I believe in America.
That’s the opening line from The Godfather, but it’s also how I feel. I’ve been through the trials and tribulations of life in this country. I’ve been to prison for making a movie. Persecuted by the federal government for ten years. I’ve seen the good and the bad. I’ve seen what the government can do when I was a youngster. My father was persecuted by the government and the IRS. My house was raided back in the 80’s because my father and uncle made a movie. So I’ve been there when it comes to knowing what the government is capable of in America.
But I will tell you this. There is no other place on this fucking earth I would rather live than the United States of America. When you hear people bitch and moan about this country, whether it’s Edward Snowden and wiretapping, Hobby Lobby and gay rights, people bringing guns into restaurants, etc. If you take all of the good and the bad and put it into a ball, at least you can sit in a cafe without worrying about a rocket swooping in and hitting you in the face.
Think about that. For all the faults that the USA has and all the people on one side who complain that gays can’t get married and the other side complaining that gays getting married will destroy families. You know what will destroy your family? A goddamn rocket in your face! How are two people exchanging vows gonna affect your life more than walking along the street in Jerusalem or the Gaza Strip and getting blasted with a missile? But that’s what these people have to worry about every day.
People say I’m being over dramatic. No I’m not. Think about it. Iraq, shitty. Iran, shitty. Israel, shitty. Palestine, shitty. Syria, shitty. The Ukraine, super fucking shitty. You name it, any other country is shitty. For all of its flaws, America is still the best place to live hands down.
You all know how I feel about Republicans and NRA gun nuts. But I would rather be sitting in Chili’s with Katie Summers and have a bunch of yahoos come in with their AK-47’s and sit down next to me than have a rocket in my face while I’m eating my Awesome Blossom. At least I can go to the hospital and get a bandaid without worrying about a rocket in my face. At least I can get on an airplane and fly to Vegas without worrying about it exploding in the air.
I hear people bitch about what’s going on in Iraq, but that’s over there. We don’t have a bunch of idiots rolling around in beat up pickup trucks blowing shit up and cutting off heads. I hear people bitch about our president “Ohhh, he’s the worst president we’ve ever had. We need to impeach him!” How’d you like to have Putin or Assad as your president?
There’s no place better than the United States of America. No place. Canada? Canada doesn’t count. Canada is the USA’s stepchild. Kinda like that kid who comes with your new wife and you have to be nice to it like you are to your other kids but you really don’t like it. But as long as it doesn’t get out of line and talk back you tolerate it. Brazil? Really? If you want AIDS or to be carjacked by motorcycle riding favela dwellers, be my guest. Live in Brazil. Africa? Take your pick. AIDS or Ebola? Then you got Boko Haram or some other wacky warlord. Australia? First of all that accent will drive you up a wall, every animal or insect on that continent will kill you and they can’t even find a Malaysian plane. Fuck Australia.
People crying “We need to take our country back!” From who? The black man has our country in chains? I think being able to freely travel without a rocket in our face is better than the evil black man in the White House. I see Wolf Blitzer on TV when the air raid sirens go off while he’s in a mall somewhere in the Middle East. Imagine if you’re at the Northridge mall or Farmer’s Market and you have to get under a table to avoid an incoming missile that blows the place up. I will take the black president listening to every dirty phone call I make if I don’t have to worry about a rocket attack while I’m at my favorite rub and tug.
So give me a break when you talk about what freedoms we are losing and gay marriage destroying families. The American people are just spoiled. They really are. You can go on any media outlet from CNN to Twitter and talk all the shit you want. You can be Ted Nugent and call the president a mongrel, you can put up a website that says Hillary Clinton likes to blow donkeys. You name it, you can say it. If you’re famous you might have to issue a tearful apology and after a period of time all is forgiven. Paula Deen anyone?
You can do whatever you want. Step back and think about all the things we can do in America versus what we’re not allowed to do. There are over 20 states where you can legally smoke weed if your elbow hurts. In two states you can go get fucked up just because you want to get high. That’s here. That’s in the country where the black man is taking away everybody’s rights. You can smoke weed for your tennis elbow and not have to worry about a rocket in your face while you’re playing tennis.
We don’t we have? We have trucks that drive up and down the streets of California and park and serve food. They’ll pull right in front of a restaurant that pays rent, property taxes and has to follow health codes and these roach coaches can steal customers left and right. We can drive any day of the week. Not in Brazil. In Sao Paulo, the traffic is so congested you can only drive every other day depending on whether you have an odd or even number on your license plate. In America? If there’s a traffic jam you wait and listen to music or news, or you can get a motorcycle and weave between the cars. It’s a free for all in this country.
There is no better place to live than here. And this is coming from somebody who went to prison because he pissed the government off. Once in a while there is a case that tests the limits of free speech, but they are few are far between. You have hate sites left and right and the KKK handing out candy door to door encouraging people to join the fight against the wetbacks. You can say or do anything you want and nobody gives a fuck.
This is the greatest country on earth. You want proof? Take out a piece of paper and write down everything that’s wrong with America. Take another piece of paper and simply write “I can go to the mall and not worry about a rocket in my face.” Then take that other piece of paper and wipe your ass with it. Or move to the Middle East or Brazil or the Ukraine. It’s your choice. America gives you that choice.
Follow Rob Black on Twitter @RealRobBlack Email: email@example.com