On the Set of Seinfeld A XXX Parody 4/14/2009

Da plane, boss, da plane!

Wrong porn parody, right idea.

The Van Nuys Studio’s located down the street from a friendly airport of the same name. But not so friendly, Monday afternoon. You would have thought that the US had declared war on the Somali pirates and that the Lafayette Escadrille had been drafted out of mothballs.

At least from the sounds of it: Jap Zeros, sputtering Spitfires and the noble Escadrille flying in vast formations buzzing and swooning overhead came and went to the consternation of Lee Roy Myers.

On a number of occasions director Myers has to yell cut.

“Next time we’ll shoot IN the airport,” chuckles Myers who’s helming a Seinfeld porn parody for New Sensations. Myers, who used to work in mainstream comedy, is no stranger to this game having done a XXX parody of The Office and Scrubs also for New Sensations.

Even without the incessant drone of planes- the audio man’s nightmare- Myers has probably picked the toughest subject of them all to fit into a porn format.

To capture America’s beloved anal retentive in his lair, you’ve got a stock company of physically eccentric characters all with their little unique cadences and patois. You require a script [written by AJ Slater] that’s got to be intelligently funny in the same theatre of the absurd way the original show was. Then, like the proverbial spinning plates, you’ve got to keep a bunch of antic storylines all going simultaneously and then you have to include great sex scenes to make a statement beyond the fact that you did a nifty job casting for lookalikes and dressing them up for a costume party.

From what you can see, Myers has done parody in the way old porn could never do it – when to come within two feet of the bullseye was considered a pretty good day’s work. For his part, Myers puts the arrow down the middle, and then, like Robin Hood, splits the shaft with a follow-up shot.

Then, again, most porn directors of yore were given a mere day to deliver a fully realized script with anywhere from five to seven sex scenes. [I know because I wrote more than a few of those.]

Myers had three days over this past weekend to deliver Seinfeld. And considering all that was involved on paper, this is a fairly tight schedule to keep even for the Easter bunny.

Two questions are immediately asked and answered. Is there a soup Nazi character? No, but Evan Stone with an organ grinder’s mustache plays the overbearing porn Nazi who owns the local adult store which is stocked with VHS tapes.

Which brings us to the second question: who plays Kramer? And does he look like him? In the script, Kramer [he’s called “Crammer”] having taken liberty with Jerry’s furniture is shooting a porn movie in Jerry’s living room. While Jerry’s none to happy about the idea of man chowder spotting up his bed, Kramer’s connivances also involve George’s girlfriend Susan [Natalie Norton] and some preening muscle character named Buck [Tony De Sergio]. Whereas George in bathrobe and black socks holds the notion he was going to be in the movie.

James Deen plays Jerry and with some tweaks in his own hairstyle, Deen’s a pretty physically convincing pain in the ass. Steve Pomerantz, who heads up a talent agency in the real world, is a make you look twice George [“Gorge” for purposes of this project].

Newman’s played by one of the editors for Playboy. Another round of applause for superb casting. Christina Rose plays an astonishingly close to home Elaine. New Sensation contract girl Ashlynn Brooke is Jerry’s airhead girlfriend Regina. Also in the cast are Sasha Grey, Sadie West and Cassandra Calogera.

One look at Eric John, though, and you fall off a chair. John, an MIT graduate, glamour photographer and now a porn performer is as close to being Kramer, as Will Ryder’s guy Thomas Ward nailed Cosby in Ryder’s take off of that show.

I’m told that John ain’t wearing a wig. [Electric current is the only way to describe the miracle that keeps his ‘do afloat.] In fact no one in the cast is wiggin’ it, which begs tremendous kudos for the stylist. Certainly dressed for the occasion, John’s got Kramer even down to the white socks and shoes.

If someone were doing a Greenwich Village sex movie [a favorite subject of skin flicks of the early Sixties], Myers could certainly pass for a beat poet – he’s got the goatee and owlish glasses. And because he’s tackling Seinfeld, Myers has certainly got the bongos.

“For the first of hopefully a long line of these, we want to bring back well known characters from the TV show,” Myers is saying.

“Cassandra Calogera is playing the part that Teri Hatcher made famous on Seinfeld. Ashlynn Brooke’s character is a mix between two characters from the show. So there’s a lot of referential characters on this, and without talking out of my ass, I think we’re pretty spot on with this one. I’m excited and amazed.”

Myers, a TV comedy fan, basically says you can’t even be one without worshipping at the altar of Seinfeld.

“In our set pieces everything says Nineties except the dialogue which has modern references. All of it entwines to make a chaotic, New York adventure.”

Compared to the real sets, Myers certainly holds his for comparison to the originals.

“I would say 99.9% of the set pieces are accurate to the show. We’re not going to get any better with a billion dollar budget.”

Asked why he employs the phrase “used to” in describing his mainstream career, Myers, smitten with porn, says through luck and who you know, the ulcers he used to have aren’t with him any more.

“I love this a lot more. I can shoot a lot of stuff in a day and can see what I do. It’s real independent cinema. I would have to say that porn is the last true independent cinema with fewer boundaries. We get to do what we want to do, and you can’t enjoy that more.”

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