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Nina Hartley Does Stand Up

posted on LOS ANGELES – on June 22 saw the comic debut of adult actress Nina Hartley, who quipped, upon taking the stage at the El Cid Restaurant in Elysian Park, “It’s difficult for me to be here because normally when I have a microphone, I’m normally naked and I’ve just done a whole bunch of sexy moves. And so all these other women have been up here showing off their beautiful bodies, and I’m trying something completely new, which is being entertaining with my clothes on.”

The occasion was part of a monthly talent showcase put together by comedienne Margaret Cho called “The Sensuous Woman” – although some were “women” by inclination only. For example, there was Kelly, a transgender whose music video had been shown the previous month, but who this night performed live two of her more hilarious works, “Shoes” and “Can I Borrow Your Top?”

More than 150 people were jammed into the El Cid’s tiny theater, most sitting at long tables, with waiters bustling through the aisles delivering food and drink while the show was going on.

In her opening skit, Cho had complained about how she was tired of cock; that she’d had so much of it hitting the back of her throat that she’d had to have it re-upholstered. Hartley challenged Cho as to who’d gobbled the most cock in her lifetime, with Hartley trying to do the math of “12 inches per stroke at about 60 strokes per minute, times two minutes to 20 minutes to 30 minutes till he’s done … divide that by 5,280 to figure out how many miles of dick you suck in a session, times 22 years, 550 movies and a whole lot of great parties. I have sucked enough dick to go to the moon and back.”

Hartley also explained how difficult it is for men to break into the porn movie business.

“Here’s what you need to know before making a porn movie if you’re a guy,” Hartley said. “If you’re going to be a porn stud, you have to get it up hot and cold, early or late, hungry, tired, car in the shop, girlfriend left you, rent overdue, cat ran away, phone turned off, in the back seat of a car, on a staircase, in a cold hot tub, on a sandy beach, a marble floor, a piano, and if you’re really lucky, you get a shag carpet somewhere in The Valley, or maybe a bed. But wait, wait, wait: There’s a hot light burning your balls, and there’s a guy saying, ‘Move your scrotum; we can’t see the action.’ … Wait; the girl is pretty – no, she’s ugly. She’s helpful; no, she’s really a bitch. She’s talking on the phone. Oh, she has a cold; she’s sniffling. She doesn’t give very good head; she isn’t being very friendly – and you have to wear a condom! So I’m taking applications after the show, and if you think you can handle that, then I’ll think about managing you.”

The audience responded by applauding wildly, and we suspect that Hartley may be thinking of breaking into another area of show biz.


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