Let’s talk about not being fat.

A story was out the other day on AVN about a fat movie. According to the CDC, obesity is a disease. I don’t get why they would celebrate a disease. When you live in the real world like I do, the real world does not celebrate being fat. Most people try to lose weight, be healthy, generally take care of themselves. In this business, we celebrate being fat. We revere fat fucks.

Another thing I noticed is that impartiality and propriety has gone right out the window when it comes to AVN. Back in the day, if you hung out with Paul Fishbein and partied with him, it wouldn’t look very good come awards time. They used to give a fuck about the legitimacy of their awards process. But now, with AVN and Wicked both being owned or controlled by Manwin, there is no attempt to even give the appearance of impartiality. This is all in context with the article that appeared in AVN.

The article reads:

“Drake, Shibari Wrap Plus Size Instructional”

What that means is fat girls, OK? They wanna put a nice label on it because we are in some weirdo society where you can’t say fat. “Plus Size” means fat. When I weighed 250 pounds, I was fat. I wasn’t plus size, I wasn’t big boned, I was fat. I was obese and according to the CDC, it’s a fucking disease.

Let me continue:

“Wicked Pictures contract director/performer Jessica Drake and award-winning BBW performer Kelly Shibari…”

Not an AVN award winning fat fuck. Because she didn’t win that award. April Flores did. Kelly Shibari didn’t win fat fuck of the year from AVN, so she’s not that award winner.

“…have completed principal photography for their new collaborative addition to Drake’s multiple AVN Award-crowned instructional series, Jessica Drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex: Plus Size.”

““From the inception of my series Guide to Wicked Sex, I’ve wanted it to be a unique educational hybrid, an all inclusive resource to everyone interested in realizing their sexual potential,” Drake said. “When I began doing seminars and workshops years ago, I quickly realized women and couples of size were lacking options, and it seemed many plus size movies were still upholding the clichéd stereotypes, often in a derogatory fashion.””

What derogatory fashion? If you’re an obese motherfucker, that’s the movie you should be in. Whale Watchers, The Fat, The Bald and The Ugly, Blubber Fuckers. What, do you wanna put em in prom queen movies, motherfuckers? What movie did I see at the Oscars recently that showed big fat slobs being glorified? Thank you.

“She continued, “I have long admired Kelly for her sex positive attitude, her determination…”

There ain’t no determination to lose weight and get in shape. Her only determination is to eat a big plate of ham.

“…and her desire to educate…”

Educate who? If she was educating people, she would teach them to lose weight, because being obese if not healthy.

“…and I knew she would be the perfect person to collaborate with for this project. Over the past year, we gradually built the rapport to embark on what I feel is one of the greatest volumes in the entire series. I am very grateful for her input and expertise.””

Her expertise in being a fat broad? That’s her expertise. “Hi, I’m gonna tell you what foods to eat that will make you as fat as me.” When did we start celebrating being obese and having a disease? If somebody could tell me when that happened in the United States of America. Or is it just the porn industry? There are campaigns in America that promote health. Just last week they showed President Obama and Vice President Biden running through the White House to promote fitness. The First Lady announced new food labeling guidelines that would help people to eat healthier. America is striving to be more fit and the porn business is striving to be more fat.

Kelly Shibari is educating people to kill themselves quicker. Obesity is a disease, like AIDS. I don’t see them making videos to show people how to give each other AIDS. Jessica Drake, since you’re all into making movies with diseased people, why don’t you do one with AIDS carriers? Why don’t you do a movie with nothing but AIDS infected actors? Get Marc Wallice, get Tony Montana, get Tricia Devereaux, get John Stagliano. Get all the AIDS actors together and do an educational movie about fucking with AIDS. It’s the same thing.

Here’s Jessica Drake making a fat girl movie and talking about educating people. You wanna educate people? Tell these fat fucks to eat an apple. Tell em to go jogging. Tell em to do 20 minutes of cardio a day.

“I am incredibly thrilled with what we were able to capture on camera,” Shibari offered. “The content we created for Jessica Drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex: Plus Size is beautiful, with a very cinematic feel.”

Can you imagine what it smelled like in that room with all those fat motherfuckers? It smelled like ham. These people smell like greasy fucking ham. They had dogs scratching the door outside the studio.

Kelly Shibari, have an apple. Have some vegetables. You’re Japanese. Aren’t you supposed to be thin? I never heard of a fat Jap, unless they’re a Sumo wrestler. You’re not a wrestler, you’re a woman, goddammit! What kind of rice do you eat? Baked in ham?

“The couples we interviewed were absolutely inspiring, and the performers we cast and the crew all brought their A-game. All the elements combined have helped to create a product not only visually stimulating—it is emotionally empowering.”

Emotionally empowering. Fat people slapping their flab together is emotionally empowering?You know what would’ve been emotionally empowering? Getting these fat motherfuckers to jog around the block a couple times and lose some weight. That would’ve been emotionally empowering. Not having them do exercises that could put them in the hospital. Because fat people shouldn’t have vigorous sex like that. Doctors will even tell people who are overweight, “Make sure you’re careful so you don’t have a stroke, you fat fuck.”

