Let’s take this from the top.
The Rob Black Show is gonna give our predictions of the winners and losers of the 30th annual XRCO Awards show that is being held Wednesday April 16th. We will find out tonight exactly how accurate we were. Isn’t this fun?
So here we go.
The first category is:
“BEST RELEASE (shot on film, digital, or video)”
“Broken Hearts, Smash Pictures”
“Daddy’s Girls – Girlfriends Films”
“Divorcees – Wicked Pictures”
“The Perfect Secretary 3: New Recruit – Adam & Eve Pictures”
“Performer of the Year 2013 – Elegant Angel”
“The Submission of Emma Marx – New Sensations”
“The Temptation of Eve – New Sensations”
“Truth Be Told – Skow Digital/Girlfriends Films”
I’m going with… Submission of Emma Marx – New Sensations. That’s my pick, ladies and gentlemen. Mark it down.
Then we move on to:
“BEST EPIC”
“Bridesmaids – Digital Playground”
“Code Of Honor – Digital Playground”
“Devil on a Chain – Vivid Entertainment Group”
“The Madison’s Mad Mad Circus – Juicy Entertainment”
“The New Behind The Green Door – Vivid Entertainment Group”
“Underworld – Wicked Pictures”
Bridesmaids, Code of Honor, Devil on a Chain and The New Behind The Green Door. Throw them in the trash. The Madison’s Mad Mad Circus. Definitely throw that in the trash. The winner will be…
Underworld! Wicked Pictures. Best Epic will definitely be Underworld.
Next category is:
“BEST PARODY (Comedy)”
“Clerks XXX: A Porn Parody – Vivid Entertainment Group” Shit.
“Grease XXX A Parody – Adam & Eve Pictures”
“Just In Beaver Fever – Devil’s Films” Definitely shit
“Love Boat XXX – X-Play/Adam & Eve Pictures”
“Not South Park XXX – X-Play/Pulse”
“Not The Wizard Of Oz XXX – X Play/Pulse”
“This Ain’t Star Trek 3 XXX 3D- Hustler” Shit.
“The Walking Dead: A Hardcore Parody – Burning Angel/Vouyer” And shit.
So what we have here is a battle between Grease XXX A Parody, Love Boat XXX, Not South Park XXX and Not The Wizard of Oz XXX.
The winner of Best Parody (Comedy) is:
Grease XXX A Parody! Or it could go to Not The Wizard Of Oz. Either way it’s going to the Jeff Mullen/Will Ryder team. But I’m going with Grease XXX A Parody.
Let’s move on to:
“BEST PARODY (Drama)”
“Gia: Lesbian Supermodel – Girl Candy/AEBN/Pulse”
“The Lone Ranger XXX – Extreme Comixxx”
“OMG … It’s the Leaving Las Vegas XXX Parody – Septo Productions”
“This Ain’t Diehard XXX 3D – Hustler”
OK this one could be tough, because Girl Candy/AEBN/Pulse could be in the running. But I’m gonna have to go with… This Ain’t Diehard XXX 3D – Hustler!
Because let’s face it, anything by Jerry Estrada and Exquisite Multimedia and the company I created Extreme Comixxx sucks without me. That’s not just me saying it. They really do suck. The Lone Ranger XXX was directed by Jordan Septo, who also directed the Leaving Las Vegas thing. And he sucks. So it’s between Gia the Lesbian Supermodel or Diehard. Diehard by a nose.
What’s next?
“BEST PARODY (Comic)”
“Iron Man XXX – VividXXXSuperheroes”
“Man Of Steel XXX –VividXXXSuperheroes”
“Thor XXX – VividXXXSuperheroes”
“Wolverine XXX: An Axel Braun Parody – VividXXXSuperheroes”
“The XXX Adventures of Hawkman & Hawkgirl -Extreme Comixxx”
There’s really only one way to go here. If you go with Extreme Comixxx you gotta be retarded. Hawkman and Hawkgirl is horrible. Anything pumped outta that studio after I left is an abysmal piece of shit.
Out of Iron Man, Man of Steel, Thor or Wolverine for Vivid, I’m gonna pick… Man of Steel.
Let’s move on.
“BEST GONZO MOVIE”
“Anikka – Hard X/Mile High”
“Battle of the Asses #5 – Elegant Angel”
“The Gangbang of Bonnie Rotten – Digital Sin”
“No Cum Dodging Allowed #13 – Mike John/Jules Jordan”
“Remy LaCroix’s Anal Cabo Weekend – LeWood/Evil Angel”
“Threesome Fantasies Fulfilled – Digital Sin”
What’s Best Gonzo movie? I’m gonna tell you what’s Best Gonzo movie. No Cum Dodging Allowed # 13 from Mike John/Jules Jordan. No, wait. I changed my mind. The Gangbang of Bonnie Rotten – Digital Sin. Tattooed freak Bonnie Rotten gets the win.
