Porn Valley- Switzerland hardly took a neutral stand this week on Cytherea, the Goddess of Gush, by kicking her off its newstands. But it was only last week that Cytherea, www.clubcytherea.com nearly got kicked out of her house in what was described as “the craziest fucking story you’re ever going to hear in your life.”

Brian, aka The Dago Bomber, aka Plus One, aka Bubba, told the story on their KSEX show, www.ksexradio.com last week. Brian related how he and Cytherea had been visiting some friends of theirs in Northridge. Another friend of theirs, the ultimate fighter Aaron Brink known in porn cycles as Dick Delaware was shooting a scene. After the scene was over, Delaware gives them a ride home. Brian goes on to relate that there’s a big gate in front of his property. “It’s a couple of acres, big front yard, a couple of guest houses, pool what not. “Our gate is closed, which is unusual because the day before the gate broke. The gate was propped open when we left.” Cytherea said that was because Jerry’s Deli ran over the control box, breaking the gate.

“The gate is closed,” continues Brian, “and the trash cans we wheel out to the street each week are lining the inside of the gate to prevent it from opening. Someone has taken a newly acquired No Trespassing sign and propped it up on front of the gate.” Brian said he and Cytherea are wondering what the fuck is going on and he’s ready spring into action ala Sardos. Brian said he took note that all the doors are also open in all the guest houses.

“Dick Tracy’s car that doesn’t run is sitting in the driveway with all its doors open. The gate and everything leading into the pool and the main portion of house- my house- is open. There’s this lady just rocking out to our boom box out of the gym. We’ve got a gym attached to the house. She’s going crazy and moving our stuff out of the house and placing it in the front yard. She’s in the process of moving whatever trinkets and knickknacks she’s got in her back pack, in.”

Thinking that this woman was for real, Brian addressed her. “Hi. She says I’m glad you’re here.” Brian said he was, too, that he was tired and wanted to go to bed.

“There’s major things going on and whoever’s inhabited these domiciles has got to go,” she told him. Brian told her he lived there. “This lady is just cracked out of her brain,” said Brian. The woman proceeds to tell Brian and Cytherea that they’ve set up tenancy illegally.

“She is down here at the request of her father, Mr. Mafia,” says Brian. “Because Mafia people hear shit, he had heard that people have broken into and stolen his house. Brian told the woman she’s obviously confused. “And she’s going, huh!!??”

Admitting that he’s quick tempered, Brian said he couldn’t get mad. “I don’t know if I’m getting set up, if I’m getting punk’d. I don’t know if Wankus is in the fuckin’ guest house with a camera. I don’t know what the fuck is going on.” After reading off a litany of names, the woman now has a new story- that she’s been sent their by her employer, the CIA. She then warned Brian that she had been implanted with an x-ray chip in her head that allows the CIA to watch, listen and monitor everything he was doing. “And we don’t approve,” she told Brian.

“Your government doesn’t approve and all hell’s going to break loose.” She then told Brian he was cute and wondered if she might suck his dick. Almost rendered speechless in the retelling of the story, Cytherea said she learned not to start fights with crazy people.

Brian then asked the woman if the CIA would approve of her sucking his dick and him taking video footage of it. “I’m really high up, I know what’s going on,” she replied.

Telling her that he has a buddy in the CIA, Brian proceeded to dial Wankus who was on the air that moment at KSEX. But Brian said he didn’t let Powder know to put him on the air immediately. “I said, dude I got to talk to Wankus.” To which Powder told him he’d give him the message.

“She then proceeds to tell us that we don’t live here and then gets in a screaming-yelling fight with Cytherea,” explains Brian. “She’s going to hit her with a pipe that she’s carrying around.” Cytherea then ran into the house. “She calls the police.” The woman then proceeds to tell Brian that the house was part of her compensation package, that she had just moved from Palm Springs, being an actress, and that her uncle was Mr. Coppola of Godfather fame.

“And this house was part of her compensation package and she was in the process of cleaning it out and fixing it up.” Brian then related that he had bought a mini Harley scooter and that Cytherea had picked up a small children playing sign somewhere along the line.

“I thought the small children playing sign was like retards playing or something like that,” said Brian. “So I put the small children playing sign in the front yard and crashed the motorcycle into it with a helmet laying in the driveway so it looked like a retard crashed into the sign.” According to Brian, the woman visitor had taken the motorcycle up to the guest house and was polishing it.

“Because it was an insult to her and her family to treat the motorcycle that way because her brother had built it from scratch.

“She’s washing the motorcycle,” Brian continues. “She’s got our radio going; Cytherea ran for cover- she’s called the police. I’m just sitting there. At this point Dick Delaware has left. Dick Tracy has arrived. We called him because this lady’s digging through his fucking car.” The woman felt that one of the guest houses was okay because that was pretty much the way her brother had supposedly left it.

“Before he went away on a fishing trip. She had a big problem with the gym. She had shit strewn out all over the yard.” And, supposedly, the CIA being the CIA, got wind of information via the chip in her head that the woman had moved to Woodland Hills.

“They got her on the wacky bitch hotline,” Brian mused. The CIA also apparently received word that the air quality in Woodland Hills was not up to CIA standards. “In the middle of her acting career and everything else, could she straighten out that ozone problem above Woodland Hills.”

Brian observes that no way is the woman sane at any given point during the conversation. “But she’s drifting out between dangerous, volatile and quite lucid and believing what she’s doing,” he says. “She’s quite cooperative at points. I just wanted to get this crazy bitch out. I don’t know how to calm her down- if she’s got AIDs and is going to bite me.” Until the police got there, Brian just wanted to keep her attention diverted.

“I tried a variety of things. She offered to suck Dick Tracy’s dick because he looks like Fred Durst. That appeased her for a couple of moments.” But what concerned Brian was that the woman still had a steel pipe in her hand and was looking for “that house stealing cute bitch.” What apparently calmed the woman down was when Brian promised to get her a Slurpee. He thought it was funny.

According to Brian, eight cops and four cars showed up. Of all the nutty shit the “basehead” was doing, Brian found it funny that Cytherea elected to tell the cops the woman wanted to suck his dick. “That was the tell-tale sign? Couldn’t you have picked a better illustration?”

The cops then asked the woman if they could talk to her for a second. “Really, CIA? Can you put your hands behind your back, please. The police seemed to have everything well in hand,” Brian reported. And that’s when Brian decided he had enough and was going to Starbucks to get a Frappuccino.

While he was gone, it was Brian’s understanding that the cops arrested the girl, found her medication and took her away. “Fifteen minutes later there’s a knock on the door,” he said. It’s one of the cops asking if he could use the bathroom. Then another cop came to the door.

Apparently the cops were trying to figure out how a 23 year-old like Cytherea was living in a house like that. “On the fireplace is Tinkerbell, the 15-inch dildo,” says Brian. “Playing on the Plasma is Black & White Crime volume fucking whatever. They’re trying to work up the guts to ask Cytherea for a fucking porn.” Among the porn she gave the cops was Squirting 101.

“If you ever need anything here’s our card- don’t hesitate to call,” the cops told her.