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I’m not a porn lawyer, and my Super Star Billy Graham look won’t allow for a ponytail. Yet, I hear lawyers telling this business that even if AB 332 went into affect there are no resources available to bust you. Really?

Let’s look at the case of Rob Black this week and what happened to me outside of a Denny’s about seven years ago.

On Friday, Black in his inimitable, colorful oratory described his bust in North Hollywood the day before. While he didn’t mince words about the arresting officer, Black, probably because of the delicate situation he’s in, made sure that he praised LAPD to high heavens that it not be judged by a couple of rotten apples.

Again, I’m not a lawyer, but from what Black is saying he may have a good lawsuit against LAPD. I would love to have one-tenth the annual income that LAPD pays out in harassment cases and unlawful shootings. Which makes me wonder if the late Sledge Hammer’s family ever filed a wrongful death suit against LAPD.

I know Rob’s been hanging out in the Burbank/North Hollywood area these days and doesn’t know what’s going on here in Porn Valley. But Ventura Blvd. has become a hot trolling area for LAPD and bullshit traffic tickets and fines.

It’s not expressed in so many words, but LAPD, you see, is the unofficial tax collecting branch of LA County. I live overlooking the Boulevard, and a day doesn’t go by that some motorist is being pulled over for what the cops call an “illegal right turn.” In fact, dozens of motorists are, which is not an exaggeration, because LAPD uses a number of drive ways off the Boulevard to situate a cop with a radar gun hoping to catch speeders. The illegal right turn has become the next best thing.

It’s LA County’s way of making revenue.

Now, this was about seven years ago, and it was the first Sunday of the NFL season. That morning I’m having breakfast at Denny’s. This Denny’s is adjacent to a motel which used to be the out of town headquarters for porn performers like Samantha Strong who got flown in to do shoots.

I’m coming out of the Denny’s parking lot, and there’s an LAPD black & white parked on the other side of the street. I make a right turn onto the Boulevard and the cop, making a U-turn, gets behind me and pulls me over.

He looks like Derek Hay so I’m already taking an instant dislike to him. I asked him what I did wrong.

“You came out of that motel,” he charged.

I begged to differ and reached for my Denny’s receipt which was time stamped to show that he was full of shit. Wrong move because Roy Rogers immediately went for his gun. I put my hands in the air and explained that I was reaching for the receipt. I then showed him, with proof in my hand, that we had an honest difference of an opinion. I had no choice but to put it that way. In fact his female partner was looking at me with apologetic eyes that any of this was happening to begin with.

“We know who you are,” the cops said. Which got me wondering. If the LAPD knows who I am, they know who the rest of you are. You’re being watched and don’t think you aren’t.

The cop explained that prostitution and porn was being run out of that hotel. I knew at the time that at least one industry talent agency was working out of there. And Damien Michaels porn’s most notorious pimp and scumbag, was found stabbed to death in one of the rooms a few years later.

The Derek Hay cop let me off with a warning as I’m leaving you with one. The LAPD seems to have the time and resources to make penny ante busts, and they’re watching your every move.

One more story as illustration of what I’m talking about. Rob Spallone was shooting a movie at a private house in the Valley, and Spallone, like most of the business, didn’t secure a permit. All’s fine until Spallone makes a pick-up at a local deli for sandwiches.

While in the deli waiting line, Spallone’s on his cell phone talking about the shoot to the other party not realizing that some one from LAPD vice [in plain clothes] was standing behind him in line. No sooner did Spallone get back to the location that several LAPD black & whites pulled up and shut the location down for lack of permit. It’s that easy.

If AB 332 goes into effect, condom busts will be one more source of revenue for financially strapped LA County. And don’t let lawyers tell you otherwise. I’m proof. I was also at the Spallone shoot when all this went down.