Sean Looks at the Week of 11/29/2009 in Review – War Machine Wins Dumbass of the Week Nod

Sean from writes: You want straight, no nonsense journalism, you stick with Adultfyi….now on Facebook.

This week’s column is sponsored by Nike Condoms: Chad Ochinoco manufactured, Bimbo tested and Tiger approved.

The Douche Bag Award goes to Rachel Uchitel. She is the New York club manager and the first woman accused of having a fling with Tiger. At first she denied the affair insisting that two drug abusing “hookers” made up the story and sold it to the tabloids. “This is ridiculous. Not a word of it is true,” she told the New York Post.

Her story soon folded like a house of cards. On Thursday she was set to admit at a press conference her affair, but last minute negotiations between her people and Tiger resulted in reportedly a $1 million or more stocking stuffer for this douche bag. Later reports said she didn’t take the money and that she isn’t talking because she knows too much about Tiger and she is “scared for her safety.” Then there were more later reports that she took even more than first thought. Whatever, douche bag, enjoy your trophy.

The Dope of the Week Award winner is Eldrick Tont “Tiger” Woods. It was a very expensive week for Eldrick: First reports indicated that he took out a tree and fire hydrant with his Escalade and then things kinda snowballed. The cause of the accident was an indirect result of his wife catching him texting, as it turns out, one of his many bimbos.

As the story began to unfold during the week it became obvious that the world’s most popular athlete couldn’t keep his driver in his pants.

After denying the rumors, Bimbo #1, Rachel Uchitel admitted to having an affair with Eldrick and flying to Australia to meet up with him on one occasion. It was reported that she agreed to a multi-million dollar deal to keep quiet about their affair. This will guarantee that Uchitel will not release hundreds of emails and text messages that she has exchanged with Eldrick during the past five months while they have had an affair.

Not wanting to miss a big payday, Bimbo #2, Jaimee Grubbs entered the fray with evidence of her affair with Eldrick: photos, voicemails and over 300 sexy test messages from our dope.

And then the emergence of Bimbo #3, Kalika Moquin. She was quoted as saying, “It’s not appropriate for me to comment one way or the other.” Finally, a bimbo I can respect.

By this time Eldrick’s wife had contacted a team of attorneys that summarily ripped up the couple’s original prenuptial agreement and began writing a new one using Elrick’s balls as erasers. It was reported that she immediately received a seven figure signing bonus and the terms of the remainder of the contract would make even A-Rod envious.

By Friday our dope winner was ready to settle down for a nice and quite weekend. Unfortunately, an unnamed Bimbo #4 from Orlando has jumped on the gravy train to claim that she had an affair with Eldrick. She claims she began having the alleged affair with him back in 2004 — when she was 20-years-old — and insists the affair lasted for more than two years.

For having affairs with at least 4 bimbos [more to come, guaranteed], destroying his squeaky clean reputation and shelling out millions of dollars to his wife and buying bimbos’ silence, Eldrick, you are our dope of the week.

The Errol Flynn Hero Award goes to Eric Langan, the owner of Rick’s Cabaret. He sold his baseball card collection for $40,000 and used the sum to open his first club. “I was interested in the money as well as in the girls,” the 41-year-old Texan says. “As I got older, I focused more and more on the money.” In 2008, revenues from his now 20 clubs were nearly $60m and net income $7.7m. Langan was paid $509,918 last year – not a bad income for a high school dropout. Money for nothing and your chicks for free…he is our hero.

The Damn Verne Gagne Wrestling Award goes to another un-named 17 year old boy who couldn’t keep his mouth shut. As the story goes, Gail Gagne, the granddaughter of wrestling great Verne, was working as the weight-room supervisor of the local high school in the summer of 2008. She took a liking to this blabbermouth and fulfilled the dreams of any red-blooded teenage male. In May of this year this twerp finally talked and police were summoned to the high school. Just this past Tuesday a judge issued a warrant for Gail’s arrest for two counts of third-degree criminal-sexual conduct. By seeing the timeline, it appears law enforcement is taking this case as seriously as I am. None the less, enjoy the trophy you little bastard.

