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R Kelly’s Great Big Kiddy Porn Trial To Kick Off In September

Chicago [hecklerspray.com]- Don’t be sad that the Phil Spector murder trial is almost over and soon there’ll be nobody left in the music industry accused of committing potentially life-destroying criminal acts – in a few weeks R Kelly will stand trial for taping himself boning a child.

Five years ago a tape was released of R Kelly performing all kinds of sex acts on a child believed to be as young as 13. And now, finally, a date has been set for the R Kelly sex tape trial to begin. As of September 17, R Kelly will stand trial for multiple counts of child pornography, and he faces up to 15 years in jail if he’s found guilty. The R Kelly trial is expected to last for a month, so if you know any decent jokes about R&B singers urinating on the faces of underage girls, do let us know – we have a feeling we’ll be needing them.

R Kelly is not a man troubled by questions of self-worth, as his ridiculous recent self-comparisons to Martin Luther King prove only too well. Though, on closer inspection, R Kelly has a point – R Kelly is exactly the same as Martin Luther King, or at least he would be if Martin Luther King had a) soundtracked a film about Bugs Bunny playing basketball with some cartoon aliens and b) allegedly filmed himself piddling onto the face of a minor in the middle of an underage sex tape. Other than that, though, completely spot on.

But now the law has stepped in to tell R Kelly that if you go around apparently having it off with children and then pissing on their faces on videotape, you’re only allowed to be a best-selling R&B singer for five years afterwards before you get taken to court.

Because, since the allegations that R Kelly had filmed himself doing the nasty with a girl potentially as young as 13 came to light in 2002, his career hasn’t taken the dive that many suspected it would have. In fact, since 2002 R Kelly has released hits like Ignition (about his penis being like a car key), Snake (about his penis being like a snake), In The Kitchen (about his penis being like an, um, kitchen) and I’m A Flirt (about how he likes to urinate of the faces of 13-year-old girls. Allegedly). All that plus R Kelly released the ridiculous Trapped In The Closet short films and apparently kidnapped a man and held him hostage or something.

However, now it’s time for R Kelly to face the music, because now a definitive date has been set for the start of his child porn trial, as the Chicago Tribune reports:

The trial for R&B singer R.Kelly on child pornography charges finally will begin next month in Chicago, a Cook County judge said Wednesday. It has been more than five years since the 40-year-old Grammy-winning musician was charged with multiple counts of child pornography for allegedly videotaping himself having sex with a girl prosecutors have said could be as young as 13. Judge Vincent Gaughan said jury selection will begin Sept. 17 in the trial, which should last about a month.

And R Kelly turned up in court yesterday to discuss the questionnaire used to select the jury. This is an especially important time for both the defence and prosecution in the R Kelly trial, as the nature of the questions will determine the sort of ride that R Kelly will get in court. For example, the prosecution will no doubt be pushing for questions relating to the potential jurors’ notions of law when applied to celebrities, while R Kelly’s defence are expected to push for questions like ‘What’s sexier, a man in his mid-thirties having sex with a young girl and pissing in her face or a man in his mid-thirties not having sex with a young girl and pissing on his face? (Hint: it’s the first one)’

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