Porn Valley- Call the Boston Gardens. Two of their balls are missing.

Kat Kleevage, as the name suggests, certainly has that in abundance. But Kleevage rarely gets credit for the equally thrilling contours of her backside.

Kleevage, whose hair is a sun bleached gold, lifts up her dress and shows me her ass. It’s a good ass, firm and honest. Obviously Kat works out. And, right now, holy Oprah Winfrey, her ass is the color of a smoked rib. That’s because Kleevage had been vacationing- obviously in the raw for her lack of tan lines- at Hedonism II which was the advertised Gina DePalma vacation package.

Kleevage is telling me about this player from the Oakland Raiders she met down there – apparently just traded from the Super Bowl New York Giants, [and I would be committing suicide right about now if I were this guy].

The football player’s also on vacation, expecting this one porn chick. Only she never shows. But he sizes Kat up and tells her, “you’ll do.” And Kleevage is saying to herself, yeah, you’ll pay me. Only he never pays, and Kleevage never gives it up. Which is what she says.

So by the end of the trip he’s eating his meals, mechanically, like a guy doing life and staring Kleevage down cold and hard. Which is what she says.

“But he was on it,” she laughs. “He was intent on getting some pussy. But he scared me. He had this flaring nose. He also said it was good no one knows me here. I told him, dude, I fucked way more famous guys than you.”

Then she tells me her Pete Rose story by way of example of more famous. They met on a plane when she was going back to Vegas from Ft. Lauderdale. It sounded like Rose was occupying her seat in first class and that’s how the conversation started.

“He sucked my toes in first class,” Kat is laughing. “Then we fucked in Vegas.”

From the way she talks they had more than a casual one-night stand.

“He called me Slurpie,” she recalls. “He said he was going to put me in his book but didn’t.”

Asked how she would rate him, Kleevage says, “Average in size but aggressive in fuck.”

Kat says the funny thing about all this is when another girl on “the circuit” fucks the same guy and they start comparing notes.

Kleevage just went on a beer run for Lynn LeMay and is telling me how her sun dress flew up at a gas station, and I guess somebody got a free show. Kleevage wasn’t wearing panties so what did she expect, I wonder.

LeMay just moved to the Valley recently. It’s something like 115 degrees Saturday afternoon. There’s just one billowy cloud off in the distance of a hazy, blue-gray sky. And I’m thinking, Lynn, weren’t you living right off the beach and the cool breezes in Santa Monica?

But Eddie Garcia, LeMay’s boyfriend who does all the photography and shooting for LeMayzing Pictures, is saying, yeah, but look at all the money we’re saving on travelling back and forth. Granted, it’s a nice neighborhood, but this is not Santa Monica.

“This is supposed to be a shoot house but we haven’t gotten around to advertising yet,” LeMay explains.

Hard to believe, but LeMay is also keeping out of the gossip line of fire these days. Her verbal brass knuckle to-do with Bud Lee played out on Adultfyi recently gave her a swift headache, but she did hear from Hyapatia, Bud’s ex, wondering what Lynn could have been thinking to have gotten involved with Bud. It’s Lynn’s opinion that Bud, who was her general manager, screwed up a lot of the camera work and that’s what really put the issue to bed.

LeMay pours me a Lemon Drop made with fresh lemons from a tree in her backyard.

“I will never be a bad hostess,” she smiles. I challenge her on that remark and ask what happened to the party that was going to celebrate her 20th anniversary in the business.

LeMay states that she gave the job to a couple of party planners, and from the way she talks, they couldn’t plan a head cold in 20 degree weather. So she didn’t have the party with the risk of possible embarrassment.

LeMay pours me another Lemon Drop, then another from a red Sardo’s suck bottle. She pours me a lot of Lemon Drops as the afternoon wears on, and Kat’s getting ready to do a scene in the kitchen with Marcus London. Kat’s lighting up a Cigarillo.

“Marcus is a diva- like me,” Kat’s laughing.

The plot of this little vignette is that Kat’s a “bimbo” stewardess on layover, and Marcus is a pilot looking for an available cock pit.

LeMay’s cell phone rings

“Psycho stalker!” yells Kat.

It’s not a psycho stalker. It’s Marcus saying he’ll be there in a minute, and LeMay’s telling Kat how she wants her to fuck Marcus on a butcher block table.

“I got it at a yard sale for $20,” LeMay explains. Her directions for the scene are to the point, like an Asian hooker: “Here, bang-bang-bang; there, lick-lick-lick and over here, fuck-fuck-fuck.”

LeMay’s got a bumper sticker on her refrigerator that also states, “I Love My Big Fake Boobs.” LeMay is saying she’ll also love two sex positions and a good oral pop from this scene.

Kat’s now bathed in pearls and pink. She’s commenting how all of Bud Lee’s stories about her doing drugs are horseshit.

“I’m not smart enough to get high and take directions,” Kleevage laughs.

Marcus London has brought is own pilot’s uniform. He explains that he wore this in another movie titled Layover and that he’s been working a lot for Penthouse- directing and writing and has something like 8 projects for them coming up in the next few months. But I didn’t think it was a good time to bring up Penthouse’s lawsuit.

I don’t hear the entire story, but Marcus is telling LeMay about some scene he was in where Nina Hartley is playing the queen of England when someone pulls her dress down, and Hartley’s got a big gray bush. Actually, it sounds more like the old Charlton Heston movie, Gray Lady Down.

“Look how handsome Marcus looks- he’s so gorgeous,” Kat is saying. LeMay agrees.

London has these rippling abs and muscles that, no doubt will surrender one day to age, alcohol and Mexican food. But that’s not today.

Marcus, who has that chip-chip, cheerio, pip-pip British accent, is also doing a porn take on The Graduate, and he’s looking for just the right MILF to play the Mrs. Robinson character.

“It’s going to be tough, I know,” he says about that search, noting that it’s going to be the sound track that will make the project.

“Get his balls in your face, Kat!” yells LeMay once the scene progresses to the point where clothes are but a distant, happy memory.

“You’ve undressed pilots before,” Marcus concludes in his on screen chatter with Kat who’s worshipping his gym rat torso. Marcus then envelops the thick, tattooed arms of a Tasmanian war chief around the bulbous ass of Kat Kleevage. Pete Rose knows. He’s been there.

“I just want to hear that English accent- it makes my pussy wet,” Kat’s moaning which I’m 100% certain she never moaned in Pete’s ear. Kat and Marcus are somewhere on the counter top heading for butcher block table territory.

“Just get that English cock in my pussy and fuck it!” she commands in a voice as though she were calling balls and strikes on Charlie Hustle.

Rose’s life time number of hits is 4,256. But you got to figure that doesn’t include the number of times he got on base with Kat Kleevage.