“BEST GONZO SERIES”
“Wet Asses – Jules Jordan Video”
“Day With A Pornstar – Brazzers”
“Gangbanged – Elegant Angel”
“Oil Overload – Jules Jordan Video”
“Raw – Manuel Ferrara/Evil Angel”
“Slutty & Sluttier – Manuel Ferrara/Evil Angel”
“Spin, Suck, & Fuck – Immoral Productions”
This is a tough one because all of these movies sound like shit. But I’m gonna go with…this is a tough one… Oil Overload – Jules Jordan Video
Next:
“BEST GIRL/GIRL SERIES”
“Belladonna: No Warning – Belladonna/Evil Angel”
“Girlfriends – Third Degree Films”
“Girls Kissing Girls – Sweetheart/Mile High”
“Meow – Jules Jordan”
“Mommy & Me – Filly Films”
“We Live Together – Reality Kings”
“Women Seeking Women – Girlfriends Films”
And the winner, without even thinking about it is Women Seeking Women – Girlfriends Films!
“BEST POV SERIES”
“Barely Legal POV – Hustler Video”
“Housewife 1 On 1 – Naughty America/Pure Play”
“Let Me Suck You – Elegant Angel”
“Panty Pops – Kevin Moore/Evil Angel”
“POV Pervert – Jules Jordan”
“Schoolgirl POV – New Sensations”
“Tanlines – Kevin Moore/Evil Angel”
Gotta go with the little dwarf himself, POV Pervert – Jules Jordan
“BEST ETHNIC SERIES”
“8th Street Latinas – Reality Kings”
“Asian Fuck Faces – Darkko Productions/Evil Angel”
“Big Ass Brazilian Butts – Reality Kings”
“Big Black Wet Asses – Elegant Angel Productions”
“Black Owned – Jules Jordan”
“Latin Adultery – Naughty America/Pure Play”
“Latina Sex Tapes – MOFOS”
The winner is mental midget and drone enthusiast Jules Jordan.
OK now let’s get into the serious awards. Enough of this gonzo POV ethnic shit.
“BEST DIRECTOR (Features)”
“Brad Armstrong”
“James Avalon
”
“Barrett Blade”
“Robby D.”
“Stormy Daniels”
“Eddie Powell”
“B. Skow”
“Jacky St. James”
B. Skow, Eddie Powell , Jackie St. James, fugeddaboudit. Robby D. and Stormy Daniels together, fugeddaboudit. Barrett Blade, definitely fugeddaboudit. James Avalon is great, but a little too old school. The only real choice here is Big Bad Brad Armstrong. Best Director in a motherfuckin feature is Big Brain Brad.
“BEST DIRECTOR (Non-Features)”
“Manuel Ferrara”
“William H”
“Jules Jordan”
“Mason”
“Kevin Moore”
“Eddie Powell”
“Dana Vespoli”
“Tim Von Swine”
Gotta go with the smart money here. Best Director in Non-Feature is Jules Jordan.
The next category is easy. Easy. EEEZEEE. I shouldn’t even name the other nominees. But in the interest of ball busting I will.
“BEST DIRECTOR (Parody)”
“Joanna Angel” Not even in the same league as my man
“Barrett Blade” Can’t even wear my man’s jockstrap
“Stuart Canterbury” Worst director in the history of porn
“Jordan Septo” Did I say Canterbury was the worst? Scratch that.
“B. Skow” Pretender to the throne
That leaves only two nominees left Will Ryder and Axel Braun. Ladies and gentlemen, the greatest parody director of AAALLL TIIIME! AXEL BRAUN!!! Will gets an honorable mention though. He already won Best Parody (Comedy) so he’s not going home empty handed.
Now we go to a category I’ve never fucking heard of before. I guess they wanted give out more trophies, I dunno.
“BEST WEB DIRECTOR”
“Brando – Brazzers”
“Shelby Black – Naughty America”
“Ivan – Puba”
“Greg Lansky – Reality Kings”
“Brother Love – Porn Pros”
I have no idea who any of these people are except for Ivan aka Slava because he used to work for me and I gave him his start as a cum towel boy. But I gotta go with Shelby Black just because she picked a cool last name.
OK let’s run through the rest of these. Fuck, this is a long list…
“BEST ACTRESS”
“jessica drake – Underworld – Wicked Pictures”
“Allie Haze – Clerks XXX: A Porn Parody – Vivid Entertainment Group”
“Jesse Jane – Code Of Honor – Digital Playground”
“Remy LaCroix – The Temptation of Eve – New Sensations Erotic Stories”
“Brooklyn Lee – The New Behind the Green Door – Vivid Entertainment Group”
“Maddy O’Reilly – Not The Wizard Of Oz XXX – X Play/Pulse”
“Penny Pax – The Submission of Emma Marx – New Sensations Erotic Stories”
This is close. But I’m going with Remy LaCroix – The Temptation of Eve
“BEST ACTOR”
“Richie Calhoun – The Submission of Emma Marx – New Sensations Erotic Stories”
“Xander Corvus – The Temptation of Eve – New Sensations”
“Mark Davis – Nobody’s Daughter – Hard Candy/AEBN/Pulse”
“Ryan Driller – Man Of Steel XXX –VividXXXSuperheroes”
“Tommy Pistol – Evil Head – BurningAngel/Vouyer”
“Steven St. Croix – Truth Be Told – Skow Digital”
“Evan Stone – Daddy’s Girls – Girlfriends Films”
Mark Davis is still alive? Best Actor is… Xander “Bloody Dick” Corvus for The Temptation of Eve.
