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Update: On the Set: Bree’s Big Screw Review

Porn Valley- DCypher’s on his way to the Van Nuys Studio Tuesday morning when he gets the first of the porno double wazoo.

Cypher‘s told that Jenna Haze, Jules Jordan’s girlfriend, is “sick” and can’t make this big shoot which is scheduled for Adam & Eve over the next two days and which Cypher’s directing.

Cypher, now trying to find a replacement, isn’t exactly convinced this is an authentic illness but has to accept the story at face value. After all, Haze must be coming down with something genuinely prohibitive to miss both a generously catered shoot and an opportunity like this.

On paper it all sounds pretty good. In a project titled, Bree’s Big Screw Review, Bree Olson and Jayme Langford play Siskel & Ebert-types, and they critiques sex movies [which have been shot especially for this feature] from theatre seats.

Olson also stars in one of the scenes in which she plays Martin Sheen to Tommy Gunn’s take of a totally demented gas mask-wearing army colonel in something called “A Cock in Lips Now.”

But the mention of Langford is the second barrel of the gun that went to Cypher’s head after he gets to the studio.

Cypher tailored and wrote this part with Langford, a redhead, in mind. Cypher’s a sucker for redheads. Now, all of a sudden, Langford’s decided she wants to quit the porn business. Today of all days, when, in fact, Langford’s call time was generously scheduled to accommodate her class schedule.

But I don’t think Langford quit because she found God or Shelley Lubben’s phone number. In any event, Cypher‘s got to come up with another girl. Which he did and another story to be told later in this piece.

With how it all worked out, Cypher’s got to laugh- in so far as all the concerned text messages he began receiving like early holiday greetings.

As soon as that part of the story was posted on the Internet, Cypher’s Blue Tooth chirped like a cricket in a wino’s pants. Because of the reference to a gun barrel, some thought Cypher was in some dire, emotional funk and about to take the gas cylinder. Condolences were being prematurely extended.

“They wondered if it was THAT bad,” laughs Cypher, highly amused by the chain of events.

I’m thinking this is all poetic license, anyway, and Cypher remembers The LA Daily News reporting on the unfortunate Brian Surewood incident involving speeding cars and a child who was killed as a result.

“They were racing at breakneck demon speed to a rendezvous with death,” quotes Cypher dramatically from the paper as though he were announcing a B-movie trailer.

Before they leaped, the concerned citizenry should have looked upon Cypher’s face to assess his personal damages when Angie Savage, www.adultfyi.com/read.php?ID=27466, naked as the day she lost her clothes, walked on the set. Even jaded porn directors tend to gawk and stare on occasion. This was one of those.

I once described Savage [pictured] as “a scintillating lady who lights up a room of salami, mustard and piled high corned beef.”

Of course, she was going to the ladies room in Jerry’s Deli at the time I wrote this and Savage remembers the moment. I tell Savage, who hangs out with rock stars, that she radiates. She tells me it’s probably because she dumped her husband.

Savage, a blond whoopie cushion with Monroe lips and a helium-induced manner of speaking, was on set for some gratuitous nudity – no sex- something about a cheesy-looking time bomb that goes off and an equally gratuitous opportunity for Jim Enright to assume the Bruce Willis persona.

Enright, for years, made a living in the adult business directing screwball comedies like Haunted Nights, one of my particular favorites.

Today he’s playing around with sticks of dynamite. Enright remembers when you’d shoot an entire movie in one sitting. Haunted Nights, starring Jonathan Morgan and Steven St. Croix playing Martin & Lewis types, was a 56-page script shot in 26 hours. And Enright has 100 gray hairs for every one of those pages to prove it.

Jace Rocker who’s written a few of those scripts, is eyeballing the monitors, warning Cypher of impending boom shadows. Then you got Holly Randall shooting pretty girls and the boxcover, and photographer Scott Preston was covering it for Club Magazine. This thing’s lining up like the Benny Goodman All-Stars.

Having Rocker and Enright on the set is also nice because you get to hear all the good stories, like the one about the well known porn director who used to have his drug dealer make deliveries on his sets while he’d halt the shoot to get a blowjob in the bathroom. Stuff like that. Enright’s also reminiscing about the late Ron Sullivan when Enright AD’d for him in the Eighties.

“He was a gas to work for,” Enright recalls. There’s also talk about a porn actress who blew the whistle on one of the studios concerning condoms, all of which apparently prompted interference from the state Health dept. From what I hear, they had a six-month contract to the exclusive use of Brett Bereny’s studio, but that deal’s over because of this situation.

For the trailer within the movie, Enright’s more or less channeling Bruce Willis in Die Hard. Just like you’d imagine a blood-splattered, hardboiled detective from the snarling, torn T-shirt, shoulder holster school of acting is supposed to look.

