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Pirates 2: This Non- Suck Up Review Gives you a Much Different Impression; “Atrocious Acting”

[] As my roommates and I sat down to screen this much-anticipated adult film we were riveted from the beginning with expectation of non-stop, raunchy, uncensored sex. However, the opening scene sets the tone for a much different kind of movie.

A ship, made by less-than-convincing graphics, cuts through stormy seas chased by another equally unrealistic ship crewed by pirates. The following moments desperately try to set up a plot, which, in this film, seems almost as unnecessary as acting talent. We gain our first glimpse of a female and interest is rekindled despite her abundance of clothing. The first scene comes to a close with no sex, no nudity and a disheartened audience.

As the second scene starts we see two men, one the pirate hunter Captain Edward Reynolds (Evan Stone) and the other his butler Oxford (Frank Bukkwyd), and hopes are once again dashed most expertly. They talk about the crew and proceed to introduce the characters and back-story. We can see that Edward has an enormously big ego and a dreadful misconception of his own abilities as a pirate hunter. Jules Steel (Jesse Jane) and Olivia (Belladonna) are two members of his crew, which has just defeated the most vicious pirate on the seas. However, a friend who turned on this dreaded pirate Stagnetti to help the Captain defeat him, Serena (Sasha Gray), is wanted for her past piracy.

As you can imagine, my roommates and I are beginning to get depressed…until their conversation turns to the ship’s masseuse. Why a masseuse is on a pirate ship still escapes us, but our question is forgotten with the ensuing action. In a scene that is thrust into the movie harder even than the actor himself can manage to thrust into his costar, we get our first moment of true delight…and tits. We are reminded, after far too long, that we are indeed watching porn and not an actual, horrible, “Pirates of the Caribbean” parody. At this moment, and throughout the rest of the movie, we cease to care that the scene makes no sense for the purposes of the plot-who needs a plot nowadays anyway?

After this first, unexplained episode of copulation we almost immediately get another dose of plot-spurning sex. This scene does, however, introduce us to Governor “Devil Dick Willy” Lyttelton (Ben English). He informs the captain and Jules that the only way Serena will get pardoned is to take back the blue pearl from the pirate captain Xifeng (Katsuni). Xifeng plans to use the blue pearl to bring Stagnetti back from Davey Jones locker. The movie progresses as every character gets their fill of both action and sex. Stagnetti is brought back to life and attempts to begin his reign of terror again. However, Captain Reynolds finally lives up to his big talk and is able to defeat the villain. Then there is more sex.

As the sex scenes get better and more frequent, the plot and acting follow an inverse path. What had originally started out as a bad pirate movie with interspersed sex scenes had transformed into a full-fledged porno with pirates. The writing, which had originally tried to progress the plot, forsook that tactic in lieu of excessive innuendos, including “Women must be clawing at your hull to get aboard your massive vessel,” and the libido-dashing “You are an inadequate swordsman.” The acting quality makes for a nigh-comical cinematic experience.

Horrible Asian accents and fighting sequences that would leave pro wrestlers shaking their heads are the cornerstones of the most expensive adult film ever made. However, before you let this deter you from giving this skin flick a gander, ask yourself the following question: Does it really ****ing matter?

The carefully selected cast does not disappoint. Jesse Jane and her fellow vixens, though unconvincing pirates, are sexy and skilled in their trade of choice. These pirate babes know how to get the job done. Their enhanced features only add to their captivating performances, and we couldn’t help but wonder whether fake boobs counted towards the movie’s espoused 600+ special effects. Either way, these kinky girls will stop at nothing to please their masters, shipmates and even enemies. Lady viewers fear not; the male actors in this film showed the ability to deftly wield their mighty swords with the dexterity of some sort of penis-ninja.

Make no mistake; the sex in this film leaves nothing to be desired (and even less to the imagination). Each scene had us reaching for our BHT (Boner Hiding Technology). The multitude of sex scenes is complete with the full spectrum of sexual styles and positions. From the memorable hardcore lesbian scene in which Jules shows her dominance over Olivia to any of the movie’s massive orgies, sex is by no means lacking. Reynolds is pleasured many times on his quest to find Xifeng and Stagnetti by his beautiful slave girl and shipmates and once victorious over his enemies he is rewarded by Olivia and Serena with a culminating sex scene that ends the movie on an explosive note.

Despite the atrocious acting and aborted attempt to create a reasonable plot, this film does exactly what it intends to do. The numerous adult scenes are guaranteed to sate the sexual appetite of the viewer. For every failing of the film in the writing department, there is compensation in the form of a beautiful woman getting railed.


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