Porn Valley- I couldn’t tell you what the budget of a splatter flick is, but I do know that Jonathan Morgan’s movie Camp Cuddly Pines Power Tool Massacre looks and feels every bit as convincing as your standard Friday the13th movie. That being said, if you know anything about porn budgets, the evidence speaks volumes here. Every dime spent shows up on the screen.

From The Ring to Halloween to Fun House, a roll call of gorefest movie standards and practices suggests that Morgan leaves very few stones left unturned here despite omissions of the obligatory nude shower sequence and the moonlight skinny dip. Apparently Jonathan didn’t feel obligated to turn the water on but, otherwise, you shouldn’t feel slighted because there’s something like 10 scenes coming full blast at you. They all make sense within the context of the story, so none of them are gratuitous. Which is saying something for a porn film with a running time of 2 1/2 hours. So basically there’s no compromises or feelings that the clock’s running on your dime with a lot of bullshit padding.

Employing the film look, the camera work, writing and editing are second to none; but, surprisingly, the leads- Stormy Daniels, Jessica Drake, Voodoo, Tommy Gunn and Eric Masterson pull this thing off in ways that will simply floor you. Stormy’s the ostensible blond bimbo; Drake- and I’m not sure if this is some kind of wig she’s wearing – is the one with the smart mouth. Voodoo’s the dumb jock and TG’s even a dumber one. But it’s Masterson as a stoner with a vidcam, ala Blair Witch, who’s the big surprise and should get a nomination for his wonderful work. But any more comments to that regard start giving the plot away, and Camp Cuddly Pines has way too many tricks up it’s sleeve to begin looking for elbows.

Stormy and company, in a scene right out of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, are in a van heading for a concert. Except that obvious thud in the road turns out to be a homeless guy. “Like which is worse,” says one of the characters. “The smell of a homeless guy or the smell of a dead homeless guy?” And in a gimmick dragged off the carcass of yet another dead movie, National Lampoon’s Vacation, the decision is made to tie the body to the roof. Only by the time the group pulls into Camp Cuddly Pines at night with a flat, no gas and a popped rod, the body seems to have disappeared. The group splits up. Stormy and Drake look for a phone. If you were a phone where would you be? A phone booth, dimwit Stormy determines.

And if you were sideburns where would you reside? The obvious answer is on Mike Horner who sports the grossest pair since Martin Van Buren. Horner’s the creepy caretaker of Camp Cuddly Pines which is built on desecrated Indian burial ground as if there’s any other. And Horner has a yarn or two to spin by the campfire. Daniels and Drake are told about asylums where Manuel Ferrara fucks all the inmates; horny youths and deranged psycho killers amped with power tools.

In the blood-saturated body count, Katie Morgan and Kris Slater have just satisfied their impulses by the lake, when the camp’s mystery killer whacks them. Yet maybe the most inspired moment in the film comes by way of The Ring when Voodoo meets the spooky girl from the well [Nicole Sheridan]. After he bangs her, Voodoo tells Sheridan that she’s a sweet, creepy chick but this is a one time thing. Which is prophetic in his case because Masterson outlasts Voodoo possibly to qualify in the Best Actor category instead of Best Supporting. Tommy Gunn, who’s performance is basically limited to several looks of concern along with some ab poses, gets it as well after he’s fucked the spirit guide Cherokee.

All of this is really good stuff with loads of jokes about cell phone coverage, but the show takes it to the next level with the appearance of Randy Spears as the hick country sheriff. Spears has just arrested [and fucked] Devon Michaels for J-walking – in the woods, no less. But the best line of the movie has got to be where Spears is interrogating Stormy and tells her, “I got a keen sense of smell and under that cucumber-melon body lotion I smell a bunch of bullshit.” From here, be prepared to take the road less traveled. That’s all I can say. And remember, the road is a dark one. Remember not to J-walk.