We got a press release Sunday night.
It was from Axel Braun. He is a friend of The Rob Black Show and a friend of mine. He’s a friend of ours.
We’re both Italian and our friendship goes back to the days of MiFed, a trade show in Milan, Italy. Axel is from Milan and that is where we first met almost 15 years ago. Back then Axel was only dreaming about coming to Los Angeles and being a big shot Bentley driving motherfucker.
He took Tom Byron to the airport after the show to go to Amsterdam to fuck hookers or whatever else he did for 5 days while me and Lizzy and my parents went sightseeing all over Italy. Tom Byron said Axel drove about 1000 miles an hour and he thought he was gonna fuckin die. But Axel got him to the airport on time for his flight.
I’ve known Axel for a long time and Axel is a good guy. Axel and his team edited Superheroine 3D for me and did a great job. He even let me take a month to pay him on the goddamn thing. Which is nice. So Axel’s always been there.
I needed a car though, and he gave his Mustang away to Marci Hirsch’s son which kinda bummed me out. I still need a car. If you got an extra car laying around Axel, I need a fucking car. We have a rental car and it’s a piece of shit. If you got an extra car, I would be more than happy to take it off your hands, ya cocksucker. You know, throw a fuckin gift over here to your fuckin paisan.
I’m gonna read Axel press release and put it up on AdultFYI. It’s funny and it’s relevant. I don’t know how relevant my friend Axel is anymore, but we’ll see how things go at Wicked.
The press release states:
“AXEL BRAUN NAMED AVN DIRECTOR OF THE YEAR FOR THE 4TH CONSECUTIVE TIME”
“Adult Director Makes History At Star-Studded Las Vegas Event”
OK, first let me bust your balls a little bit. You do realize that winning these awards now amounts to when baseball had the steroid era? You do know that the golden age was when yours truly was winning these awards babe. I’m going up against Greg Dark, John Leslie, Michael Ninn, Paul Thomas back when he gave a shit about making movies and they were films, that type of stuff. Classics, Axie. Classics baby. You’re going up against Jordan Septo, fer crissakes. And Ralph Long, OK? Enough already. But 4 times in a row is a pretty good fuckin showing.
So here goes:
“It was another stellar night at the AVN Awards Show for legendary Adult director Axel Braun, who took home the prestigious Director Of The Year trophy for a remarkable fourth consecutive time, a feat never accomplished before in the history of the Adult Industry.”
OK, I’m gonna read your little statement here even though you didn’t throw my name in there which kinda pisses me off. But it’s OK. I don’t know why the fuck you threw Scott Taylor’s name in there considering you quit on the set of a New Sensations movie. But that’s neither here nor there. Scott Taylor’s a jerkoff.
“This is just surreal” said an overwhelmed and clearly surprised Braun in his emotional speech…
“…before thanking the industry icons whom he’s been associated with over the span of his career “I’ve been in the industry 24 years now…”
Bullshit. 24 years? You count driving Tom Byron to the airport as being in the business? Bullshit. Your dad was in the business. C’mon now.
“…and I’ve been lucky to work for some pretty amazing people: Russ Hampshire at VCA, who gave me my first directing gig…”
You sound like me now. Is this Axel Braun’s resume or is this my resume?
“Patrick Collins at Elegant Angel, who became a mentor and a huge father figure to me…”
Axel, enough already. You gotta stop imitating me. Because your next stop is going to jail, getting a divorce, being broke and living above a dingy strip club. YOU DON’T WANNA DO THAT AXEL! You don’t wanna do that, alright? Right now you’re following in the path of Rob Black, fer crissakes.
“Scott Taylor at New Sensations, who taught me that making a good movie is not enough…”
Axel, Scott Taylor is a douchebag who was making Video Virgins with Lee from New Beginnings. Them two, shooting Tom Byron for 150 dollars, trying to get him to work for 100. OK? Please. Scott Taylor and his fuckin wig is a jerkoff. I called his office and he won’t even pick up the phone. He’s a fuckin fanook. Fuckin jagoff.
But I digress…
“Larry Flynt, a hero and an example to all of us…”
OK, I’ll give you half that. Even though the crippled cocksucker threw me under the bus during my obscenity case.
