Porn Valley- I mention to newcomer Brooke Haven of the gorgeously ample posterior that there’s a mall in the Philly suburbs named after her.

Haven, who has done Google searches on her porn name, tells me she’s found all kinds of real estate with the same name, not that Haven chose hers for that reason. Just happened that way.

“I had the name Brooke and figured I needed a last name, so I started matching names up,” Haven says. I suggest that she could have gone with “trout” as a possible surname. She winces. Haven’s been in the business only about three months so she’ll wince a lot until she figures out that people are merely pulling her leg. Along those lines, I forget who it is, maybe it’s Haven, but someone’s telling Skeeter Kerkove that the smell of tuna is stinking up the house.

Skeeter, who attends to his kitchen like an Alpha Betty Crocker on speed, is busy ferreting out the source of the odor. “One can of tuna can put a smell in a 3,032 sq. foot home,” he’s heard to mutter.

That Skeeter, a gold medal winner in home economics, is this precise with numbers is not surprising because, besides financial dealings, he has a head for porn trivia that might have been the envy of the late Jim Holliday. https://www.adultfyi.com/read.aspx?ID=7891

“I’m the only person who released an anal fisting scene in the US during the year 2004,” Skeeter states for the record. Skeeter, who just nailed back-to-back Editors Choices, always has his names, dates, priorities and facts in that kind of order. And he goes on to tell me that between April of 2002 and October, 2002, he put out eight movies that combined bondage with sex. And he has it down to the exact number of minutes those scenes run and with whom.

In Sodomy Law of the Land, one of those Editors Choices that features both anal and vaginal fisting, Skeeter talks about how Venus and Audrey Hollander basically demanded to do that kind of stuff.

But Skeeter’s not directing today though he’s already chatting up a project that he’ll be doing in high-def for Lurid Entertainment. Today, though, Skeeter’ll be handling BTS, talking it up with the grifters, vagabonds and outlaws West of the pecos.

BTS is behind-the-scenes in DVD extras lingo, and Bridgette Kerkove, www.bkmax.com will do the directing. This is a shoot for Metro titled “Shove It Up My… #3” and I find it a conversation-worthy decision that the word ass is left out of a porn movie title.

Brooke Haven’s going to be doing a lead off threeway with the husband and wife team of Audrey Hollander and Otto Bauer and will have a mouthful of Bauer’s balls before the scene finishes up. Bauer got a kick out of the fact that his name was put out there on the Stern show last week. Stern was doing a humorous recap of the AVN show and Bauer’s name is heard in a sound clip. So is Hollander’s, and hers is mangled. Bauer says it figures, it being porno, but Bauer is more concerned if I thought that he actually looked like Stern, because I made that remark in an interview I did with him a couple of months back.

I explain to Bauer, not really. The resemblance is more in the hair style, that, who Bauer really looks like is Mike Borowitz, someone I knew from Cherry Hill, N.J. Bauer seems quite content with that comparison as if he knew the guy I was talking about. Bauer goes on to tell me a story about the time he was running an errand in some else’s car, driving some back road in Texas and getting stopped by a cop. The cop tells Bauer, who was 18 at the time, to pop the latch and then tells Bauer in that southern justice way to get out of the car, slowly, son. Bauer is told he’s got grass in the trunk. Bauer is shitting his pants.

Turns out there were grass clippings in the trunk, probably from a lawn mower, and the cop was busting his balls.

On another note, Bauer shot a movie in Switzerland last year- one that’s likely to be the talk of the industry once it’s released in March. It’s called Super Core. Bauer and I talked about it at length in a separate interview.

As you might expect, Audrey Hollander’s the lead in what was basically a project shot before a live crowd of cheering European sex fans. On the other hand, Bridgette Kerkove is explaining how it’s taking time to straighten Hollander’s normally wavy locks for this shoot. Kerkove’s decided she wants Hollander sporting a different look and is willing to extend the time to get it. It’s taking something like three hours to put Audrey in makeup to achieve this which, subsequently, pushes the first scene past a noon start. But when all is said and done, Kerkove whips through the movie at a blistering pace.

