Andi Anderson writes on www.shelleylubben.com – Hi, my name is Ashley. I came from a really great family but I have always struggled with awful, low self esteem. I just always felt I was unworthy of life. I was the one who always protected my friends and tried to make everyone happy and yet I always ended up so alone. My family had very high expectations for me and it seemed I was never good enough. Not at home or with boyfriends and relationships. I tried to please everyone but I never seemed to measure up and it was a never ending cycle that left me feeling completely hopeless.

My journey into the porn industry started in 2005. I went by the stage name Andi Anderson. When I first began, I would work and go to school Monday through Friday and then go to LA on the week-ends.

I did every hardcore type of scene (anal, double penetrations, gangbangs, etc.). After two years, I moved to LA (porn valley) and lived the life of money, fame, drugs and constant partying.

At first, when I moved and chose to perform in pornographic films, I was so adamant about NOT doing drugs and alcohol. But, after a year or so of that so-called “glamorous” life, I sadly discovered that drugs and drinking were a part of the lifestyle. I began to drink and party out of control! Cocaine, alcohol and ecstasy were my favorites. Before long, I turned into a person I did not want to be. After doing so many hardcore scenes I couldn’t do it anymore.

I just remember being in horrible situations and experiencing extreme depression and being alone and sad. I got a boyfriend in the industry which ended up dragging me into an even darker depression. I remember being in a dark room, drunk and high on cocaine. I wanted to kill myself. Suicide seemed to be the only thing that felt right for me. I was hurt over and over, so many times in this industry.

I don’t really know where I found the strength, but I knew I needed to get my life in order. I began the fight of my life. To get my life back! So, I moved back home in February 2010 and have been back living with my parents for almost eight months!

Being an extremist, I got engaged to a forty three year old lawyer after a month of living at home. That situation made me more miserable than ever! He cheated on me and lied to me. I felt so destroyed, betrayed, hurt and just bummed. I still have not had a chance to heal and revive myself, however, I am working on it.

Sometimes I still have this desire to go back and just disrespect myself because reality is that is how I am viewed. I have to constantly fight this temptation. I am now going to school and am starting an externship in January at a Doctor’s office. I think for anyone to say that leaving that life is easy is a lie because it is the hardest thing in the world! But if you can leave the adult industry with the support you need and deserve, it is possible!!!

Being hurt, abused, and disrespected are such deep issues but having the support of Pink Cross really has helped and encouraged me to better myself so I thank you!

However, making a so-called “better” life is not easy. It is hard and you need other people that have been there to listen and understand. I would like to use my voice to help other women that are wanting out of the industry! I don’t want them to make the same mistakes that I did. God had me overcome the hard times and made me strong, but it’s very important to have someone who understands what you are going through. I went from being depressed, suicidal, dark and hopeless to being back at home, laughing with my parents, going back to school and finally living life! God has completely done a miracle in my life! I’m not the same!

Love, Ashley