Cripple Dan Reviews The Awesome Wicked Pictures Blockbuster Underworld

You know it’s funny.

When we started on this journey of The Rob Black Show, we did it to wreak havoc on the people in the business. To put people in fucked up positions. To pit one against the other. To expose things that had never been exposed before. To make people as uncomfortable as humanly possible.

We never gave a shit about performer unions, condoms, none of that stuff. It was all a ruse. It was all bullshit. It put us out there front and center, like when we were written up in The Daily Beast and were talked about on The Young Turks. We did these things to put us on the map.

When we went after the agents, we did exactly what we set out to do. When I had a conversation with Mark Spiegler’s partner George in Vegas a coupla years ago, I told him what I was going to do and that was to be a thorn in the side of the pieces of shit Mark Spiegler and Derek Hay. Derek Hay hightailed it outta town and ran to Las Vegas. We exposed Spiegler for the pimp troll that he always was.

I never intended to form any kind of alliance with the talent or any kind of organization to protect them. I could give two shits. I don’t care if they all come down with syphilis or AIDS. I ain’t putting my dick in any of these slobs.

We talk about whatever it is that we can make fun of or make a bit out of. What we could get people to laugh about or be upset over. To wreak havoc. That’s it. We never had a dog in this fight. The only dog we had was Rob Black and the people associated with him. Whoever hitches a ride with this dog is exactly who we’re fighting for.

I don’t give a fuck about agencies, I don’t give a fuck about hookers, I don’t give a fuck about condom legislation. I don’t give a fuck. Performers advocacy groups, any of it. I don’t care. If it doesn’t put eyeballs on what we’re doing and further our own personal agendas, it’s fucking useless to me.

That’s what there’s so many things that go on in this business that I don’t talk about. I don’t care about AIDS tests conspiracies, or things falling throughout the cracks. I don’t care. The biggest entertainment I get is when somebody comes down with AIDS. When John Stagliano finally gets full blown AIDS, I’m gonna have a party. When Christian Mann finally succumbs to cancer, I’m gonna laugh. Christian Mann destroyed numerous companies that he fronted for Italian Americans. He destroyed more Italian American lives than Rudolph Giuliani did.

I don’t give a fuck. I don’t have a dog in this fight. When somebody sends me something interesting, I’m gonna put it up. I don’t care whether or not Brad Armstrong or Jessica Drake like me or support me. Cripple Dan sent me a review that I found entertaining, so I’m putting it up.

So here’s a review of Brad Armstrong’s movie Underworld written by Rob Black Show fan Cripple Dan.

Brad gave it to Dan at the Vegas show in January and The Crippled One finally got around to writing a fuckin review. Bout fuckin time. Brad Armstrong, I apologize that it took so long. I’m sure I’ll never get Jessica Drake to do the goddamn Odd Couple skit I wanted to do with Katie now. Thanks Dan, you crippled freak.

Enjoy this fine piece on Underworld. Man, I wish someone would get AIDS or die so I would have something to laugh about. Until then, read this review and buy the movie. Or not. I don’t care.

===========================================================

UNDERWORLD

Review by
Cripple Dan

I was originally going to write a detailed review of the Wicked Pictures film Underworld where I spoil the entire movie for those who haven’t seen it yet, but it is a fucking porno film.  It consists of some marginal story build-up and then we see people bump uglies. That formula repeats for 2 hours or so. The only thing more boring than that would be reading an in-depth description of said movie. 

I decided to review it as a product instead because that is where this DVD shines above others. 

I’d like to start by saying that Underworld is not the 2003 mainstream film nor does it have any relation to it.  As far as I can tell the sets have nothing to indicate that what is happening occurs in a world and/or dimension below the one we are currently in aside from what is stated.  Having your adult film share the name of a mainstream motion picture doesn’t help you in internet search results or in originality. 

Director Brad Armstrong was extremely generous and gave me the film.  I am not sure if this is the only pressing of this DVD or if it showed in theaters before the DVD was released, but the high-quality cardboard slipcase surrounding the DVD states that it is a “Wicked Pictures Blockbuster”.  For a film to be a “blockbuster” would mean that it was a commercial success.   If this is the original pressing of this DVD then one would have to either have the ability to travel time, predict the future, take an educated guess, or count all of their eggs before they are hatched in order to claim that it is a “blockbuster”.  I have no knowledge of the financial success of this film, but I’ll just take their word for it.  Brad Armstrong calls it a “blockbuster” in a behind-the-scenes feature on the second disc so I assume that this film was considered a “blockbuster” before a single copy was sold. 