When I was 250 pounds, after 10 minutes of vigorous fucking, I looked like I had been in a sauna for an hour. Trust me, I know what you fat fucks go through. I used to be one of you. But I’m not anymore. I have self respect and pride now. It’s called self control. You can have a cupcake. Just don’t eat 10 cupcakes. You can have a coupla slices of pizza. Just don’t have two extra large Big Mamas. You can have a scoop of ice cream. Just don’t gobble down a whole gallon. That’s emotionally empowering. Why don’t you empower fat people to put down the gallon of ice cream and have some fucking self respect?

This is where it gets bizarre:

“The cast of Jessica Drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex: Plus Size includes beautiful BBW performers Devlyn Red, Angel DeLuca and Scarlet LaVey, as well as non-performer couples Scarlette Cyn and JC Lewis, and AVN’s own Sherri L. Shaulis and partner Michael Colbert.”

So you have AVN workers in a sex movie to be sold by Wicked. If that’s not a conflict of interest, I don’t know what is. Sherri L. Shaulis is an employee of AVN. Isn’t that a conflict of interest? Can somebody help me out with this?

“The movie showcases women of a diverse range of BBW sizes, ranging from size 14 to 24…”

Size 24? Are you outta your fucking minds? Guys, I go out with a girl who is a size 0. I go out with a girl who is 113 fucking pounds. I couldn’t fathom putting my arms around someone who is a size 24. I’d sooner fuck Ron Jeremy in his asshole. Do you how fat a size 24 is? When you’re a size 24, you’ve given up all hope on life. You might as well say I’m a size death. A size 24 would die if they had to do 24 jumping jacks. You could get stalked by a big game hunter at size 24. Might as well shoot you with a tranquilizer gun.

“Commented Scarlette Cyn, “This film project provided my partner and me the ability to explore each other’s bodies through communication exercises and real life practical scenarios…””

What exercises? You haven’t seen an exercise in your life, ya fat motherfucker. What practical scenarios? Lifting up your flab to clean out your crevices so you don’t smell like dog shit?

““As with all volumes, we truly owe everything to our amazing cast,” Drake noted.”

Hey Jessica, why don’t you do a three way with two of these fat motherfuckers? Wouldn’t that have been something? Little Jessica Drake sandwiched between Kelly Shibari and Scarlet Cyn. You woulda been in Sea World harpooning Shamu and Orca, baby. No, you don’t see Jessica Drake in there. You don’t see Jessica Drake in there eating that pussy. Why? Because she would have to clean that shit with a firehose. Can you see Kelly Shibari and Scarlette Cyn lifting up their fat rolls to clean out that fromunda? Do you know what fromunda is? That’s the gristle lodged in the crevices fromunda their fat cunts.

“Jessica Drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex: Plus Size, which will be available in spring/summer 2014…”

Of course it’s gonna take five months to edit that sloppy blob of shit.

“…takes viewers through a variety of topics, from relationship communication, discussion of trigger words…”

What trigger words? Cake? Ice cream? HAM? Is that a trigger word? You say the word ham and watch these blobs start to quiver and have orgasms. You whisper ham into their ear and they orgasm and squirt. Except they’re not squirting orgasm fluid, they’re squirting ham juice. Trigger words. Baskin Robbins? Bon Bons? Reese’s peanut butter cups? Remember how ET loved Reese’s pieces? Leave a trail of Reese’s peanut butter cups on the floor and watch these fat slobs gobble em up like Pacman.

“…acceptable terminology between partners, size-friendly sex positions, and body confidence exercises…”

I don’t even know what that means. You know what it sounds like? Excuses to accept your partner for being a fat fuck. That’s what it means.

“…I truly hope this film will help men, women and couples of size become more confident in their sexuality…”

You wanna be more confident in your sexuality? Stop eating ham and cupcakes! Stop eating Twinkies by the box, you fat motherfucker!

“…explore their amazing bodies…”

Explore their amazing bodies? A bitch in a size 24? It’ll take you a week to explore their fat ass.

“I’m so honored to have Jessica and Wicked on board to help realize a project I have been conceptualizing for over four years; it’s truly humbling…”

For four years Kelly Shibari has been working on a movie about eating cupcakes and ham.

Pictured in the article are Derrick Pierce and Kelly Shibari. I feel bad for Derrick Pierce. You know Derrick Pierce is disgusted. The fuckin guy’s a fitness buff. You know he’s just doing it to pick up the cash. He created a mobile fitness lab to go around and train people. He’s in impeccable shape. You ever seen Derrick Pierce? He’s got a body like an Adonis. He’s gotta appear in a movie with people who have lost all hope in their lives. Unbelievable. You know Derrick Pierce has gotta be thinking, “Look at these fucking wildebeests. Ugh. Oh, well. Gotta pay the rent.”

This concludes our perspective on disgusting fat motherfuckers. I know some of you don’t like what I’ve said here today. That’s because you have a fat disgusting girlfriend or wife and you’re a miserable wretch. Or you are a big blob of blubber yourself.

Me? I’m delicious and my girlfriend’s delicious.

Can I get a hell yeah? HELL YEAH!

Follow Rob Black on Twitter @RealRobBlack Email: [email protected]