When we’re not exchanging bon mots of Wayne Summers trivia, Hall of Fame director Jim Powers, who’s wielding the camera, is approving of Hollander’s new style. And Kerkove explains that stylin’ and profilin’ is as much a part of her movies as anything else. That must also mean cornering the market on thigh highs because every girl in the cast is wearing them with obvious emphasis.

Kerkove takes Brooke Haven, who’s reminding me more and more of Brittany O’Connell, but with a little more volume in her can, aside to explain some things. Tells Brooke she wants to hear noise. Encourages Brooke to show off, to play to the camera as though it were another guy, wants chatter from Brooke throughout the scene which is going to take all of 35 minutes to shoot.

“I want non-step aggression,” say Kerkove. Hell, even the Italian army can give you that for half an hour. During the scene, Otto encourages Haven to swallow his dick and balls. Maybe Brooke’ll do a search on Google and find a shopping center named after Otto’s nuts.

The other week during a shoot for Skeeter, Bauer got to work with Czech performer Janet Alfano during which Otto and I joked about his deployment of a “modified Montfort,” -a sex position named after photographer Richard Montfort. This time around, Alfano pairs up with Mark Wood. Prediction: As she becomes better known, the industry’s going to love and totally embrace the angularly striking Alfano who’s quiet and non-intrusive, speaks little English but is compliant as a sex slave.

As that scene’s being prepped I’m hearing a little gossip about Miss Howard Stern and her appearance at AEE a couple of weeks ago. Miss Howard Stern apparently sports something like $17,000 in dental work but didn’t get her money’s worth from what I’m hearing. Bridgette’s also inclined to think that Miss Howard Stern would be better off named after a trailer park than a radio personality.

I also have a lengthy chat with Staci Thorn who’s been in the business about a year. Besides a bra that reminds you of a couple of bed springs, Bridgette’s got Thorn wearing these extravagant boots whose height qualifies them for an elevator permit. As much as height will matter in this scene, Beautiful Ben Bratt has Staci wrapped in an ass ball for the better part of it, Staci’s vocalizations approximating the ascension and climax of a Beethoven overture.

Thundering crescendos of “fuck me in the ass” fill the living room, Skeeter insisting that Thorn thank Ben for butt fucking her. “When Ben sodomizes you, you respect him for not getting you pregnant,’ Skeeter advises her with a straight face.

By now I’ve got Bridgette playing the who looks like who game, and her opinion is that Mario, a Spanish performer with broad white teeth, muscles and unflappable hair, looks like Schwarzenegger. Sure as shit, this is a dead-on comparison, with Carmen, Mario’s female partner, reminding you almost as much of Marissa Tomei in My Cousin Vinny. Co-starring as my second sex partner in the d.p. is Jay Lassiter, and Bridgette is ecstatic with the results and how these guys matriculate their balls for the best possible camera shots.

Powers calls Mario, The Love Machine, Mario apparently starring in live sex shows in Spain. Powers explains that sex is probably something you take in school over there akin to wood shop in high schools over here. “You are like a god of love,” Powers keeps telling a grinning Mario.

Bridgette also mentions that Pascal, who’s in the finale with Shy Love, reminds her of Liam Neeson. Love’s saying earlier that a surefire home remedy for hemorrhoids is a glob of Vaseline and two fingers up your ass as far as they will go. Love probably sells a sex scene as well as any woman currently performing and Pascal, who’s grabbed some tanning time, is flush from the power moves. Powers, who’s apparently quite liberal with his proclamations this afternoon, is hailing Pascal as “King of Passion”.

Most normal men attempting to do what Pascal is doing would be king of the oxygen tent, however, with Pascal having Love practically talking in tongues as her ass sandpapers his balls in the reverse cowgirl position.

The scene’s wrapping before the winter sun has even had a chance to set as Love’s riding Pascal’s cock all the way to Durango. Two more outlaws west of the Pecos to land on wanted posters.