Porn Valley- In Gauge’s absence Friday, Frankie Larue made more than an able substitute CoHo. Quasarman explained that Larue was pretty much going to be the default CoHo in Gauge’s absence from now on and that Larue was supposed to have been on The Distorted Reality Show a couple of weeks back, if not for the fact that she had to pick up her grandmother- in the very literal sense.

“When I asked where she had to take her grandmother to, she said, no the bitch just fell over and my mom’s too lazy to get her,” Quasarman told the listeners. While Larue, who’s from Orange County, was getting to the studio, Quasarman killed some time by lobbing a call into Gauge for some gossip. Gauge said she was in Illinois on her way to dance at the Larry Flynt Hustler Club in the St. Louis area. Asked if her tattooed boyfriend Jason acted as intimidation factor at the clubs, Gauge said no.

“But people try to jew me down all the time on my prices and merchandise.” Other than describing Illinois as “flat and boring,” she said things were going great and that she’d be back Tuesday evening with a promise to do next Friday’s show. Quasarman suspected otherwise. “No, I’m not lying,” she said. “I’m going to be there next Friday. It’s just that I have every other week scheduled for dancing.”

As Larue arrived at the studio, she announced that she wasn’t wearing any panties. Then she got into the story about her mother. Larue explained it wasn’t her grandmother who fell down. “My mom fell down and my grandmother’s too old to pick up my mom’s big fat ass.” Larue said she had to enlist a neighbor to help pick up her mother’s ass.

Quasarman was curious whether the lifting job entailed a backhoe or other appliances. “She’s in bed,” Larue explained. “She’s not okay. She just had knee surgery done on both knees. She was like, help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up, like the commercial.” In plain terms, Larue described her mother as a heifer and said she tends to take more after her grandmother who’s tiny.

Larue’s been in the business about five years. “I love it; I like to get fucked and I like the camera and I think the camera loves me.” Quasarman noted that if the camera didn’t, it wouldn’t return her e-mails.

When asked if she was so inclined, Larue responded by saying that she enjoys “wacky” multi-object circus tricks including d.p.s. Larue said she always knew there was something a little bit different about her. “For awhile there I was a professional student. I did a job but something was missing here.” Quasarman guessed it was the anal sex that was missing.

Larue said she was always interested in it but was too scared. “I actually did my first anal ever on camera. And my stepsister was in the room saying yippee kay yay motherfucker.” Quasarman wanted to know if her stepsister was Bruce Willis. “That’s an amazing thing to find out about you.”

Larue said her stepsister was her manager when she first got into the business. “She is how I got in. The last thing I heard she got married and moved to Vegas.” Quasarman assumed she didn’t have a lot of contact with her. “She’s a fuckin’ cunt,” said Frankie.

The business has been very lucrative for her, she went on to say, noting that she quit for awhile. “It was the whole thing- boyfriends. I was young and dumb.”

Asked her about her projects, Larue said she had so many of them. “Can we talk about at least one of them.” Quasarman responded. “I’m just trying to kill time, here.” Frankie said she was planning on getting her own line set up. Quasarman wanted to be sure she wasn’t talking about a narcotic. “A lot of girls in the business have their own lines but they’re usually spread out on a table.”

Frankie said the line would entail hardcore penetration. “It’s all going to be gangbang-stuff.” Quasarman suggested calling it Frankie Panky but generated little in the way of enthusiasm from her. Larue said she thought about calling it Frankie Larue Raw. “Frankie Panky would be like some type of girl-type shit,” Larue said. “Simulation- that’s, like, too soft. I’m rough and ready.”

Quasarman wanted to know what would set her video apart from the run-of-the-mill gaping anus flick. “For one, since it was me doing all the directing, I would only pick little, tiny, innocent girls that had no clue what they were getting themselves into.”

Quasarman felt that manipulation and exploitation were two of the finest qualities you could embrace in the adult industry. Frankie said she wanted every single moan and every single scream to be real.

“Right, and presumably every cry for help and for the love of God, please dial 9-1-1, you want those to be accurate as well,” Quasarman agreed. Larue suggested she might use a gag. Larue said she’s still working on her financial backing. Asked if she would be casting from an agency or milk cartons, Larue said milk cartons might be the way to go.

Someone in the chatroom wanted to know about Larue’s nationalities. “Do you want the long or the short version?” she asked. Quasarman suggested telling the version that would kill the rest of the show. “Puerto Rican, Creole, Blackfoot, German, Swedish, Northern/Southern Irish…” At that divided ethnicity Quasarman asked Larue if she ever had the urge to beat herself up in a pub.

Larue said her father calls her a Heinz 57, meaning 57 varieties, but Quasarman took him to mean a steak sauce. “I don’t make the connection,” he said. Asked if she had any interest in politics, Larue said, “Politics suck. Fuck politics.” Larue said she was a Republican on a Democrat budget. “So you’re for limited government but you’re on welfare, is that what you’re saying?” he asked her.

It was noted that Frankie was twirling her lasso, and she mentioned the last time she was on the show she threw a noose around KSEX intern Dahmer while he was eating a sandwich.

Quasarman said he had fears of anything cowboy-related. “Two things frighten me – one of them is cowboys, the other is clowns. I can’t even go near a Chuck E, Cheese. There’s clowns and cowboys and stuff in there.” Frankie begged to differ, stating there were no clowns at Chuck E. Cheese and wanted to know if she could fuck Quasarman in the ass. Quasarman begged off and Larue called him a pussy. “I’m actually really a very tough guy,” he explained. “But years ago I spent about $8,000 in cosmetic dentistry and now I’m terribly afraid of getting hit in the face.”

Larue, who was taught the cowboy way, started learning a couple of years ago about how to use a lasso. “Was there some sort of correspondence course, rope college, what happened there?” Quasarman asked her. Larue, who grew up in the Inland Empire, explained that she was always interested in the cowboy lifestyle. “My mom used to take me to the arena when I was a little girl.” Quasarman agreed: “When you think of the Inland Empire, you think John Wayne.”

Larue said she had also been engaged to a cowboy at one time. “He was a very good roper. He was a professional roper.” Quasarman asked Larue if she liked Three’s Company. “Cause there was Mr. Roper and there was a spinoff, The Ropers.”

Larue explained that one day she got caught with a rope in her hand and her fiance told her, “If you’re gonna fuckin’ do it, let me show you how to do it right. That was all to it. I started learning how with a big-ass fuckin’ set of horns that were stabbed into a big-ass bail of hay.” Larue was asked if she felt qualified to rob a stagecoach, that Quasarman never met anyone who was that good with a rope. He also noticed that Larue’s rope appeared to be a school girl’s skipping rope and wondered if it were sanctioned by the International Rope Body.

“Home Depot, Frankie replied.