[One of those all familiar, smoke-curled alley way scenes shot deep in shadow, which, when you come to think of it, looks like something out of another cop movie, Sin City – sets up the premise.]

“This is riding the fine line between campy and goofy,” Cypher has to admit.

Enright’s one leg is propped against a wall, a cigarette dangles from his hand. I don’t think Enright smokes which is funnier.

“You look like My Own Private Idaho, Pt. 2,” Cypher yells across the room to him. “This looks so gay, I gotta tell ya.”

“This is good stuff but it lasts for all of two seconds in the movie,” Cypher says in the next breath.

To be polite but accurately descriptive, Enright looks like a Mexican lunch truck ran him over and Enright jokes about how this is the way he’d normally look at the Las Vegas convention after a debauched night with his former wife, Tiffany.

But even Enright, an ex-cop who kept himself on a very long leash in his testosterone-fueled days, has calmed way the fuck down. According to Enright, he and Shanna McCullough have just celebrated enough years together to qualify Enright for a personal record as far as his own fidelity is concerned. Still, Savage offers worthy consideration for the prospects of philandering.

As long as she wasn’t a redhead was McCullough’s chief concern, quips Enright- something which Enright has fatally in common with Cypher.

“She is totally Jennifer Tilly,” Enright says of Angie as they’re rehearsing dialogue. Someone’s whispering that Savage is the new Katie Morgan. Plopped on a bed together, with Savage vamping obscenely, Enright’s massaging her feet.

“If Randy Spears was here, he’d be all over these toes,” he observes. “But with Alec Metro it was the dirtier, the better.”

From here, everything flows into a very settled rhythm but you might not have guessed it the day before when Cypher had to scramble for replacements for Haze and Langford.

For Haze, he landed a newcomer named Jewel Styles from LA Direct. Styles is very cute, slithery tight and quite sexy. To her credit, Styles looks nothing like her pictures. Which was Cypher’s chief concern.

“We got lucky,” he whispers once Styles is ready for her pretty girls. He tells Styles that she’s way better looking than her pix give her credit for, and Style agrees.

“I’ve been told that a lot,” she concedes.

“God, she’s even dancing to a commercial,” chuckles Cypher with a radio blaring in the background. Cypher explains to her the scene she’ll be in.

“This is bondage tape, but a month from now it’ll be called Exhibit A,” he jokes with Styles who’ll be strapped with it to a throne in a dungeon and rescued [and facially innoculated] by Harry Potter. Or, the porn equivalent, played by Dane Cross who looks enough like the character to say that he was probably born to play this part.

Cypher’s replacement for Langford started out being Carly Banks.

“I talked to her on the phone and she seemed iffy about it,” relates Cypher.

“I even gave her a bonus and she was still iffy. She asked a lot of questions for someone getting a bonus.”

Assuming that Bank’s attitude to the proposition was an unqualified no, Cypher booked another girl, Faye Reagan, [which can prompt King Kong jokes if you think about it] only to learn that Banks was showering and ready to come to the studio. Cypher had to cancel Banks via her boyfriend.

With cupcake after cupcake turning up in this movie, Cypher cast Shawna Lenee to play the girlfriend in a trailer satirizing E.T. Only this one’s titled E.T.: The Extra Testicle and Marco Banderas, porn’s answer to Ricki Martin, plays the alien with amusing wordplay on the word alien.

Lenee’s shooting some pretty girls and is grinding like a one-woman burlesque show. Cypher saw Lenee in Pirates 2 and had to have her for this production. She has sandy blond hair, deep dimples, a come hither smile and, according to her, a photographic memory.

The gimmick is that Lenee and her boyfriend, who’s stood her up for the umpteenth time, have had words and she decides that he’s gay and she’ll finish the job on her own.

Meanwhile, Banderas is under a pile of stuffed animals off in a corner of Lenee’s bedroom but will emerge with a mutant glowworm beaming through his jockey shorts. Matching that radioactivity is Banderas’ teeth- whiter than Liberace’s piano keys.

Cypher wanted to rent the toys but was told by the prop house it would cost him $500 for 25 of ‘em. Cypher got a way better deal by shopping at Goodwill. No way of knowing how much Banderas’ choppers have cost him at the prop house. They are actually blinding in the key light.

With Madison Scott later arriving at the studio for the wrap up scene with Evan Stone, Cypher notes the power of Scott’s obvious hoo-doo, remembering the time when Scott had gone on KSEX to talk about a scene between her and Brian Surewood that went awfully wrong, at least, according to her.

Surewood wound up in jail only days later for that auto incident. And, in another grim coincidence, the guy who shot the scene – Chico Wang- wound up dead in a motel room.

Therefore, Cypher said he was going to pay Scott great respect and get out this shoot in one piece. He’s kidding, of course.

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