from www.queerty.com – This past weekend’s Value Voters Summit was a must-attend event for America’s bigot class, and any comedian who traffics in impersonating right-wingers.

At the same place where Maggie Gallagher and Carrie Prejean pulled the victim card, attendees also heard from Michael Schwartz (bigot Sen. Tom Coburn’s chief of staff), who has this interesting theory on pornography: It’s all gay! Yes, even straight porn is gay porn — and not just the straight porn that has seven guys jabbing at one girl’s orifices! Allow us (er, him) to explain.

Schwartz, who once claimed gays were using AIDS to push their Gay Agenda (so true!), joined a panel on “The New Masculinity,” which was not a conversation about butch v. femme, but rather had good fathers and husbands can make positive influences. He had some great insights, like this one:

But it is my observation that boys at that age have less tolerance for homosexuality than just about any other class of people. They speak badly about homosexuality. And that’s because they don’t want to be that way. They don’t want to fall into it. And that’s a good instinct. After all, homosexuality, we know, studies have been done by the National Institute of Health to try to prove that its genetic and all those studies have proved its not genetic. Homosexuality is inflicted on people.

And then, recalling friend Jim Johnson who survived the “homosexual lifestyle for a long time,” Schwartz relayed:

And one of the things that he said to me, that I think is an astonishingly insightful remark. He said, “all pornography is homosexual pornography because all pornography turns your sexual drive inwards. Now think about that. And if you, if you tell an 11-year-old boy about that, do you think he’s going to want to go out and get a copy of Playboy? I’m pretty sure he’ll lose interest. That’s the last thing he wants.” You know, that’s a, that’s a good comment. It’s a good point and it’s a good thing to teach young people.

Inwards? Well, sure, porn helps you find out, inwardly, what you’re into. It arouses you, inwardly, if only because there’s probably no willing sexual partner around an 11-year-old. But what’s any of that got to do with homosexuality? A boy playing with his own penis is going to make him crave more penis? The only way that could happen is if, uh, he’s already gay.

Now it’s unfortunate, then, that this website’s readership is almost exclusively queer, but if we asked straight guys if, when they were kids, they wanted to look at porn, we can say with a confidence level of 98.99 percent, the answer would be a resounding Yes.

The only way to find out, of course, is to give porn to 11-year-olds. Schwartz could probably help us with that experiment.