Stand By : Technical Issues and The Rob Black Show

The Rob Black Show, and has been dealing with technical issues as of late. Rob fills us in:

“Let me explain to everybody what’s been going on. for the past week, We’ve been trying to install a system that will have things on the live feed look and run like a real studio.”

“Now we have no real money for this. So we had somebody we know basically jerry-rig a system using about a thousand left over parts from every computer known to man that we’ve had laying around basically just coming up with a hodgepodge system, that if we had XYZ, we could go Bing Bang Boom and make it work. It’s a nightmare.”

“We’re doing all this work while we’re on the air. As I told you last night I was talking with an old guard in the business and he was asking me what kind of show i was doing, a radio show, a talk show, a variety show and it got me thinking. Maybe a reality show?”

“But we’re not a reality show in the sense that we don’t work off a script like the networks. Everything they do they work within framework and a schedule, so the “reality” is predetermined, it’s scripted.”

“It’s not like the restaurant show, where they have cameras follow everyone around they do a 8-10 hours a day shooting schedule.”

“So i guess, I said , this is The Truman Show. Remember The Truman Show where Jim Carrey was born inside this artificial world and the entire world watched this guy learn, grow and develop. So the guy says, “oh, very unique.” I said OK Mr. Vaudeville.”

“So basically we got this equipment and yesterday The Rob Black Show was 5 hours of just testing out this equipment.”

“I explained to everybody that the final process is we need to get something called a PCI express sound card. When you use a sound card and a PC you can only use one module at a time. You then have to shut down the system interface and switch over microphones to trick it. So basically last night we had the video playing and me talking over it just like real news. Then when we went to shut it off the whole system froze up. Right up my ass. Boom.”

“So we went to Fry’s and got a PCI card, but it wasn’t the right one. We needed a PCI express card.”

“So now, we’re in a quandary. At the conclusion of this clusterfuck there needs to be a PCI express card. Preferably two channels. So when that is installed into the third computer that has the mechanism for the broadcaster, it won’t have to trick the system and i will be able to play four modules, a video here, a video there and then I can play videos around the live feed.”

“But I got it to work and for a moment there I felt like we had scored a touchdown and I spiked the ball. WHOOOO!!!”

“And then everything broke down again.”

“We were playing with it on the afternoon show and we were having hijinks and putting up chyrons about Axel Braun loves cock and having mexican hooker email me and having fun.”

“So that’s the update on our cool video system. After we get off the air we have to drive around and try to get the components that we need but we only have from say 4 to 8 when we start the night show to get everything we need. Fuckin nightmare. Nightmare.”

“You see, there are only two people in this operation. Me and the guy sitting on the other side of this wall behind the Taxi Driver poster, a decrepit old dude named Tom Byron. And we do the inside work of this juggernaut of The Rob Black Show, Rob Black Productions, whatever.”

“So in the middle of this juggernaut, we have to do all the things that bring in money, compiling scenes that we own, assembling them, adding tittles, making boxcovers, encoding, and sending them to VOD systems.”

“Most people that we talk about have a staff of people to do this. Most people that have thousand of scenes have a few people that all they do is encoding or uploading. Our department is just me and that old shithead. So us two do that. In between spending 5 hours driving around looking for computer components for this fucking radio show and TV show. Between that, Byron’s writing copy for AdultFYI. I gotta program all this stuff in HTML code.”

“So we do all of that in between having to solve an issue if something breaks.”

“At the end of the day, what we have is the essence of a real company, run by two people in a shitty ass office above a shitty ass strip club on a shitty ass street.”

“So everyday we run in place and maybe we get an inch ahead.”

“Why I am informing you of all of this? Don’t really know. But we have five hours a day and we’re told you we’re not gonna talk about syphilis, hepatitis, herpes and HIV for three hours a day.”

“We need more people here. I have my friend Cripple Dan, but he’s not from here. i need people here who can run to Fry’s and pick up a PCI express card. I’ll even take crippled people as long as they are here. I know I talk about crippled people a lot, but i need somebody here for say 2-3 days a month where we have a slavery day on cripples.”

“I actually talked about Cripple Dan night and talked about his wheelchair and his stinky gloved hand. Because you know that shit has to reek like dirty asshole. Because i gotta imagine he wears gloves. A wheelchair has wheels and wheels are dirty no matter where you are. You’re outside and you’re wheeling in spit, shit and fuckin disease. You’re wheeling in so much filth and disgusting putrid matter that I gotta imagine you have gloves on.”

“They gotta smell like they’ve been inside Ron Jeremy’s asshole after he’s been on the set for 14 hours and had 3 bowls of El Pollo Loco and he’s taken a shit and didn’t wipe because they’re out of toilet paper and it’s beyond putrid and Daniel, THAT’S gotta be what your gloved hands smell like after a long day of wheeling around the city.”

“My friend Cripple Dan sent me this reply this morning:

I only use gloves when I go out and I rarely use the chair in the house.  I can crawl around and stuff when I need to.  Me doing yard work is a fucking hoot.  The wheels obviously get dirty so I clean them often and I wear the gloves so I don’t shred up my hands because the gloves act as breaks.  Otherwise I’ll get friction burns going down a cripple ramp.  I wash the gloves and I’m always replacing them with new ones.  They can get gross rather quickly.  When I go to Vegas and meet porn girls I don’t put my hands on them because I know where I’ve wheeled and I wouldn’t want those hands on me.  Some girls insist even after I tell them that my hands are dirty.  Then again, they may be cleaner than the hands of some of the people there.

They don’t smell.  I only had a problem once and had to throw the pair out because I ate crab legs and couldn’t get the fish smell off of my hands.  About 45 minutes later it smelled like I double-fisted a dead whale.  Every time I’ve had a hand inside of Ron Jeremy I wasn’t wearing a glove so I cannot attest to the gloves having a pungent stench.

“There you have it. The answer to the smelly glove question.”

“Bottom line, we need help at The Rob Black show and we’re not discriminating. Even against cripples with gloves that smell like Ron Jeremy’s asshole.”

Rob Black can be reached at The Rob Black Show at [email protected]

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