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Quasarman Celebrates His Natals-update

Porn Valley- Like Robert Lombard, Quasarman celebrates a birthday today. Amusingly, Quasarman served up his on epitaph of sorts in May.

Sensing imminent danger at the ham fists of Rob Spallone during the great porn debate that was to follow that evening on KSEX, , Quasarman on his Distorted Reality Show traveled down nostalgia lane with a 10 year career retrospective. Fueled by Baja Bob’s lo-cal Margarita mixers, and with Carly Milne serving as an instigating co-host, Quasarman stated at the time that it could very well be his last show. A false alarm to be certainly sure, but may we summon a few of those golden reminiscences.

Armed with a stellar resume that’s noted for its one-liners, Quasarman said his greatest accomplishment in the business so far has been receiving the AVN best title of the month for Mighty Hermaphrodite around 1995. “Everything else pales to that,” he said. In 1989 Quasarman was one of five hopeful Canadians who jumped in a van and drove west in search of fame and fortune. Quasarman was with a band, Say Uncle at the time and he was the drummer.

“You had a chance meeting with Trinity Loren which led to a non-van residence and jobs on porn sets,” Milne recounted in This Is Your Life mode. Quasarman noted that owner of DVSX Alex Ladd was working at the time as a bus boy in a Toronto strip club. “A wayward porn star came through and they struck up a conversation. She said to Alex if you ever want to move to California, here’s my number, give me a call.” By coincidence the band was planning that very move, according to Quasarman. Quasarman said he hated watching the competition on MTV and felt he could do much better.

On another salient issue, Milne wanted to know how big Quasarman’s hair was at the time. “At the time of moving here, it was on its way down,” Quasarman said. “In the mid ’80’s the hair was enormous. By the end of the ’80s I was starting to mature a little as they say musically. By the time I reached L.A. I had given up on hairspray.” Upon arriving at L.A., with scant material possessions, the band found accommodations by parking on a beach.

“One day being bored we wandered Hollywood Blvd. Alex, myself and the rest of the band- Alex was a friend who came along- we went into a porn store. The first time I had actually seen porn was that day. Wouldn’t you know it the first quarter we put in the jack booth is Trinity Loren.” Quasarman said he motioned to Ladd that it was the big-titted broad who told them to look her up. “Ran to a pay phone, called her. She said come on over. We went to her house. She was then married to cameraman extraordinaire Barry Wood who couldn’t have been nicer.”

Quasarman said Wood urged them to forsake the van and come live with them. “We moved into their small, two bedroom Van Nuys house and we thought this guy was like a saint. He’s puttin us all up and didn’t know us from Adam. Shortly after that he put us to work remodeling his home but that’s neither here nor there. It was nice to have a place to shower even if we were sanding hardwood at 4am.” Quasarman said that incident led to his first porn-related job. “Trinity being an active actress at the time I got a job helping Ron Vogel move plants at his old studio on Lassen Blvd. It paid $60. And I’m thinking I’m going to go to a porn studio to see some boob. I saw nothing but a gristly old man who enjoyed basketball telling me to move this plant over there.”

Milne said this is a part of the industry that people don’t understand. “They don’t see the old man and the plant moving.” Quasarman hastened to point out the fact that it’s true unless they purchase something featuring Dave Cummings. “I’m kidding. He’s an old man and there’s no plant in his videos.”

In 1990, besides working on porn sets Quasarman got a job woking for a heroin-addicted paralegal on Hollywood Blvd. “You need to marry a psycho from Brooklyn in order to gain your citizenship,” Milne noted. Noting that moving plants for an old man were jobs few and far between, Quasarman said that year he also got a job handing out towels to mutants on an Anthony Spinelli set. “It was kind of okay. I just remember Steve Drake being one of them but I don’t remember anyone beyond that.” Quasarman said all he wanted to do was look at some boobs but had been denied in his quest to that point. “I saw nothing. I saw sticky laundry.”

The porn gigs weren’t frequent enough to make it his only source of income, so Quasarman took a job with the paralegal who ran an organization called Renters’ Rights. “He helped deadbeats who couldn’ty pay their rent to stay in their apartment by filing frivolous lawsuits.” Quasarman said he had to learn the various stall tactics that would keep he deadbeat one step ahead of the law. “This was something I had to learn because this man was coherent only one hour out of the day. What other country could a man with absolutely no background skill or training come and dispense legal advice to people unable to pay rent? Where could that happen but here?”

To get back to the story about the woman he married for a green card, Quasarman said she possibly had the greatest buttocks on the face of the earth. “Because she was one-quarter African-American. I stayed with her longer than I would have just based on the buttocks. Because everything else about her was reprehensible.”

But Quasaman said what attracted him to her initially was her breasts. “She was wearing a low cut top with cleavage exposed and she seemed fairly witty. More importantly she was willing to marry me.” Quasarman said after they became intimate the first time he witnessed her buttocks first hand. “I must say I was very impressed. You don’t appreciate an award-winning buttocks until you’ve seem the right before you and they’re available to you. I see great butts, award-winning butts all the time in front of the camera. But I don’t get a chance to actually dabble. My wife has a fine buttocks but it isn’t grade A top sirloin.”

