Porn Valley- Skeeter Kerkove, www.bkmax.com generally spends his evenings watching The Discovery Channel while dreaming up sex positions he’s going to use on his next shoot. Those are his words. Friday night, Skeeter may have had The Discovery Channel on but he was probably pouring over a field manual, instead. That’s because sodomy was going to take a new turn and enter the land of hi-definition and Skeeter needed to learn the camera.

In recent weeks, Skeeter and Lurid Entertainment, a company that’s pitching high-def in the way Hi-Fi was pitched in the Fifties got together and decided that the new technology needed the Kerkove touch. And that’s why you saw something like 30 people [this is Skeeter’s estimate] milling about Saturday at casa Kerkove.

Lurid had its entourage in tow including its tech people and one guy doing a Johnny Depp hat number from Benny and Joon. I bust his balls about this. Stuart, who heads up Lurid Entertainment, mentions something about the shoot going out via live webstream. Skeeter tells me he’s already checked out some of the other stuff Lurid has shot for the Internet, that there’s nothing to match it in picture quality.

I see that Lurid, among its “subsidiaries” includes Adult Staffing Services. So that brings Harry Weiss into play- Weiss shooting some behind the scenes material, Weiss asking me if I’m finally going to declare him the winner in the Adultfyi pool. Weiss jokes about maybe getting a trophy out of it. Maybe he’s not joking.

Otto Bauer’s certainly not joking when he describes how a scene he and Audrey Hollander did the day before went “freaky deaky”. And Hollander’s got the black and blue marks on her legs to prove it. Hollander’s urging me to feel her thighs and while doing so I ask what happened.

“It was Mr. Bauer with a riding crop,” she explains oh so politely. Funny. I could have sworn it was Colonel Mustard in the library with a ball peen hammer. Bauer thinks this might be a great idea – to do a porn version of Clue.

Hollander, who would probably take gorilla cock up her ass on a dare, talks about how when she first married Bauer, she’d be afraid to walk into a porn store, let along pick up a dildo. But Hollander’s about to do a scene where she’s going to take two cocks up her ass for the length of 12 straight minutes, courtesy of Bauer and Belgium performer Pascal.

Of all the photographers, Hollander says she loves the way Ken Marcus shoots her and urged me to catch some of the pix on www.kenmarcus.com Except after 12 minutes of an ass wrecking, Hollander, totally annihilated, would need a funeral parlor director to make her look good for Marcus’ camera.

Pascal can’t wait to throw out the first ball of the hi-def season so to speak. “You vant the deek?” he asks Audrey. The scene is rife with playground taunts. “Suck my dick you fucking bitch face,” Otto tells her, smacking her tits, and Hollander’s russet shit hole is capable of accommodating the Balkan resistance, from what I can gather. Because I’m catching him from that angle, Otto’s is a performance of clenched ass intensity, his glutes singing Russian folk ballads.

“Jesus Christ, this is phenomenal,” Skeeter keeps saying. You’d think there was a slaughter of piglets taking place in his living room judging by sounds more commonly associated with an abatoir. “Spectacular. Just way, way off the hook,” Skeeter keeps telling his performers.

The shylock, Mark Spiegler, who has some of his girls booked two months advance, has three of them on this shoot- Carmen, Melissa Lauren and Sandra Romaine.

After explaining how he acquired the nickname shylock, Spiegler’s telling me the first time Romaine ever did a porn scene was in Europe with Rocco and Nacho Vidal. And the first time she did a triple anal was with Lexington Steele, Manuel Ferrara and Steve Holmes. According to Spiegler, Romaine, who’s from Romania, doesn’t think triple anal’s any big deal. Neither did Dracula, probably.

Spiegler starts telling me stories about some of the truly wacky girls he’s repped. Some of this stuff he wants kept off the record. I can understand why. After what I’m hearing, I got to think Romaine is right. Triple anal’s no big deal.

Skeeter tells me Spiegler is the first person he ever met in porn. At the time, he hands Spiegler some photos of Bridgette Kerkove with her head lopped off. Spiegler asks Skeeter if he had the photos developed at K mart. Skeeter says he did as a matter of fact. Spiegler, a former porn producer who met resistance from VCA over titling a movie called Gooks of Hazard, says the pictures basically sucked because he had no idea what Bridgette looked like but hired her anyway. And that was the beginning of legend.

“Her career just steam rolled,” says Skeeter noting that Bridgette was doing double-anals from the get-go. Spiegler also confirms the story about AVN’s Mark Kernes once telling Bridgette that she was shot out after only 50 scenes, predicting that no one would use her. That episode eats at Skeeter who likes to rub it in, noting that Bridgette Kerkove for being overshot is also the highest paid female gonzo director in the porn market if not the most time efficient director in the business.

All this double and triple anal talk is making me hungry, and my personal assignment is to open a Ralph’s rye bread bag without making noise. Appropriately, the mayo dispenser makes fart noises as Audrey- in the background- yells for either Pascal or Otto to eat her ass juice. I marvel at Hollander’s rectal capacity and suspect that I could field a grounder from third and that Hollander’s ass would contain my throw with assurance.

Skeeter’s now calling Hollander “princess” and photographer Richard Montfort, jumping in for stills, is calling her the Glen Close of porn.

Otto’s eyeballs roll up in his head, like, give me a fucking break with the comparison. Later I hear Montfort telling another girl she’s the Meryl Streep of porn. Her eyeballs are rolling, too. Then, again, she’s getting a power drill up her ass.