Gene sez: having written 8 Wendy Whoppers movies including Wendy Whoppers Ninja CPA, Wendy Whoppers Park Ranger and other enduring porn classics, I was drawn like a fart to a butane flame by the following exchange:

A big breast fan writes: My fetish is pretty unoriginal, but has been lacking attention in your column for as long as I’ve been reading it. I have a breast fetish. More specifically, I like bigger-than-your-head breasts. Could you find out why all the huge-breasted porn stars of the mid ’90s (Tiffany Towers, Wendy Whoppers) left the industry and why there aren’t any new ones replacing them? And more important, how do I find a partner that is willing (and eager) to get her breasts enlarged to epic proportions?

Boy Requesting Education About Super Tits

Dan Savage on behalf of The Boston Phoenix writes back: Did you know that if you Google “huge breasts,” you get 1,170,000 hits? But if you Google “huge balls,” you get only 67,000? And that if you Google “huge asshole,” you get 8830 – including a link to the official White House Web site?

My assistant, Mahrya, discovered these amazing facts, BREAST, while tracking down Tiffany Towers and Wendy Whoppers, neither of whom responded, as they say at the New York Times, to my repeated requests for comment. I could’ve looked up “huge breasts” myself, I suppose, but enormoboobs are so early-to-mid Clinton era, you know? I like to reserve my time for researching newer, freakier fetishes, thank you very much, so it seemed like the perfect assignment for my assistant. Apparently not.

Shortly after tracking down Tiffany Towers, Mahrya informed me that she’s moving on. It seems my assistant found more respectable work at a law firm where she won’t have to Google “huge breasts” ever again. (The partners will have to Google that for themselves.) While I’m sorry to see Mahrya go – thanks for everything, M. – I am looking forward to hiring a new assistant. Does spending the day Googling enormoboobs, tracking down retired porn stars, and gently reminding me about deadlines I’ve already missed sound appealing? Send me an e-mail. (Male applicants are encouraged to enclose pictures of themselves in Speedos.)

On to your issues, BREAST: since Miss Towers and Miss Whoppers wouldn’t speak to me, I can’t tell you precisely where they’ve gone. (Perhaps they’ve gone to see surgeons about having those basketball-size implants removed?) But I can tell you why the boom in enormoboobs went – wait for it – bust, BREAST. The sudden appearance of women with ridiculously huge boob implants was arousing in part because of its shock value. There was the shock of women with such exaggerated racks, of course, but there was also the more important and, sadly, the infinitely more arousing shock of women finding a novel new way to imperil their health in order to attract the attention of men.

Men have always found it arousing when women go to bizarre extremes – self-mutilation (bound feet) and self-torture (high heels) – to make themselves more attractive, and enormoboobs were extreme in the extreme. That enormoboobs played into the deeply ingrained and thoroughly eroticized misogyny that plagues all human cultures to varying degrees was lost on most men. (Let’s not be too relativist about this: I’m sure most women would prefer to live in a culture that allows women who want to have enormoboobs to go and get them over, say, a culture that compels all women to have their clits cut off.)

So why did the enormoboobs thing go bust? Once the shock value wore off, BREAST, what was left? Women with huge racks. But once you’ve seen 20 or 30 women with huge breasts tossing chairs at each other on Jerry Springer, well, the fetish doesn’t seem so fresh anymore. The porn market moved on, Towers and Whoppers found it harder to get work, and new porn stars didn’t line up for enormoboob jobs because there wasn’t any money in it.

While the culture has moved on to other, fresher, more interesting fetishes – robo fetish, anyone? – you’ve still got a bone for enormoboobs. That’s a problem, BREAST, because finding a partner who’s willing to torture herself by getting huge implants is going to be tough. Most of the women who got them were looking to cash in on the porn-driven craze for huge breasts and/or go on Springer and toss chairs around. They didn’t do it to please themselves or just one guy. Body mods, however, are an emerging fetish, BREAST, and you might find a woman out there who’s into body mods who would be willing to blow her chest up to enormous proportions to please you. She may very well insist, however, that you reciprocate by blowing your balls up to please her. She’ll have a hard time standing up, BREAST, and you’ll have a hard time sitting down, but we all have to make sacrifices for love, right?