Porn Valley- I spoke to Bob over at Dane Productions this afternoon. I don’t know if you know Bob but he’s the furthest thing in the world from Sam Elliott. Whereas Sam Elliott is one of these slow drawl, tall in the saddle western-types, Bob’s a peripatetic quick draw New Yorker whose patter’s on speed dial.

I generally gravitate to the slow drawl, tall in the saddle’ers because they seem a little more honest and trustworthy, but I like Bob for his spastic enthusiasm and energy. And if you overlook his tendency to follow passion to the doorstep, Bob’s viewed as a genuinely good guy with a heart of gold. So when Bob revealed his plans to me about what he intended to do for MDA and how he wanted to bring the adult industry together to pass the hat for Jerry’s Kids, I went into the cautious, Sam Elliott mode.

Bob’s not originally from the industry so as I rolled up a cigarette Louis L’Amour-style, and having had a little experience dealing with deadbeats, cattle rustlers and hobos, I offered him some edgycation about the adult business. I told Bob a story. I told him about how when the Free Speech Coalition first got started- under a different name- it had this grandiose plan. It was going to create this war chest. That’s the term they used- war chest. They were going to collect money from the industry then invest it- mutual funds, whatever, and by virtue of this mutual funding and miraculous rolling over of cash from five loaves and two fishes, they’d have enough money to fork over to its members for legal fees. That was the sales pitch.

I remember being at that original revival tent meeting and seeing video company owners lined up at a cash bar with fistfuls of hundred dollar bills in their pockets, the size of baseballs. And all these city slickers with the thick wads bought the sales pitch. But as the years went by- and I may be wrong- I never heard mention of this war chest ever again. And when it came time for guys like Max Hardcore, Seymore Butts and Jeff Mike to pay their legal bills a few years ago, I don’t recall anyone offering them shovels to dig up the buried treasure. So much for how contributions and the adult industry work.

And I’m not picking on the present Free Speech Coalition- through which Bob intends to donate money to MDA- because the difference between that administration and now is Long John Silver to Capt. Jack Sparrow.

So with about two weeks to the good, I called Bob and asked him for a frank progress report on the collective generosity of the $15 Billion a year adult business. Bob was equally frank. He said the results stink so far and he gave me a to-the-moment tally. He’s right. They stink- which makes me wonder which video company is throwing a promotional party this weekend and flushing good money down the toilet by having it.

Sardos turned over a $200 check the other night to Bob and if I told you it constituted 67% of what Bob’s got in his hands right now, I wouldn’t be lying.

“It’s really disgusting,” says Bob. “I’m very unhappy with the situation but happy knowing I’m doing the best I can. What can I possibly do? I can’t beg these people.” In what I wouldn’t recommend as a psyche-up gesture, Bob went to a hospital last night to visit some muscular dystrophy patients.

“I should have taken everybody in the industry with me last night and showed them what these families are going through,” said Bob.

I told him that would really be inconvenient for a lot of people.