Sean Awards the Stories of the Week: Tod Hunter, Jennifer Marchant, Papa Smurf, Peter Acworth and James Deen Make Room in the Trophy Case

Sean writes – We don’t make the news, we just exploit it.

The Dumbass Twitter of the Week posted 02/10/2013 goes to Tod Hunter ‏@ttodhunter.

In Hunter’s infinite wisdom in commenting on the search for cop killer and general psychopath, Christopher Dorner, he gave the Twitter world this bit of idiocy:

“If I see #Dorner I’m keeping my mouth shut. I’m not going to sign his death warrant with the LAPD.”

As we all know Dorner killed two members of law enforcement and two innocent civilians in his one man war against society.

Dorner signed his own death warrant when he killed 4 people. I tip my hat to the San Bernardino County Sheriff’s Department for tracking down and eliminating this threat.

If you don’t like the actions of law enforcement take some friendly advice: next time you’re a victim of a crime, call a hippie, a drug addict or a gang-banger. I’m sure they’ll be more than happy to help you out.

The Ron Jeremy All You Can Eat Buffet award goes to BBW porn star, Jennifer Marchant aka Scarlett Rouge [pictured].

This poster child for heart disease/diabetes pleaded not guilty to second degree murder in the death of her 24-year-old boyfriend, Ralph Stone. Stone was found bleeding in Marchant’s apartment with a single stab wound to his neck area.

There is no truth to the rumor that 10-ton Tessie mistook her boyfriend for a pork chop during one of her feeding frenzies.

The United States Postal Service Man of the Year award goes to Papa Smurf.

Earlier this week TMZ reported that Papa Smurf is actively courting James Deen to direct and star in a porn version of “The Canyons” … the movie he starred in alongside Lindsay Lohan.

Papa Smurf sent James a letter, in which he tries to lure Deen to the project by saying, “It would be a first in parodies … the actual star of a mainstream movie also starring in an X-Rated version of that same movie! How cool is that?”

In this cosmic era of emails, Twitter, Skype and cell phones, we all owe Smurf a debt of gratitude for doing his part in trying to keep this great American institution viable and relevant.

The Tony Montana-Scarface award goes to’s CEO, Peter Acworth.

Acworth, 42, was arrested at 8:24 p.m. on February 1st and charged with one count of cocaine possession and one count of delaying arrest. Police were initially sent to’s massive, $14.5 million studio/dungeon in the old San Francisco Armory at 1800 Mission St. after a concerned citizen reported seeing a video online of men firing guns inside the premises.

Gee, I don’t know about you, but for me nothing screams ‘good times’ more than the combo platter of cocaine and guns. This is unless you also mix in a bottle of Ron Jeremy’s rum, Ron de Jeremy [available once again for sale in the Canadian province of Manitoba].

The Hyman Roth Quote of the week goes to tribe member, James Deen.

During an interview for, Deen was asked:

Q: Do you happen to have any Jewish role models or figures in the industry?

Deen’s Answer: I don’t go into a place and think: “I’m Jewish. Who else is Jewish? I need to work with them.” Respect goes universally across all races, creeds, colors, religions, everything. The Jews know we’re better than everyone else. That’s all that matters.”

I guess that’s Deen’s attempt at humor.

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