cocktail reception and people didn’t know who they were. “And it was kind of laughable because Mary was wearing one of her usual kind of dresses where her tits are kind of hanging out.” Kulkis says an old couple comes up to them. “She’s telling us she’s looking forward to this because her cousin twice removed is a cousin of the Bushes. Mary and I are starting to get the giggles talking to these people. They have no idea who we are.” He and Carey then ran into people who told Carey that if she’s making a run for Lt. Governor, they know people who know people. “We can probably get you some financial backing for your run.”

Kulkis then met a woman from Kentucky who came in town with her parents. “She was actually Cuban- Havana by way of Louisville, very conservative,” he says. “Over the course of the two days I managed to charm her where her parents trusted him to take her to New York with him.” I ask Kulkis if the divorced, 30 year-old woman had nice feet. He said, of course. That figures. “Her parents were right there,” says Kulkis. “Her mom said you look like a really nice guy. Originally Mary and I were going to New York to do some media. So I as going to stay one day but I ended up staying a few extra days to just have fun.” The one thing Kulkis discovered is that these D.C. klatches are networking opportunities. “One guy came out and said- at the last two inaugural balls- I’ve done multi-million dollar deals with new people I’ve met.”

During the luncheon where Karl Rove was the speaker, Kulkis said Rove was taking questions from the audience. “We went in with the intent of Mary asking questions but I couldn’t come up with anything and I don’t think they would have picked her,” Kulkis said. “They only had time for four or five. Then we had a press conference at The Coyote Ugly Saloon. They were nice enough to let us have the place for the press conference. That was like a huge success. We had everyone come. The hook was to come see what Mary was going to wear to have dinner with the President. We had every network and A Current Affair. The dinner was at night but the White House didn’t let any media in except for The White House Press Corps to shoot Bush’s speech. Right after that they hustled them all out. But an AP photographer did the quarterback sneak and got in. He started taking pictures of Mary and that got everyone’s attention around us like why is a journalist taking pictures of this girl. Then it dawned, and everyone started coming up to Mary to have pictures taken with her.”

Asked if he got remotely close to Bush, Kulkis said there were 6,000 attendees. “Put it this way, you wouldn’t have known it was Bush giving a speech if his face wasn’t being projected on the wall. They definitely put us on the far side of the hall.” Kulkis said he was looking for familiar faces from the news but didn’t see anyone. “And there would only be a few Congressmen or Senators I would recognize by face.”

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