“Steven Hirsch at Vivid, who allowed me to make most of the movies that I’ve been winning awards for in the past four years…”
Very true, Ax. We all know that. Steven’s a dick, but you gotta throw a big shout out to him.
“…and now Steve Orenstein at Wicked, a man whose integrity and dedication I truly admire and respect. Most of these people are here tonight, and I want you all to know how much I appreciate them for inspiring me, tolerating me, and helping me get to where I am today.”
Now, you shoulda thrown out a big shout out to Rob Black. But that’s OK. I’ll deal with it in time.
“Braun also won Best Parody-Drama for Man Of Steel XXX: An Axel Braun Parody, along with Best Special Effects for Iron Man XXX: An Axel Braun Parody…”
OK, real quick. While AVN put out an article saying the parody’s not dead, Axel did Iron Man two years ago. Two and a half years ago. He made Iron Man at the same time I did Iron Man for Extreme Comixxx. Axel’s Iron Man costume kept falling apart. Dale DaBone actually stopped by our set when we were doing it with Seth Gamble and said, “Your Iron Man’s better than ours. Ours keeps falling apart.”
Axel and them shelved Iron Man until ours came out and ran its course. So when AVN gives it an award and says it’s relevant in 2014, it wasn’t made last year. It was made in 2012 and released in 2013, because Rob Black beat him to the punch. Little history lesson there.
…cementing his reputation for excellence in superhero-themed parodies. “It takes a village…” Braun offered as he accepted the Best Parody award, adding “Well, here’s my village” while welcoming on stage his Director of Photography and longtime friend Eli Cross, who’s been a close collaborator of his for many years…”.
Eli Cross aka Bryn Pryor, who’s just a miserable cocksucker, who is just a miserable human being, just an evil motherfucker. Talented beyond belief, but personally is just an asshole. A mean, nasty jerkoff who thinks he’s better than everybody else. Which, when it comes to shooting films, he is. But to the real world, he blows my balls. But now that nobody’s shooting anymore, he’s out there sucking dick like everybody else, or doing crowdfunded Steampunk westerns that nobody gives a shit about. There’s your fuckin Eli Cross.
“Man Of Steel’s male lead Ryan Driller, winner of the XCritic Award for Best Actor-Parody, also joined the director on stage. “Axel made me grow my hair, kill myself at the gym to put on 40 pounds of muscle, and spend crazy long days on set to have really uncomfortable sex in spandex…and it was all worth it!”
Ryan Driller, the supergay crossover star who used to fuckin suck the jizz outta Axel’s cock in the fuckin trailer. “When Axel told me to swallow his big Italian braciole, I did whatever I had to do so I wouldn’t be known as the supergay ass pounder who was Derek Hay’s bitch. And now that nobody’s shooting movies anymore, I guess I’ll go back to sucking cock. Axel, can I suck your cock again please?”
“Among Braun’s awards was also Best Music Soundtrack for Grease XXX, a long-gestating project he eventually turned over to fellow director Will Ryder due to scheduling conflicts. “I had a lot of fun bringing Seth Gamble and everybody else in the studio…”
Seth Gamble was younger and cuter than Ryan Driller and also swallowed Axel’s jizz.
“…said Axel, who wrote, produced, and arranged all the tracks, “and even though I ultimately couldn’t shoot the movie, Will did a truly fantastic job with it and I’m just happy that my small contribution got recognized.”
Can we be real here? Scheduling conflicts? Conflicts, schmonflicts. Axel Braun was going to do Grease. He wrote the scripts, he did everything. It was supposed to come out through Hustler. Hustler ain’t shooting movies no more, so Will Ryder jumped on it, Axel gave him the fuckin thing, they whacked up a couple fazools. There ya go. It’s an Axel Braun movie. I love Will Ryder, but Axel’s ten times better a director than Will Ryder ever was or ever will be.
“Braun’s own contract girl Riley Steele, who pulled a massive crowd during her signing stint at the Wicked Pictures booth, was also honored, taking home the trophy for Favorite Female Porn Star. “I’m so happy!” said Steele with a big smile, “This was a fan-voted award, and it really is so special to me…I love love love my fans, and I am so thankful for their support. It was a great night for Axel Braun Productions and I’m totally excited for all the projects that me and Axel have coming out this year!”
When? When are they coming out Axel? When? That’s what I wanna know.
