Sean Awards the Stories of the Week: Smash Pictures, Fox Business, Wilfried Knight, Cameron Cain, and the Canadian Border Service Receive Gold Stars

Sean writes – We don’t make the news, we just exploit it.

The Mess with the Bull award goes to Smash Pictures.

Using the word parody or some other synonym for it in a title for a fuck-flick doesn’t save one’s ass from getting it sued off.

It appears Smash Pictures learned this lesson the hard way.

Universal Studios has completed a settlement with the makers of Fifty Shades of Grey: A XXX Adaptation. According to a court filing, Smash Pictures will make a payment of a confidential sum to make the lawsuit go away and also will consent to a permanent injunction that will prohibit the distribution of the XXX Adaptation.

Dope of the Week award goes to University of North Carolina professor Paul Frampton.

Frampton is a physicist but proved this week he’s no rocket scientist.

This dope was conned into believing that he was communicating with famous Czech bikini model Denise Milani after meeting a Milani imposter on a dating site.

So, the poor, lonely and recently-divorced Frampton was hooked by the Milani impostor, and after failed attempts to talk to her on the phone [alarm bell should be ringing], was finally told to come to Bolivia, where she was doing a photo shoot, to meet her. The plot is rather simple. Obviously, the “woman” online was not Milani, and when Frampton showed up in Bolivia, she was not there.

However, she contacted him and told him that she had to leave quickly [another alarm bell] to go to another shoot in Brussels, and he could just meet her there. All he had to do before he came was pick up a bag she left behind and bring it to her, which he agreed to do. That would turn out to be a huge mistake.

As you should have already figured out, that bag left behind was lined with cocaine and now this dope is sitting in a Bolivian jail facing a sentence of 4 years and 8 months for drug smuggling.

The Mindy McCready award goes to French gay porn star Wilfried Knight.

Knight was found dead March 5 of an apparent suicide just two weeks after the suicide of his husband, Jerry Enriquez.

In what could be the most asinine statement I’ve heard in some time, this couple’s friend, Michael Mew claimed: “They would both be alive today if America had gay marriage.”

No, they would still be alive today if they hadn’t killed themselves.

The One Man’s Kid’s Toy is Another Man’s Child Porn award goes to the Canada Border Services.

A 47-year-old St. John’s man is accused of mailing obscene material and possessing child pornography after Canada Border Services seized a package destined for his St. John’s residence. RNC Constable Talia Murphy says the object seized was a sex doll.

Murphy says the doll was deemed to be child pornography. She says it resembles a pre-pubescent female, 4’2″, and is made of a foam-like material. Constable Murphy says it comes with accessories that would be used for sexual gratification purposes.

Oh, but the story doesn’t end here.

Trottla is a Japanese company that produces and sells child-sized, life-like dolls. The company clearly states that the dolls are not to be used for sexual purposes, but if they’re just kids’ toys, why the hell would you dress them up in matching white lace lingerie sets and give them teeny weeny awkward nipples?

Canadian Border Services considers this doll a pedophile’s wet dream and I happen to agree.

The Porn Industry’s Mother of the Year award goes to Aurelia Kambic but porn fans may know her as Cameron Cain(e) [pictured before and after crack].

Between 2002 and 2008, Kambic appeared in more than 80 videos, including such greats as Freshman Fuckfest and the porn classic, Young Ripe Mellons.

Apparently her post porn career hasn’t been very successful considering cops in Longwood, Florida, received a report this week that a young blond woman was sitting idly in a car parked outside of a Big Lots. The caller said she looked “stoned out of her face.” When police arrived, they found her clutching a crack pipe and had a 2-week-old boy strapped in a car seat in the back.

According to the Orlando Sentinel, an officer arrived at the scene and knocked on the woman’s front window. Though her eyes were open, she didn’t immediately show any signs of responding to the knock. After the third knock, she stared at the officer for several seconds and then finally rolled down the window.

The officer noticed the woman was holding a glass pipe normally used for smoking crack cocaine. The woman struggled as the officer tried to confiscate the pipe, and she eventually threw it under the car.

She was later taken to the hospital for observation. Asked to give a urine sample, she provided only a cupful of warm water.

The child was unharmed and is now in the custody of his father.

Kambic has had several prior arrests on drug charges, and for this incident she was charged with child neglect and possession of drug paraphernalia.

The Seka Mathematical Institute award goes to Liz Claman and the Fox Business Network.

Is it Sweeps week? Did Fox Business Network find a 20 year old copy of AVN? Those were the only two conclusions I came up with after watching Liz Claman’s glowing report on porn economics.

Here are a few highlights that should brighten your day [if you’re delusional]:

* “Anywhere between 8 to 13 billion dollars for the US porn industry.”

* Porn sales revenue increased 13%.

* Adult stores carrying porn was up 13.8%

* 67% of porn is bought by women.

Porn is all about fantasy, right? Here is a shot of reality.

Liz Claman’s report was shot at the Penthouse studios in Chatsworth. Penthouse is owned by Friendfinder Networks, Inc. which happens to be a publicly traded stock [FFN].

Wanna buy some Friendfinder Networks, Inc. stock? It closed Friday at 56 CENTS a share off its 52 week high of $2.15 a share. Not exactly a DOW 30 component. I guess Wall Street hasn’t read the good news.

Larry Flynt is downsizing by recently selling his massive office building.

Hustler Magazine has a circulation of 150,000 from a peak of 3 million.

Free tube sites and piracy? We all know how that has crushed revenues.

And if sales are so great why can’t one particular adult company in Burbank co-owned by an AVN Hall of Famer struggle to come up with a lousy $200 it owes for a banner ad?

And lastly, let’s not forget that 99.9% of porn companies are privately owned therefore they don’t have to make public their sales and revenue.

Be the first to comment

Leave a Reply