Porn Valley- As comedy goes, Lenny and Phil from Astrux Entertainment are not as peppery on delivery as Skeeter Kerkove, www.bkmax.com and Jim Powers are. So when I go onto an Astrux shoot, I know the one-liners are going to be at a premium and pretty much my own device. Which is okay.

And which is not to say that Lenny and Phil aren’t nice guys which they are. It’s just that if Lenny ever cracked a joke, you’d be reading about a Southern Baptist ascending the papacy. And if Phil got hilarious, gas would be back to under two bucks.

Lenny, who treats some of this shit real serious like, explains that Metro is looking for a new big tit series to be a part of its Loaded Line and today was the day for unloading the D-cups, though Lenny’s telling me the title has yet to be agreed upon. Maybe next week he’s saying.

But I liked what I saw. And what I saw during the boxcover shoot was Rita Faltiano and Eva Angelina dueling with their big titties. I’ve heard little about her, but Lenny tells me that Faltiano is a big name over in Europe. So big that she commands something like $1800 for an anal scene and $1500 for a boy-girl. Before I’m introduced to her, I ask Lenny if Faltiano speaks English. “She better speak English for the money we’re paying her,” he states dryly. Okay, that’s pretty funny. Lenny says Antony Hardwood, another Hungarian performer who’s also in the cast, recommended Faltiano.

Faltiano has an exotic look. In fact, I’m comparing her, facially, to Veronica Caine in my conversation with someone I don’t remember. And Faltiano’s got an exceptional body. But Faltiano, from Hungary, is also kind of distanced and comes off with that Euro you talkin’ to me vibe. First impressions and all that. I’m also hearing that Faltiano is Tommy Gunn’s squeeze, and who should know but Eva Angelina who’s roommates with Tommy Gunn.

Angelina, who definitely speaks English and has streams of red, black and brown hair to go with that fact, is a constant source of amusement. She also has the eyeglasses gimmick going for her. Everyone likes the eyeglasses. And you’ll get no argument from Alex Sanders on that one, Alex telling me that he’s turned on by the schoolmarm shtick, that he’s all about intelligent, sexy women now. Sanders and I are talking about the film, Sin City and share similar views about Jessica Alba. Sanders definitely sees the comparison to Kascha, Sanders saying that Kascha was like this big wet dream to him. Sanders tells me he was also on the set but not in an acting capacity the weekend when Kascha attempted a two-movie comeback for CDi. Kascha, maybe 50 pounds heavier at the time, was virtually unrecognizable from the blond heartthrob in the Hawaii Vice series.

Alex, studying the latest Playboy, is muttering under his breath, God, what a nice ass. He’s also busting my balls. Alex says I quoted him once as saying that Chasey Lain was an average looking brunette at best. Not that it was an incorrect quote, but Sanders remembers the fallout over the comment, that he was banned from any set Lain was on and from working with her. The circumstances at the time were that Lain chose to work with Tom Byron over Sanders, Lain thinking that Byron was more high profile. Miffed, Sanders wanted to see what Lain was all about to make such a decision. And Sanders didn’t think Lain was anything to crow about, either. “It was my introduction to the catty world of porn chicks,” says Sanders.

I’ve always been dying to ask Sanders if he chose his name after the Alex Sanders who was called King of the Witches. Sanders says no, that it’s just a variation of his real name. Sanders is scheduled to work with Faltiano but tells Lenny he’s got to be out of there to make a meeting in Chatsworth at 5pm and that his dick is ready to go. Sanders is also telling me that he’s been getting calls to do a lot of vaginal scenes lately, and his scene with Faltiano is one, Sanders stating that he basically prefers anal.

Time is a similar dilemma for Vanessa Lane. Lane, whose stock-in-trade is applying gymnastic splits during her sex scenes, is getting nervous as 2:30 rolls around, says in a panic that she’s got to be in San Diego at 5pm. Something about having to pay a $300 cancellation fee to a dentist, a dentist to whom she’s already forked over $30,000 in cash for work.

Alex Rox, who worked with Lane, is saying how Lane kept whispering to him in their scene how she had to be out of there, that she had to be out of there. During an interview earlier in the day with Lane I suggest that she reminds me of Elizabeth Hurley. Lane asks me if Hurley’s in the porn business.