“Riley’s first ABP movie, the long-awaited Riley Goes Gonzo, will be available on DVD in stores nationwide on January 22.”
That’s Wednesday. Riley Goes Gonzo comes out Wednesday. Axel, I’ve seen the fuckin trailer, it’s awesome. But basically it’s Bryn Pryor shooting a gonzo movie with the Canon 5D. Riley Steele running around a warehouse and doing a blowbang. Axel, I invented the blowbang! You got Riley Steele, a very pretty girl doing a blowbang. That’s your long awaited movie? You debut from Wicked Pictures? You couldn’t put her in some kind of super hero gonzo? You got her running around? You know what else I love about it? There’s no condoms! So it’s an Axel Braun production put out through Wicked and there’s no rubbers. Great.
So there’s your fuckin press release from the great Axel Braun. He’s a legend and I congratulate him.
But again, your history is very similar to mine. So let’s hope you don’t end up losing your wife, losing all of your money, going to jail and living above a dirty strip club. Because with history like starting with Russ Hampshire and Patrick Collins and growing up with a father in the porn business, you’re following the same fuckin path as me.
Now I love you as always, but here’s the thing Ax. I will continue to give you great press. And I will continue to put you over as the greatest director in the world. But here’s the thing motherfucker.
There’s a quid pro quo. Quid pro quo.
If you ever make another movie again that’s not some 5 scene gonzo shit, there’s an old crusty douchebag that sits in the other office who handles all of the producing and writing duties for The Rob Black Show and his name is Tom Byron. And in case you don’t remember, he was Obi-Wan Kenobi in your hit movie Star Wars and he won an award for that. And that old crusty douchebag can be in some epic Axel Braun movies. And if old crusty douchebag Tom Byron was in some Axel Braun movies for Wicked, I imagine that we would talk about it round the clock non stop. Yes we would.
And I also do some non sex performances. Yes I do. You might remember I played a role in a film called Spiderman and I played JJ Jameson. Yes I did. I played JJ Jameson and I was phenomenal Axel Braun. Yes I was. It took me a little while to get the lines down, but when I did I was PHENOMENAL! Yes I was, Axel Braun. I think there needs to be another non sex role for Rob Black, Axel Braun.
Can you imagine the publicity of a movie with Tom Byron, Rob Black AND, Axel Braun, there is a cute girl who is in better shape than 90% of the girls out there and her name is Katie Summers.
Katie Summers is a helluva performer, Axel Braun. She’s actually performed in a coupla movies for you. I think a movie with Katie Summers in it would be phenomenal, too.
So, Axel Braun. Quid pro quo.
If the day should ever come and you actually make another movie that is not Riley Steele Goes Gonzo, because I’m not gonna run around in a fucking warehouse and do a fucking blowbang. Not gonna be jerking off Tom Byron and I’m definitely not gonna have Katie Summers get gangbanged by seventeen dwarves, OK Axie?
You’re gonna make an Empire Strikes Back. I’m talking serious roles here, Axie. Who could I be?
I’ll be Lando Calrissian! I’ll put blackface on. In honor of Martin Luther King’s birthday. In remembrance of Dr. Martin Luther King, I’ll put fuckin blackface on! I’ll fuckin be Lando. Alright? I’ll fuckin be Lando.
Have Dick Chibbles grab me by my throat, “I know where Han is!” Then he lets me go. “We can save Han!” Then we run and rescue him from his carbonite prison.
Listen Axel Braun, you sonofabitch. We can make epic films. I’m your fuckin man. Everyday we promote it to the millions and millions of people that listen to The Rob Black Show, you cocksucker.
So listen, if you ever get back to making epic films instead of Riley Steele blowbangs, I’m your fuckin man.
Tom Byron comes back as Obi-Wan. Katie Summers? Fuck Allie Haze! We do Katie’s hair up brown, put the little cinnamon roll things on her fuckin head and she’s Princess Leia!
So, Axel Braun. Congratulations to my fellow paisan.
Because, as always, you are a friend of mine. And a friend of mine is a friend of ours. And any friend of Rob Black is always a fucking success.
And if you got any spare Bentleys… A Camaro! A fucking Camaro IROC ya sonofabitch! You’re Italian, I’m Italian! Two Italian retards out cruising!
Quid pro quo.
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