Milne suggested that when it comes to his wife, Quasarman’s wife has the best of everything. “This is something you need to know.” Quasarman said thank God she wasn’t listening to the broadcast. Milne predicted that it would get written up on the Internet and she’ll read it somewhere. Quasarman then took his remarks back. “She has the best fucking ass I’ve ever seen. Dear God I’m thinking about it as we speak. Boy oh boy, I’ll bounce quarters off that thing all day.”

In an attempt to speed up his biog, Quasarman said you could represent the years 1993 to 2001 by summoning the word Bacardi.

With Quasarman’s rock band starting to gather notice, he eventually quit the heroin-addicted paralegal to work in a tanning salon. Quasarman said Barry Wood actually got him that job. “At the time Barry Wood was not cameraman extraordinaire. He was just a guy that cut hair across the street. He went from being a hairdresser to a stage manager to a lighting director to being a cameraman. And he’s still doing it today despite the fact that I believe he’s now 106. But he was probably one of the best there is.”

Quasarman said working at the tanning salon was great. “Broads are just coming in and out- a very exciting time for me. And there I am with my long hair and my almost homosexual boots. I have rings on every finger and I would say that that was the one period where I actually met a lot of females. Not that I was able to do anything because I was still married to the psycho.” Quasarman said it was at this time that he met Scott Ian from Anthrax. “But this man never tanned- he’s too fuckin’ bad assed to tan, but his girlfriend did. He brought her in. She would tan and he would sit on the sofa and I would talk to him about how cool I thought Anthrax was.”

It was about this time that Quasarman’s band started getting interest from RCA records. “It didn’t matter because as you get to 1993 you’ll see why.” In 1992 the band was in full force, according to Milne and porn stars began showing up at the various club venues.

“When you’re in a band, club owners know that porn chicks are going to come,” Quasarman said. “And they know a ton of fucking guys are going to come, too. It was very good when we started to get visited by the likes of Debi Diamond and Chase Manhattan.” On the other hand, the marriage disintegrated. Quasarman said his then-wife tried breaking his legs with a guitar. “It would have hurt if it connected.” It was then that Quasarman started a full time gig writing scripts and managing production for Las Vegas Video. When the regular cameraman did not show up, he was also given the chance to step in. Quasarman pointed out how that was evidence that porn adheres to high standards.

“There I was a lowly minion with a script in my hand and a phone in the other. That’s where my career as a cameraman began.” Then in a story that’s often told around campfires, Quasarman went on to write a script about leprosy. “That was for the father of Rob Spallone- the man who may be assaulting me tonight.” Quasarman said it was Joe Spallone who gave him his first real break in the business.

Milne, despite Quasaman’s protests, then urged him to tell the Scott Baio story. Quasarman said Rob Spallone brought Baio to the set. “He met him and Beverly D’Angelo at some restaurant in Sherman Oaks.” According to Quasarman, Baio asked him what it takes to get a script made into a movie. “I said it takes nothing. It takes me to go home and write out seven pages of tripe and then bring it in and we’ll shoot it. I could write a movie about leprosy and can shoot it next week. He said no way. I said, way. And I believe we made a gentleman’s bet of five dollars and I indeed went home and wrote a script about a man who was dying of leprosy and had to have sex before his penis fell off. It was called Soap Opera Sluts for Gourmet Video.”

Then due to lack of record company interest, Quasarman’s band played its final show in December, 1993. “Even though we were a pretty heavy band, it was clearly over,” he noted, stating that the time for bands like Motley Crue and White Snake were over. “And besides then I had become a drunk and didn’t care, either.” It was noted that Joe Spallone then gave both Quasarman and Alex Ladd an opportunity to make movies for his company. Quasarman also noted that he met his wife to-be at one of his band’s final gigs at a club called Exposure 54. “She was also playing in another band. Our eyes met across a crowded room. The fact of the matter is we’re still together.”

The first movie he and Ladd did for Joe Spallone was Cheating Hearts starring Rebecca Bardoux. “It was truly horrible. It was our first movie. We didn’t know what we were doing. Much like most of the people in porn today. But back then it was rare for people who didn’t know what they were doing to get a deal making movies. Now it happens every day.”

Then in 1994 Quasarman attempted to form some new bands with no success. “You started to perform stand up comedy,” Milne stated. “You were lazy and you hate rejection so you gave it up.” Quasarman agreed. “I did a show at the Improv that went tremendously well and a few weeks later I did a show at the Improv that didn’t go well at all. Then I quit. That’s the kind of guy I am.”

By 1995, Quasarman began drinking liters of Bacardi nightly and accepted a position as a negative cutter in the real world. Finding that mind-numbingly boring, he auditioned for a musical production at Universal Studios. “I was the singing Frankenstein in the Beetlejuice Rocking Graveyard Review,” he states proudly. According to Milne, as a result of that job, he relinquished all porn contacts and continued in that role. “I found out it didn’t pay shit and I needed to go back to a job where I didn’t have to get up early in the morning,” Quasarman reflected. “And I started calling people back going, hey, remember me? I used to hand out towels for you. I shot your movie. I booked your movie.”

“And your Bacardi use increased,” Milne observed.

“Wouldn’t yours?” Quasarman replied.


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