from www.horroryearbook.com

THE WHORES HAVE EYES (2009)

Directed by Stuart Canterbury
Starring: Britney Amber, Eric Swis, Chris Cannon, Ryder Skye, Kenzi Marie, Marcus London, Claudia Valentine, Tricia Oaks, Aiden Starr, Alan Stafford, Lilly Kingston, Roma (Do porn starlets pick out their names by going to Chuck E. Cheese’s and listen to parents yelling at their daughters?)

I’m reviewing porn movies on the internet, boy my parents are gonna be so proud (especially with my third DUI I got 2 weeks ago. Hey that’s where I’ve been). This is actually my second pornographic feature that I’m doing on here, but the first was ANOTHER NIGHT IN CHINA which is more of a horror movie (and my pick for “Scariest Movie of 2009″), so that shouldn’t really count.

You might be asking what my creditials are to be reviewing this smut on this horror movie website. Well I’ve have met Ron Jeremy 3 Times and it is a parody of THE HILLS HAVE EYES and since I look like Mini Michael Berryman. So here we go.

THE WHORES HAVE EYES is a pretty decent porn parody of the Wes Craven classic or the Wes Craven cashing in pretty good remake (which one it’s taking after is beyond me). It does follow the storyline of a family in a Winnebago who get stuck in a desert, then soon after get attack by strange mutant desert dwellers.

The main difference between HILLS and WHORES is the mutant desert dwellers. In THE HILLS HAVE EYES is the mutant desert dwellers are savage blood thirsty beings who torment and kill their captures. In THE WHORES HAVE EYES the mutant desert dwellers are female porn stars who are made up to look like extras in a Scandal video who have sex with all family members.

Far be it for me to nitpick a porn flick. I mean it does serve it’s purpose. All the chicks are hot and their plenty to whack too. But in terms of accurately representing the world of THE HILLS HAVE EYES it comes up incredibly short.

I will give them credit for renting the winebago, but that’s about it. In the opening, when the family drives up to the gas station (much like the film it’s taking after), it’s obvious that it’s just some body’s house that happens to be in the desert.

The gas pump doesn’t even have a hose. Also, the actor who plays the father (Marcus London) of the doomed (or soon to be fucked) clan is British and there’s no real explanation how the rest of the family speaks without an accent.

The mutant whores never are scary just stupidly made up to look like residents of the Thunderdome, yet still pretty smoking hot so I can’t protest too much. I just think it’ll fit the parody category of the horror classic better if their were some male mutants (or man whores) who are more sinister looking to plow the chicks of the family. Plus, the film missed out on a golden opportunity when the desert mutants get inside the winebago. They should of had the mutant grab the parakeet and use it as a dildo.

On to the erotic side of nitpicking (and you might want to skip this paragraph cause it is extremely graphic). The sex scenes are good as porn sex scenes go, but something has been bothering me recently when it comes to porn sex scenes. It has to deal with the money shot. Now it maybe just me, I mean we all have our particular tastes when it comes to the pornographic arts), but isn’t time to stop showing the male porn star pulling his pud for thirty seconds before turning the actresses face into the results of a tapioca pudding explosion from his wang dang doodle.

I mean it’s sort of like going on a super cool roller coaster and demanding that the coaster stops so you can walk down the tallest hill. I mean it’s insulting for a guy to beat his bishop on camera instead of doing the hottie in front of him to the audience of the porno flick because THAT’S WHAT THE MAJORITY OF THE AUDIENCE OF THE PORNO FLICK IS ALREADY DOING!

Well not me cause I got my integrity.

Anyway that’s my take on it. Not bad just not great (It’s no TEXAS DILDO MASQUERADE which is still my favorite porn parody). 2 out of four stars or boners or what have you. I do wish though that they make a sequel to THE WHORES HAVE EYES. Mainly because I hope they include a dog flashback.

Keep it sleazy!