This week’s Sasha Grey Media Whore Award winner is Eliot Spitzer’s favorite hooker, Ashley Dupre. With all the news coming out this week about Tiger Wood’s bimbo eruptions, she took the opportunity to grab some headlines by texting the NY Post with her view of the situation: “Here you have all these girls accepting gifts, money, trips from Tiger in exchange for sex — all the while knowing he is married. And now they all can’t wait to tell their stories in exchange for even more money from the tabloids? And I was the hooker? At least I kept my mouth shut.” What’s the matter Ashley: Are you suffering from a case of sour grapes because these bimbos have better business sense than you did? Enjoy your trophy you little media whore.

The Dumbass Award winner is Jon “War Machine” Koppenhaver. With all the Tiger news this week I almost forgot what this dumbass did last weekend.

As reported by the Grand Vizier: “There were maybe 50 to 60 people at the [Brooke Haven birthday] party. Apparently War Machine wasn’t too happy, claiming that Derek Hay wasn’t getting him enough work as far as he was concerned. What happened next was speculative. Either War Machine socked a girl or was accused of doing it. Either way he snapped and began doing an Octagon dance and waving his fists. One guy was clocked and had three teeth knocked out. Another guy- an Asian- had his nose broken. Then War Machine came after Derek and knocked him down. Alec Knight was also hit and went down, his head striking the pavement. It seemed that every time someone tried to advise War Machine to mellow out or tried to talk sense to him, they got hit for their efforts. Maybe six guys in all got punched. War Machine was relentless as the crowd kept a distance.”

So much for his porn career: Enjoy your trophy and a complementary bottle of Thorazine, Dumbass.

Belated Birthdays – Shannon Kelly 11/30, Annette Haven [55] 12/01, Shelby Stevens [41] 12/01, Regan Anthony [32] 12/02, Tanya Danielle 12/03, Nikki Tyler [37] 12/04,

> More on Corbin Fisher’s Porn Offer to Levi Johnston; Initial Offering Not Enough Says Johnston’s People – Offered $100K to jack off 3 times. Read the story here:

> Will Aids Healthcare Foundation Turn Into STD Nazis? – Clowns to the left of me and jokers to my right. Read the story here:

> VCX Claims Six AVN Noms; Dominates Best Classic Release Category – Read the hype:

> Monique Alexander On Covers of ‘Cheers’ and ‘Blow Me Sandwich’ This Week; Plus 3 AVN Noms – Read the hype:

> Rick’s Cabaret to build new gentlemen’s club near Dallas-Fort Worth Airport – Appears someone in the adult industry is making money. Read the story here:

> Former WWE Wrestler Umaga Believed to Be Dead – The curse of Gagne. Read the story here:

> Michael Ninn & New Studio, Celluloid Addiction, Earn 7 AVN Award Nominations – Read the hype:

> NY senator sentenced to probation, counseling for Beating Up His Girfriend – A Senate committee is looking into whether he is fit to remain in the Legislature. Read the meatball’s story here:

> AHF Tries To Force Condoms On Porn Stars; Harder Than Putting Ron Jeremy on a Diet – “it’s a money making business, and worker safety should be regulated like any other business.” Read the story here:

> Jimmy Flynt Sr. OK’d as Material Witness – Read the story here:

> Nude Photos Of Tiger Woods Mistress Surface – Soon we’ll see what Tiger saw about 20 times. Read the story here:

> Amateur XXX & Pulse Distribution Join Forces – Read the hype here:

> Porn stars, health leaders to draft legislation aimed at stopping spread of STDs – Read the hype here:

> Friday: Aids Healthcare Foundation Again Pushing for Legislation That Would Regulate Porn Shoots – Read it here:

> Wicked Girls Announce December Schedule – Read the hype here:

> New website pays users to watch porn – Read the story here:

> AVN Award MILF/Cougar Nominee Diamond Foxxx Anxious to Meet Fans at Pornutopia III –

> Hawaiian Tropic Zone Reneges on Sex Suit Settlement – Read the story here:

> Judge wants footage for ‘Girls Gone Wild’ motion – Smoak said the motion relies on the plaintiff’s actions in the videos….somebody pass the penis pump. Read the story here:

> Flight Attendants is the Year’s Best Sex Comedy & Stop Calling Me Shirley – Read the hype:

> Girlfriends Films Pulls Down 12 AVN Nominations Including Best Overall Marketing Campaign – Read the hype:

> Fire at Ex Playboy Model’s Miami Cougar Den – It’s not what you’re thinking. Read the story here:

> Foot Fetish Attacker Gets 57 Years – Read the good news here:

> New Mobile Site Puts a Strip Club in Your Pocket – Read the hype here:

> Porn mag focuses on Harvard, Ivy League gals, guys – About 60 online copies have been sold…Read the story here:

> Sophie Dee caps off a “Dee”lightful year – Read the hype:

> AVN Nominates Francesca Le for MILF/Cougar Performer – Read the hype here:

> In a poll “Jewish girls” were ranked the second hottest “kink” – Read the story here:

> David, We Hardy Knew Ye; No. 2 Man at DOJ Quits After Ten Months – Read the story here:

> Beverly Hills 90210 gets porn makeover – Read the story here:

> Schevelle’s G String Chronicles – A loooong week In Long Beach California – Read the story here:

> Stoney Curtis inducted to Hall of Fame; his Studio Lethal Hardcore Receives 9 AVN Noms – Read the hype:

> Lisa Ann Visits Howard Stern Show Promoting; Did an 8 Man Gangbang in High School –

> Rolling Stone guitarist Ron Wood arrested for allegedly assaulting girlfriend – From FYI hero to zero all in one short week. Read the story here:

> Vivid Offering $1M to Tiger Cheaters; Ashley Offering Woods $5Mil for Endorsement – Who is the bigger media whores: Tiger’s Angels or Vivid? Read the story here:

> Penny Flame Under Her Real Name Jennifer Ketcham Now Blogging for Huffington Post – Interviews transit riders….thrilling. Read the story here:

> Elementary teacher charged with sexually assaulting boy, 15 at Adult Novelty Store – “Mr. Carr then asks the boy if he wants to go back to his house.” Read the story here:

> Court Upholds Limits on Tennessee Adult Businesses – “Because we find it improbable that any performances of serious artistic value qualifying as ‘adult entertainment’…Read the story here:

> Ex-Marine Porn Star David Bradberry: Enlisting ‘Was the Best Decision of My Life’ – I guess the Devil Dog likes bones buried in his ass. Read the story here:

> Playboy, Softcore Model Lorissa McComas Dies – McComas died on Nov. 3 after a long illness. Read the story here:

> Is Marilyn Monroe Smoking Pot? Watch This and Judge For Yourself –

> Always Comes Down to Money: Model Wants $20Gs Over Alleged Infringement of Images – Read the story here:

> Cherry Ferretti proves to be a very versatile talent – Read the hype:

> Monstar: Blogger Of Mallcom Owned Site Threatens Violence? Pulls Facts Out of His Ass – The big picture here is that the AVN awards are totally worthless. Read the story here:

> Angelina Armani Not Eligible for Best New Starlet? – She started in porn in 2007? Read the story here:

> Tanner Mayes Named CAVR 2009 Season Starlet of Year – Read the story here:

> WWE’s New Diva’s Porn Past- Jillian Beyor Worked as “Brianna” – Damn you Verne Gagne! Read the story here:

> Belladonna & Kimberly Kane’s ‘Winter Wonderland’ Benefit for “Financially Beleaguered” AIM – Another charity trying to weasel $20 of out you. Read the hype here:

> Back from a Lesbian Cruise, ‘Family Ties’ Mom Meredith Baxter — Yep, I’m Gay – Baxter, who’s been married to men three times and has five children…she took dick at least 5 times. Read the story here:

> Shelley Lubben: 11 Porn Stars Died from HIV, Suicide, Homicide and Drugs in 2007 – Read the ramblings of a nutcase here:

> Scott Janke May Have a Discrimination Case Says Florida’s ACLU Director – “His firing may run up against Florida’s law that prohibits discrimination based on marital status.” Read the story here:

> Couple Pays for Wedding By Starring in Porn – Plan to make four more to raise cash for a beach ceremony in Cancun, Mexico, next June. Read the story here:

> Minnesota Court of Appeals: Nudity is Not Kiddie Porn – The girl in the photo, a relative of Johnson’s, is depicted lying on her back…Read the story here:

> This Ain’t Beverly Hills 90210 XXX Out Next Week; See the Trailer

> Taylor Rain to Start Directing in 2010 – Read the hype here:

> Lauches, Featuring Beautiful Girls With Delicious Meaty Folds – Read the hype here:

> Pirating Gay Content, MonsterCockTube Operators Claim They’re Immune From U.S. Civil Law – Read the Hitler youth’s comments here:

> Lawyer: No Sex in Jennifer Lopez ‘Sex Tape – Well, that tape is now worth about $5. Read the story here:

> At 6 ft. 8 inches, Amazon Eve is Not Your Typical Model; Will Wrestle Men Upon Request – I bet she has a walk-in pussy….if she has one at all. Read the story here:

> Critics Blast PETA Ad Showing Nude Joanna Krupa Holding Crucifix – Read the story here:

> Foot Fetish Guy to Appear in Court – Bronson claimed his innocence, saying that asking women to try on shoes is not a crime. Read the story here:

> Axel Braun Receives 20 AVN Nominations – Read the hype here:

> Naked Harem owner to stand trial again – Her first trial in June ended in a hung jury…Read the story here:

> Strip Club Says Former Miss Oklahoma is Suing for Publicity – Everybody is passing the buck. Read the story here:

> Treasure Coast Media Launches How To Be A Porn Star – Read the hype here:

> Tried to Make an Ass of Herself: Ex-Miss Argentina Dies After Butt-Implant Surgery – Read the story here:

> Calvin O’Shea: War Machine Has a Birthday Party – Gift suggestion? Thorazine. Read the story here:

> Tessa Taylor is making her mark in the industry – Fresh meat. Read the hype here:

> Sex App ShopTM Launches Internationally with Adult Content for iPhone – Read the story here:

> The Grand Vizier: Who’s The Big Adult Industry Company Owner Who Just Filed for Divorce? – Daddy big cheese was also giving her a $12,000 monthly clothes allowance but that wasn’t enough to keep her anchored at home, it seems. Read the story here:

> Angelina Valentine Launches Her New Website – Read the hype:

> SkinworXXX Has 10 AVN Award Nominations – Read the hype:

> Bobbi Starr Scores 18 AVN Award Noms, Up for Female Performer of the Year – Read hype here:

> The Sins of War Machine Keep Multiplying – Appears he’s been a shit head for some time. Read the story here:

> Angelina Armani Nominated for AVN Best New Starlet – Read the hype:

> TLA’s Internet Porn Sister Receives Nine AVN Nominations – Read the hype:

> Jimmy Jellinek Appointed New online chief at Playboy – That will look nice on the resume. Read the story here:

> Erica McLean’s “Hardcore Circus” Receives 6 AVN Award Nominations – Read the hype:

> Jimmy Flynt Sr. Shouldn’t Testify at Court, LFP Attorneys Say – Read the story here:

> The Grand Vizier Update on War Machine; FBI Were Looking for Him? – Reason? War Machine had made threats against Obama on his Twitter page. Read the story here:

> And Now the End is Near: Maxim in the Same Leaky Boat as Playboy – “Either you sell it to me, or by March it will be gone,” Fox threatened. Read the story here:

> War Machine’s Porn Career goes up in Smoke (and Fists); Grand Vizier Being Quoted by Mainstream Sites – Hilarious. Read the story here:

> David Aaron Clark Passes Away – Read the story here:

> Former Playboy Playmate Latosha Marzolla continues MMA winning streak at Tuff-N-Uff; See the Fight – Read the story here:

> Publishers of adult magazines are gradually witnessing a slow demise in their businesses – Read what you already know here:

> Update on The War Machine Blowout; He Socks His Girlfriend; War Machine: “Fuck All You Fucks” – So much for War Machine’s porn career. Read the story here:

> Former Playboy Playmate Rebekka Armstrong speaks out on AIDS at Kent State. Read the story here:

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