XBIZ is taking something out of AVN’s playbook.

Let me read you the latest:

“XBIZ is pleased to announce the upcoming Hollywood premiere of XBIZ Index, a high-end industry business directory created for established company owners and executives as well as newcomer entrepreneurs.
Complimentary copies of XBIZ Index will be exclusively distributed to attendees of XBIZ 360 and the highly anticipated 2014 XBIZ Awards show.
Featuring the most comprehensive collection of businesses providing quality products, services and solutions, XBIZ Index is set to be the most indispensable published resource to date.”

Oh jeez, this is so fucking pathetic. I can’t wait to see what losers are going to advertise in this fucking garbage.

Do you get what XBIZ is trying to swindle from you guys?

“XBIZ Index harnesses the power of print to provide an incomparable tool for all facets of the industry,” XBIZ President and Publisher Alec Helmy said. “For entrepreneurs entering the industry and seasoned professionals alike, business thrives on resources. This book puts the power of information in your hands.”

“Created as a sleek hardcover black book, XBIZ Index will not only serve as an invaluable tool for building business but also boasts sophistication with a beautifully crafted design worthy of coffee table display.”

Exactly what the business needs. A book full of XBIZ shit and phone numbers to I’m not sure what, because the business is all but dead. This giant book of tools and resources is nothing more than a way for Sara to milk more of you suckers out of your money by convincing you to pay for advertising for a resource book that Paul Fishbein and AVN did back in the heyday of the business and their book actually included DVD’s.

So XBIZ is copying Paul Fishbein and AVN. But doing it worse! You’re supposed to put this beautiful hardcover book on your coffee table, what, next to your Van Gogh art book?

They’re selling advertising for this and giving it away for free. So the industry’s paying for it.

If I had money, I would go to the printers and say, I’m going to do the same thing just to stick it up XBIZ’s ass. The Rob Black Show and Adultfyi are gonna put out a book of phone numbers, but instead of ads, I would put pages that say, XBIZ Sucks, Thinking About Getting in the Business? Don’t! And inside I would have something useful, like coupons for free blowjobs at Sheri’s Ranch.

Let me keep going with this press release of bullshit.

“From Nov. 15 through Dec. 15, submissions for XBIZ Index will be accepted exclusively through the adult industry social network XBIZ.net. Qualified businesses have the opportunity to submit their company listings with the most up-to-date contact information and see it in print as a treasured keepsake that will serve prospects throughout the year.”

A treasured keepsake? What is this, one of those commemorative coins? A picture of Ronald Reagan on one side and a whole bunch of Republicans sucking his dick on the other?

A treasured keepsake. You know your movie Tranny Fuckholes Volume 3? You can have it be in a treasured keepsake! Tranny Fuckholes in a beautiful commemorative treasured keepsake.

Look kids! This beautiful treasured keepsake on the coffee table with Daddy’s movie Tranny Fuckholes. By the way, Daddy’s got HIV, but his viral load’s undetectable. And here’s another ad for TrannyButtholes.com!

There’s got to be a way to make money doing this show. Because I’m given so much comedy material on a daily basis by this industry. I could be the Dane Cook of porn.

If I could make 50 million with the humor that this business provides, I’d be rolling. I’d be counting stacks with Jay Z.

Let me continue.

“XBIZ Index will make its debut Jan. 22-25 at XBIZ 360 — the most exclusive, all-encompassing events series that will examine the future of the multi-billion-dollar adult industry.”

“As the only trade event covering the full scope of the global adult market, our January events series is the perfect launching pad for XBIZ Index,” said Sara Ramirez, XBIZ Associate Publisher. “Based on community feedback, we are pleased to announce the creation of this book that will surely set a standard.”

A bullshit book that’s about seven years past its usefulness. But hey, we’re gonna bleed very last dollar from this business that we can. So all you bitches out there pony up to Alec Helmy and Jenna Jameson looking down at you saying “Fuck off” cause you know there’s gonna be a nice big picture of JJ in it.

Now Sara baby, you used to be with AVN. You remember the book they had. Wasn’t real pretty, kinda a spiral notebook thingy, but it had useful information. It had DVD’s that gave advertisers at least something that they could feel they were getting a return on their buck from.

It’s ludicrous to put out a book with all this information about a business that Diane Duke says is moving out. Everyone’s moving out. And of course, the city’s losing thousands on permit fees cause everyone’s moving out to evade the law.

So why does the industry need a beautiful treasured keepsake of information on a business that Diane Duke says is done and everyone’s moving out?

Then Sara says:

“For a limited time only and on a first-come, first-serve basis, premium display advertising opportunities are now available, which include up to three showcased logo listings.”

So now they’re gonna have a book that you pay to advertise in that’s gonna do what?

My question to XBIZ is, what are you gonna have in this beautiful treasured keepsake that’s not already available on your website or discussion boards? We’re in the information age, where everyone accesses their info on a tablet or a phone. You’re gonna put that information in a format that’s virtually extinct? A fuckin book.

You’re trying to make extra money, I get it. But who sat there in that meeting and said hey, we should do what AVN did years ago. Except we’ll make it a beautifully crafted treasured keepsake.

I can’t believe no one sat up and said this is a horrible idea. The print medium is all but dead. Hell, even Newsweek has stopped printing. Fucking Newsweek! All the information you would put in this book is available online.

For XBIZ to put out this book and try to bleed people for advertising is disgusting. Paul Fishbein did it years ago, when it actually made sense. AVN put out the AVN ID book back when that big bubble was about to burst. Fish was there when companies like Red Light District were there to put these DVD’s in their books. Back then the business was thriving.

Now you’ve got XBIZ putting out something that’s past it’s prime, outlived it’s usefulness and is a laughable attempt to squeeze a a few last drops of blood from a dying business.

If it wasn’t bad enough to book Jenna Jameson to host the XBIZ Awards, and who knows if she’s even gonna show up, or what kind of state she’s gonna be in. And if she’s too fucked up and doesn’t show up? Alec Helmy, forget about egg on your face, you’re gonna look like the 50 guy anal creampie team just pulled a bukkake train on you, or Ira Isaacs just sprayed diarrhea all over you and you’re gonna walk around XBIZ 360 saying, “I’m Shitman!”

So besides the Jenna Jameson display of incredibly bad judgement, Alec decides to waste time and money on a beautifully handcrafted treasure of a book of useless information that’s easily available elsewhere.

But if you are a person that desires such a book, all you have to do is buy a ticket to the XBIZ Awards and they will give you the book that you are desiring.

It’s called The XBIZ Black Book.

So start saving your money now suckers, so you can advertise in The XBIZ Black Book.

Follow Rob Black on Twitter @RealRobBlack Email: [email protected]