Ask yourself this question: when was the last time you saw Bill Margold without a mustache or Ron Jeremy with a 32-inch waist?

While the movie Olympic Fever available on DVD from Arrow Productions may not be the most accurate response from a trivia standpoint, at least it affords the opportunity of witnessing both phenomena, simultaneously.

In this slightly nonsensical production, Jeremy is on the other side of both the Atkins Diet and the American flag. He plays a Russian spy who can suck his own dick- if only for a second- just to show the canines in the neighborhood that he can. The fact that Ron does it from a standing position is all the more noteworthy.

And Seka, who emits a few grunts here and there but nothing discernible in the way of language as we know it, plays Jeremy’s Platinum accomplice. Their mission, once Jeremy displays the fact that he can suck his own dick [ keep telling yourself it’s not a gay act ], is to sabotage the U.S. Swim Team with the help of turncoat Paul Thomas.

[Thomas as the main go-to guy in one of the many briskly paced scenes has Seka bent over by her garter belt in one instance and lets ‘er rip.]

Sexually, Olympic Fever which also includes Serena, Connie Peterson, Candida Royalle, and R.J. Reynolds, gives you lot of sexual chestnuts to chomp on including an indoor cast orgy and an outdoor coupling against a Dr. Zhivago landscape, courtesy Mother Nature. But nowhere are the scenes played to the style and length you might be used to in contemporary porn. Which is way okay for couples who probably yearn for the good ol’ days of a storyline that didn’t sacrifice itself on the altar of interminable sexual gymnastics.

Meanwhile, the Russian plot masterminded by a cat-fondling Blofeld character out of James Bond is to kidnap the key member of the swim team, Laurie Smith, who plays a character named Kristin, and is billed in the credits as such. More trivia. And the rescue mission headed up by Coach Ron played by Margold is an economically downsized version of the one you might see in Stripes.

Besides all that, is the fact that Smith has a protein deficiency which can be stabilized by giving blow jobs, which means she has to suck a lot of cock to go that extra lap. Smith, as you can’t help but notice, also sports massive bush as though she’s got an old Howard Cosell hairpiece trapped in a leg lock. Other deficiencies besides the protein one also apply to a couple of cute continuity snafus that lend character to the piece’s sense of casual free-for-all and result from an unexpected said snow storm. For instance we see Margold running his team through a series of calisthenics on a warm spring day only to have a cutaway to Jeremy spying on them in the middle of a snow squall.

Closer inspection might uncover a few more hiccups, but that’s half the charm of these older porn flicks. And keep convincing yourself that sucking one’s own dick is not a gay act.