Porn Valley- And the winner of the Tera Patrick lookalike contest is Mika Tan. At least that’s the impression I walked away with as Team Tyler got its first production underway Wednesday at the TTS studios in North Hollywood. Tan is having some dialogue with Daphne Rosen and Wankus, who’s directing a series of vignettes with some fairly decent precision and authority, is complimenting Tan on her delivery, rendered in comical hissy-fit.
“Very nice, very Tera Patrick,” Wankus laughs. Jack Lawrence, an ex-cop, who’s just regaled me with some of his real life Deuce Bigalow male gigolo stories, says something about how the real Patrick was supposed to have given Annie Cruz away at their wedding in January. Except Patrick no-showed. Lawrence was also telling me about this scenario he was paid to do with a Hollywood actress. It involved him, five other guys and blindfolds. Lawrence says this is probably the kinkiest thing he’s done off camera but that a scene he did with Tan on a previous occasion rates right up there. Lawrence has been told that a book about his escorting days in Hollywood would never be believed. Neither is the blowjob that Tan is about to deliver. Lawrence slings her over his shoulder like a sack of exotic potatoes- and Tan delivers the goods with the blood rushing to her head.
Tan plays Dick Nasty’s wife. Nasty, who’s lost something like 25 pounds, is playing a shrink, and Tan is playing him for a sucker in this little set piece about infidelity. Nasty, who’s fucking around with his secretary, the Tel Aviv-born Daphne Rosen, is in no position to squawk, even though he wants to bury it deep in Mika’s hindquarters. But Tan, with giddy bitch-laughter, lends the impression that all the lavish shopping sprees in the world will never have him smelling the aroma of her ass. I’m about ready to suggest that Nasty pull out one of his cigars if worse comes to worst, but Tan is off and running into the arms of Lawrence where- of course- he fucks her in the ass. To get her in the mood, Jack’s doing stuff with his fingers that I wouldn’t try on a bowling ball. Meanwhile, Guy Capo, who’s shooting camera, notices a smell. But it’s not ass, swears Capo. “It’s a freshly cracked open Peruvian kilo.” I tell Capo I love his show on KSEX which some afternoons sounds like it’s backed up by the entire Peruvian orchestra.
Earlier, as Tan was pulling into the parking lot in her truck, Lawrence was observing how women who drive them and change their own tires generally take it in the butt. Lawrence, who tends to have a lot of theories and will share them with you, tells me another story about the time he’s working with a contract girl. He won’t name names- but the girl got squirmish because he was fingering her the same way he fingers Mika in their Team Tyler scene.
The contract girl walks off the set and Lawrence is going what the fuh. The director steps in and explains that Lawrence was too close to making her cum. Lawrence is told she only gets intimate like that with her boyfriend. Lawrence is trying to explain to the woman that this was his attempt to make an emotional connection with her. Glaring at him, she tells Lawrence to press the button on the side of his cock that says hard on and just do the scene for cryin’ out loud. Lawrence is laughing about how when he’s ready to quit porn, he’ll stage a dramatic walk off the set just like that. Give me something to write about. Meanwhile, Lawrence gets a call that Cruz just got injured on a set. His scene with Tan over, anyway, Lawrence is out the door. Something to write about.
Black Widow’s Ric Williams was off in the corner earlier checking out things- perhaps making sure that Wankus isn’t pulling off any illegal karaoke moves. Team Tyler and Williams have this distribution deal and Williams, whose baseball card states that he once dated scream queen Linnea Quigley, is asking Faith if she has any plans on going to New York soon which I guess is a polite way of saying you’re going to New York. Williams wants Faith on Stern, Ric explaining that a Stern appearance is an automatic extra 1,000 pieces in sales. Faith mentions that she had been on Stern in the past but nobody was getting her into a robo-spanker and she wasn’t about to do any other humiliating shit even for an extra 1,000 pieces.
Faith is scheduled to do a scene with Tommy Gunn, a slab of muscle with spiked hair and chin whiskers. Though you wouldn’t know it to see it, Gunn’s standing on a pair of $40,000 legs.
Gunn, who’s had the name from his dancing days, tells me in grim detail about the time he was jumping on a trampoline and how the muscles in both of his legs freakishly separated from the bone. He was rushed to the hospital for a very expensive operation and spent the next nine months in a wheel chair. Gunn pretty much says that nine months playing Christopher Reeve gave him a different slant on life and that he’s taking advantage of it. He just married Rita Faltoyano in a Vegas wedding last month but has promised to go back to her country and do it right, without Hungarian Elvises.
Faith, on the other hand, is displaying million dollar legs and gives Gunn a scene that would put any guy in a wheel chair. She’s wearing a tight dress and black pumps. I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen black pumps on a porn set. I wonder if Jack Lawrence has any theories about black pumps.