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7 Cities The Porn Industry Could Move To If It Leaves Los Angeles

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from www.screenjunkies.com – The Los Angeles city council has passed a law, to be enacted on March 5th, that all adult film actors must wear a condom while performing scenes within the LA city limits. The ruling came out of concerns for the health and safety of the actors involved, as well as a desire to not promote unsafe sex to the masses.

As the deadline nears, production companies are considering emigrating from Los Angeles to locales that don’t have such restrictions in place. Though it’s unlikely that the industry will emigrate en masse, there are many cities that would be both viable and desirable for porn film production. Many aren’t intuitive, but behind each location listed are some unique aspects that many may find to be more desirable than Los Angeles (which includes the valley districts of Chatsworth, Canoga Park, and many others).

El Paso

El Paso seems like an odd choice for to house the porn industry, but it serves a niche purpose. A study done in 2004 found the Texas border town to be the sweatiest city in the United States. With an average summer temperature of 93 degrees and relative humidity of 70%, El Paso is a sauna all right. El Paso City Council has been trying to repudiate the claim, as would most cities, but why not turn a problem into an opportunity, as everyone (I think) loves good, sweaty sex.

Think about the marketing. “_________ (film name) offers the kind of sweaty lovemaking that only El Paso can provided. Sure, other films offer sweaty sex, but shooting in El Paso means that we couldn’t get any sweatier if we tried.”

This goes hand-in-hand with an idea I had for Bikram pornography, but I really don’t feel comfortable talking about that until the patent office gets back to me.

Portland

Portlandia has become a cult hit as it observes, reports, and ridicules the idiosyncrasies of this one-of-a-kind town, so why not demonstrate to what end those quirks exist? We’re over schoolgirls, exercise instructors, and cheerleaders. Give us baristas, underemployed DJs, and bicycle messengers. I’m getting worked up just thinking about it!

I would like to see fetish films about fair-trade sex and environmentally responsible gangbangs. In fact, I’m going to demand it. I hear the quality of life is amazing in Portland, so I’m sure that the talent would be thrilled to move there.

Also, Voodoo Donuts is amazing.

Miami

If you ever wished your porn was greasier, sleeker, and more contrived, then Miami would be number one on your wish list as an adult film locale. Sure, everyone liked amateur porn…for a while. But don’t you now want ridiculously tan Latin dudes having sex in Escalades while a single hair doesn’t fall out of place? Yeah you do.

And if you thought that porn actresses in LA were plastic looking, get excited, because the ones in Miami will be the plastic-est. It’s like watching realistic robots have sex. Which is kind of true, since most people in Miami don’t have souls.

St. Louis

I just think this would be funny on both ends. It would be funny to cite St. Louis as the home of Cardinals baseball and the porn capital of the world, and it would also be funny to see what happens to St. Louis, when 10,000 porn actors get dropped off there on March 5th. I imagine it would be like the opening scene in Scarface, but with a lot more Juicy Couture track suits and small dogs.

St. Louis is also home to the arch. Ever since I was a teenager, I’ve been clamoring for an adult film that uses the arch in a sexual fashion. I don’t have an engineering degree, so I don’t know what’s possible, but I do know that greater minds than mine can sort this type of thing out.

Branson, Missouri

I’ve never been to Branson, but I’m guessing that I wouldn’t like it much as it is today. It seems largely to be a destination for people in RVs who enjoy country music revues and the comedic stylings of Ronald Reagan’s favorite comedian, Yakov Smirnoff. Branson will never get my money unless something changes.

I think you could qualify a mass influx of adult film workers as “something changing.” All of a sudden, Las Vegas has a rival. Drug dealers, sex workers, and Hummer dealerships would flourish. A seedy underbelly would develop in a matter of minutes. I’ve even got a new tourism slogan:

“Branson, Missouri: A Tale of Two Cities”

Awesome, right?

Salt Lake City

This scenario would be pretty much the same as the Branson one, only you get the whole lapsed Mormon thing going on, which is hot as hell. I happen to know a handful of Mormons in the adult industry, and they’re great. It’s nice to hang out with people who are completely incapable of judging you because you are familiar with their spectacular downward spiral.

It would also make Sundance a lot more fun.

Gstaad

I know very little about Gstaad, except that it’s a Swiss alpine city that rich people went to in the 1970’s and 80’s. If it was to get a burgeoning adult film scene, I think that it would be done right. Not only would the films get 80% classier, but I think that they would be hotter just by having the word “Gstaad” in the opening credits. It’s a sexy word, and two camps would develop. One group would pronounce it “Schtaad,” while another group would say “G-shtad.” A smaller splinter group would say “G-shtat.” I like to think I would be in the third camp, but there’s only one way to know for Gsure.

Bring porn to Gstaad. For the sake of art.

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