The packaging is very well-done.  There is a cardboard slipcase with an embossed cover that opens like a book to reveal pictures of sex to the consumer.  The film is two DVD’s in a single-disc case and not a long box which makes the shipping and the stocking of this DVD effortless while still having the ability to catch the eye of a potential buyer. 

I viewed the main feature of this film twice because I was conflicted by several aspects on my first viewing and I had the same criticisms of the film on the second viewing. When it comes to the quality of the picture I still think Pirates II was the best-looking porno I have ever seen. With 5 years’ time passing one would think all plot-based fantasy fuck films would resemble that movie, but apparently that is not the case. The audio seemed low to me during dialogue sequences and ambient noise was often too loud during scenes. 

One can easily see that a lot of time was spent on the sets, but not all of them were effective in provoking awe.  At times it appeared as though the props were profound, but the backdrop was nothing more than a sheet or painted pieces of drywall.  One set consisted of wooden frames covered in sheets with X’s stitched into them.  It just looked like a white sheet with thread sewn into it.  It did not resemble stitches in skin as was the intended idea. The stitches on the performers in the scene looked as though they were drawn on with a Sharpie marker and the behind-the-scenes feature on the second disc confirmed that.  Students going to school to become special-effects makeup artists will do that for the cost of supplies.  Exploit that. 

However, the costumes were fucking epic.  Death (Derrick Pierce) had a really cool costume and awesome boots and jessica drake’s (non-capitalized as she prefers) costume in that scene was fucking hot as hell. Hell, all of the women had great outfits.  I would say the second best was the red pleather getup that Asa Akira was donning in her scene with the blood that looked just like water.  She was hot in the scene so that made up for it.  Julia Ann looked amazing with legs that looked like a futuristic desk chair and plumbing parts as shoulder pads.  Xander Corvus was obviously modeled after Edward Scissorhands, but with stilts, top hat, monocle, and he sounded like a gay Spanish travel agent in his scene.  (Or it is more like a Jon Voight accent that cannot be properly placed.)  He had a white face and white hands, but his wang was a normal flesh color when Julia Ann was fellating him in her Borg-like state.  (At least it wasn’t bleeding.) However, there was something rather impressive dealing with Xander’s character that I will get to later.   

Personally, I felt as though there should have been more of a story and less sex in the main movie because at times it seemed like it was nothing more than a fancy gonzo film. There was a little story and then a long sex scene.  The box reads “Display in Couples Section”.  I can’t picture a female watching this from start to finish. They’d be fucking bored. I was bored at times.

Thankfully, Wicked included a second disc with some extremely cool shit on it that I enjoyed significantly more than the main feature.  It contains behind-the-scenes features that show how everything in the film was done including makeup, set building, costume design, and camera tricks. 

Xander Corvus only did the dialogue and the sex. Xander is on the front of the box, but the image of him on the back of the box is a stunt double. That’s called “filmmaking”. Congratulations!

If Wicked can trick the viewer like they tricked me then that means they can have people do fuck scenes who aren’t even fucking.   Think of the possibilities.  Mild male celebrities like Corey Feldman could shoot scenes with someone like Farrah Abraham without ever having to actually put themselves inside of that.  They would have stunt doubles fuck for them.    

The second disc contains a section called “Sex in the Underworld” which is sadly just an extension to the behind-the-scenes feature and not full sex scenes.  I view this as potential that wasn’t properly utilized. 

Wicked could have had a perfect movie with extensive story and shorter sex scenes on the main disc. That would be a more couples-friendly movie.   The usual format of short story and tons of sex is becoming tiresome.  We’ve all seen people fuck before.  Make a movie with an exceptional storyline instead and put the full unedited sex scenes on the second disc.

There could have been a really good story here, but the story constantly stopping for the sex kills it. Give the consumer a movie to watch and let them jerk off if they want to with the added material.  As of now there is a story most won’t even care about and sex in cool costumes. 

Even though there were aspects of this film that I was highly-critical of I can easily say that Underworld did stand out among anything else being currently released.  Wicked is producing the finest product available.  There is no doubt about that. 

They are using condoms too. Condoms are not killing Wicked.  If condoms are going to destroy your chances of selling your film then you are making a shitty film.

With the propensity this industry has to copy off of each other one would think that copying what Wicked does would be the way to go.

– Cripple Dan

Follow Rob Black on Twitter @RealRobBlack Email: rzblack@yahoo.com

Be the first to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.


*