Alex Rox is describing how he’ll work with a girl brand new to the business and in six months discover her vagina and asshole stretched in ways you wouldn’t imagine. Rox, himself, is Hungarian but has never worked in Europe. He mentions this when asked if Faltiano is the commodity over there that everyone says. He doesn’t know, quite frankly. Angelina is having a phone conversation with someone and signs off by saying love ya. Rox comments to her: “You love a lot of men.”

“That was my father,” Angelina tells Rox, laughing. Angelina mentions that she’s now dating Ben English from LA Direct although she’s repped by Exotic Star Models. Angelina observes that Rox is wearing his hair longer. “It’s my little gay boy look,” Rox replies. On the subject of hair, Ron, the photographer, remembers being on a Roy Karch shoot in which Vanessa Lane was wearing her hair shorter. But the thought that struck him was Lane saying at the time that she was looking for someone to design a website, that price was no object since her sugar daddy was footing the bill.

Al, the owner of the house, which is being used for the first time for porn, picks up on Angelina’s comments about boyfriends, and starts asking Eva questions in his Fred Gwynne voice about her love life. Angelina’s saying how her last boyfriend had been in the porn business, quit and wanted her to do the same. It became an issue. Angelina’s take on the business is that it’s all for show, anyway. That being said, Al, who mentions earlier that his ex-wife had these huge knockers, is asking Angelina how she makes the distinction off camera. Angelina replies that she and English don’t have sex very often because of their schedules but that it’s appreciative when it happens. “He’ll hold me in ways that he wouldn’t hold another woman,” Angelina is saying.

Angelina observes that English is very consumed with his work and that’s the way she likes it, in essence, having a boyfriend who isn’t a bum. In an aside, Angelina mentions that she’s worked with Jack Napier, that looking at Napier you wouldn’t imagine he had this big dick. Angelina’s also not too keen on anal mentioning how one time she did it, she became nauseous. Angelina also remembers doing a scene with Manuel Ferrara in which Ferrara came five times. Angelina’s complimented on her tan and says she’s Cuban-Chinese.

Lenny’s asking where’s the behind the scenes camera when you need it, which is funny because Lenny’s supposedly the guy doing it. Lenny’s also mentioning that Taylor Rain was on Playboy’s Night Calls last Friday. According to Lenny, it was the first time in Playboy’s history that it aired a live blow job. Rain does promotions for Astrux as the opportunity presents itself, Lenny further explains, although Rain’s in no exclusive capacity with the company. Lenny’s saying that his movie Up in The Club L.A. also got some on air promo on Nightcalls as well. A Las Vegas version is ready to be turned into Metro this week, Lenny telling me about a scene featuring a Lamborghini and a suction dildo protuding from the car door. Figure out the rest. Lenny also tells me about an upcoming Howard Stern promotion with porn chicks in July to hype The Miss Howard Stern movie.

But for now, there’s talk about shooting Eva Angelina’s scene in a room devoted to slot machines- five of them- and miniature cars. Al’s a classical car buff, and he’s amused by an earlier episode in which Lane attempted to bargain a blowjob for his T-Bird. Al’s joking with her that she’s going to have to do a lot better than that, the car being worth something like $50,000. But from the way he talks, Al wouldn’t mind having fun, fun, fun until someone takes Lane’s T-Bird away.

Al’s got a nice place in Woodland Hills which features sunny rooms and great outdoor vistas, and Al chats with Trina Michaels who’s in the day’s first scene with a male performer who’s only identified as Richard. Richard has a big dick and is built along the lines of Scott Lyons- very slender but with an outrageous tumescence. Michaels, whose breasts follow along a similar description, is a very pretty blond, and Al thinks she’s a classy lady, nice, sweet, polite.

Which is pretty much the same that could be said for Cherokee. Cherokee arrives, lugging her suitcase- and there’s a very obvious sheen about her. Not so much that she’s sweating from the effort, but Cherokee explains that she was dancing in Portland, Maine over the weekend and that the stage was brutal in the sense that she acquired all these bruises. Cherokee says she had to put on this spray shit to cover them.

But I didn’t think to ask if she has a dental appointment for later in the day.