Porn Valley- New Beginnings, a company that sells adult novelties, was going to have this open house last Friday. But that was cancelled and apparently re-scheduled for today, Valentine’s Day. Which kind of makes sense to think about it.

If you’re going to give your loved one a gift, what better way to express your devotion than with a butt plug? On top of this- the guys from Arrow Productions, www.xxxdeepthroat.com- Paul and Robert Interlandi- were bringing Arrow’s tricked out ’74 Vette out of Vegas with all the Linda Lovelave trimmings and regalia on it for view in New Beginning’s parking lot. The idea was for me to hook up with them.

So I get to Sylmar where New Beginning’s warehouse is located, sometime around 11 this morning. But there was nothing of the trimmings or hoopla to suggest an open house. No balloons. No banners. No clowns with seltzer bottles. And no Foothill Blvd. High School marching band. This is not good.

I found the Corvette but I didn’t find the Interlandis. I ask the dildo lady at the counter where I might locate these guys since their car with the hood snapped open is out in the company’s lot. Judging by her this is news to me reaction, apparently she wasn’t aware of a tricked out Vette in the lot. But she was nice enough to explain that I should try the main office around the corner for all my Interlandi shopping needs.

Which I did. The fact that the title “receptionist” is probably the most abused oxymoron in the English language was pretty obvious when I began asking for the guys whose tricked out Vette was in the parking lot. The receptionist had no idea what I was yammering about and didn’t seem enthused enough to take the discovery process beyond that. She made a concessionary call. Meanwhile I’m in the lobby waiting and waiting.

To anticipate the question of whether she subsequently forgot about me- no, I don’t think so. Because I’m standing there performing Mr. Olympia-style rear lat poses in the middle of a place that sells dildos. All this with no response, I might add.

Rather than make this an issue I quietly leave. When I get home there’s a call from Robert Interlandi. Basically he was trying to save me a trip, telling me the Open House had been cancelled. Only he didn’t find this out himself until he got to New Beginnings this morning.

So let me get this straight, I ask Robert- you drove here from Vegas. Yes, he tells me. A six hour drive with the Vette towed on a trailer. Yes, he tells me. And no open house? Yes, he tells me. But you didn’t know about this beforehand. Yes, he tells me.

Interlandi is extremely apologetic.

“I feel bad about that- you’re a busy guy and went there to write a story,” he says. “We were up in one of the offices having a meeting.” Then Interlandi tells me something about someone back home he could have been humping for Valentine’s Day.

Now I’m the one apologizing to him.