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(AP Wire)- by Manny DiPresso, AP WriterOne hour fifteen minutes ago-

(March 29th) In a bizarre turn of events to a nearly insignificant feud of almost no legal importance whatsoever, Donald Rumsfield announced early this morning that he would be taking next week off to settle the growing 1st Amendment battle between Steve Banan of the Liberty News Network and DCypher of Metro’s Hardcoregossip.com.

” I feel that this is an issue that I can get behind,” said Donald Rumsfield, peering over his notes and suppressing his obvious zeal. ” I do not feel comfortable moving forward with the Bush re-election campaign, the war on terror, last seasons Sopranos, or the ongoing negotiations with North Korea and their little nuclear situation until we get some domestic disputes settled, and quite frankly, I like the island.”

Rumsfield, it was reported, came up with the idea to host the Iron Cage Death Match on Guatanamo Bay at the infamous CLUB X-RAY where foreign terrorists and prisoners of the war on terror are held, often without counsel and in violation of the Geneva Convention. Anonymous White House officials, who later found themselves removed from the DOJ and barred from their chosen professions for speaking to us, said that Rumsfield was asked by Ashcroft himself to investigate matters regarding Hardcoregossip.com and the Liberty News Network after negotiations to mediate the conflict using Reverend Jesse Jackson soured.

The move comes as a shock to followers of Banangate, all twelve of them, since earlier reports claimed that Dcypher had filed a motion with Kofie Annon and the United Nations to sue Banan in the World Court.

” Moving forward with this aggressive action now without the consent of the coalition would be a disastrous mistake,” claimed Kofie. ” I strongly caution both parties to reconsider this rash course of action and return to peaceful negotiations, for the sake of World Peace. And Steve, consider your health my man!”

Rumsfield refused to comment on sponsors but intimated that the World Bank and an unnamed German concern were “actively monitoring” the unfolding situation. When pressed as to the relevance of the crisis to world politics and the Administrations peaked interest, Rumsfield did not mix words.

” There has been talk of Dcypher’s intent to launch the Freedom Is Slavery News Network which will boast, according to my intelligence reports, forty one million and a half readers, four hundred and one news wires, sixty-two retired Solid Gold dancers, and a partridge in a pear tree. Just when and where will this escalating, Gaza-style madness end?” queried a befuddled Rumsfield quixotically. ” We can nip this thing in the bud now, one way or the other.”

Rising concern about the potential launch of the Freedom Is Slavery News Network reached a frenzied pitch when web consultants contacted the federal patent offices in regards to the BANALIZER, a button intended for the site. Ronnie Dobbs, a spokesperson for HCG, had this to say.

” It’s simple really. Whenever you get a new press release or searing ‘op-ed’ piece you simply run it through the BANALIZER and the grammar and spelling go all wonky on you. It’s actually quite ingenious really, if you think about it. It’s going to revolutionize the way we do marketing by obfuscating the products and confusing the consumers into not leaving the page.”

Details of the Iron Cage Death Match are still coming in, but Pentagon sources claim they have been instructed to construct and deliver an oversized bicycle rack to an undisclosed base in Florida as early as Tuesday of next week.

AP Sources report Dcypher is in martial arts training and that he has acquired the services of Sony Chiba, Quentin Tarrantino, Zack De La Rocha, and the ghost of Steve McQueen to aid his preparation. He is enrolled in extensive training at the Brooklyn School Of Broken Knuckles in Chatsworth, where he is conducting affairs with his legal advisor Skeeter Kerkove and issuing errant press statements to CNN, ABC, NBC, FOX, USA, GOOD MORNING AMERICA, MTV, BET, the NRA, MSNBC, BBC, QVC, and WHAT’S HAPPENIN’ HARLEM?

REUTERS and WHAT’S HAPPENIN’ QUEENS have so far been excluded despite frantic pleas to join the media blitz.

” I feel strongly about this,” said an adrenaline-pumped Dcypher, taking a break from smashing his head into concrete plates and lifting heavy weights with his genitals. ” Steve may claim he is fighting for his honor, his dignity, his family, and his sanity, but I have decided to fight for the environment, California schools, the underprivileged, and the Indians rights to own tax-free Casinos on reservation lands. Plus I think Pepsi is going to sponsor me, but don’t tell anyone.”

Inquiries into media coverage have concluded that Paula Zahn and Greta Van Susteren from CNN have both been vying for the weeklong event and are stocking up on mini skirts to taunt the inmates with and sun tan lotion. Paula Papsmear, an intern for Zahn, said the whole crew was prepared to go on a moment’s notice.

” It’s even more titillating than when we went into Afghanistan and found the caves filled to the ceiling with Chinese Ammunition,” said Paula. ” This may be the most patriotic thing I have ever done.”

Steve Banan was not allowed to make his own comments for this article, owing largely to his penchant for public boobery, but made these comments in a series of terse, and often comical, emails with the nose ring sporting psychopath Dcypher.

” You would just not leave my family, my business and me alone. However, I guess that is not in your nature. Forget any lawsuits that might be pending, that is over with right now. It is I against you personally and I know whom going to win that one[sic]. I am calling you out.”

When accused that he was using his “media credentials”, his purported connections with Ted Turner, and the Liberty News Network to make terrorist threats, the ever witty Banan fired back this scathing retort.

” Cowards like Wankus, yourself and all of the rest, always hide behind the Internet law of terrorist threats. The only men that have balls in this business that we call gossip adult Journalism whether you agree with us or not is Gene Ross, Luke Ford and I…[sic]”

When asked to comment, Dcypher took a break from punching his fists into buckets of ice while getting a French tipped pedicure and singing ‘It’s a small world after all,’ backwards and promptly flashed this reporter his large, hairy testicles.

” I’ve got as big a set of balls as Steve Banan, Donald Rumsfield, and the Dali Lama…combined! I could hold a man down by sitting on his face and use the extra skin to choke him out. Death by ball sack, how does that sound? I learned it during the ninth level of the fourteenth chamber of upside down Chinese water torture hell.”

Rumsfield, who did not at any point flash his genitals, closed his impromptu press meeting by saying, ” It promises to be a truly great event. The winner will be awarded totally amnesty to make grandiose claims on the World Wide Web and the loser will be chained to a rock near the sea and have his liver eaten by vultures for all eternity. It will set an example for all the nations of the world about how America treats its own citizens.”

President Bush could not be reached directly for comment, but once said these poignant words during a recent speech on the War on Terror, which has really nothing at all to do with Banangate.

“We overcame Sept. the 11th because this nation refused to be intimidated,” he said. “We weren’t going to let killers and assassins determine our course of life.”

More on this breaking story as it, um, breaks….