“FEMALE PERFORMER OF THE YEAR”
“Asa Akira”
“Anikka Albrite”
“Skin Diamond”
“Remy LaCroix”
“Chanel Preston”
“Riley Reid”
“Bonnie Rotten”
“Jada Stevens”
FPOTY, ring it up, punch it up is going to Bonnie “Tattooed Freak” Rotten
“MALE PERFORMER OF THE YEAR”
“Mick Blue”
“Xander Corvus”
“James Deen”
“Manuel Ferrara”
“Ramon Nomar”
“Tommy Pistol”
“Johnny Sins”
“Steven St. Croix”
Drum roll please… Hands down it’s Xander “Bloody Dick” Corvus!
“NEW STARLET”
“A.J. Applegate”
“Casey Calvert”
“Dillion Harper”
“Christy Mack”
“Mia Malkova”
“Zoey Monroe”
“Jessa Rhodes”
“Cindy Starfall”
Let’s see if XRCO can get this one right. I’m going with Jessa “Let’s Shoot Everybody with AIDS” Rhodes!
“NEW STUD”
“Clover”
“Ike Diezel”
“Jovan Jordan”
“Tony Martinez”
“Tyler Nixon”
“Chad White”
“Wrexxx”
“Van Wylde”
Clover has a handicap because he had syphilis. Or he didn’t. Or he did. Or didn’t. Nonetheless, New Stud is Tyler Nixon.
”UNSUNG SIREN”
“Bridgette B”
”Yurizan Beltran
”
“Mischa Brooks”
”Vicki Chase”
”Courtney Cummz”
Unsung Siren means you suck. You’re not that bad, but you’re not that good. Courtney Cummz is old. So is Bridgette B. I don’t really know any of these other skanky bitches so I’ll roll with Mischa Brooks.
“UNSUNG SWORDSMAN”
“Lee Bang” Worst agent and performer in history
“Johnny Castle” Very muscular, I used him in Supergirl
“J-Mac”
“D Snoop”
“Chris Strokes”
Gotta go with Chris Strokes.
“CREAM DREAM”
“Adriana Chechik”
“Dillion Harper”
“Kennedy Leigh”
“Mia Malkova”
“Zoey Monroe”
“Riley Reid”
“Veronica Rodriguez”
“Staci Silverstone”
What is a cream dream? I don’t know what a cream dream is. Sounds like a popsicle. Uhhhh….Riley Reid.
“SUPERSLUT”
“Asa Akira”
“Dana DeArmond”
“Skin Diamond”
“Bonnie Rotten”
“Sheena Shaw” Loves fucking men with HIV
“Jada Stevens”
“Jennifer White” Loves 50 man cream pies in the middle of hepatitis, syphilis and HIV outbreaks.
Let’s go with Bonnie Rotten again. Why not?
“ORGASMIC ORALIST”
“Anikka Albrite”
“Vicki Chase”
“Skin Diamond”
“Remy LaCroix”
“Maddy O’Reilly”
“Riley Reid”
“Bonnie Rotten”
Girls who are good at sucking cock. I dunno, let’s give it to Skin Diamond.
“ORGASMIC ANALIST”
“Asa Akira”
“Veronica Avluv”
“Skin Diamond”
“Chanel Preston”
“Bonnie Rotten”
“Sheena Shaw”
“Jada Stevens”
Girls who love to get it up their assholes. Let’s give it to the brave one. The one who doesn’t even flinch at AIDS. Sheena Shaw. Girlfriend of HIV positive John Stagliano.
“MILF OF THE YEAR”
“Julia Ann”
“Lisa Ann”
“Veronica Avluv”
“Cherie DeVille”
“Francesca Le”
“India Summer”
“Tanya Tate”
Let’s give it to the host of XRCO, who, like Ron Jeremy, never fucking dies. Julia Ann, ladies and gentlemen.
“BEST CUMBACK (out of the biz for at least 1 year)”
“Amy Anderssen”
“Katja Kassin”
“Kaylynn”
“Sunny Lane”
“Missy Monroe”
“Courtney Page”
Lemme tell you, Missy Monroe looks like shit. Never knew Katja was out. Sunny Lane, she’s in, she’s out, she’s in… I’m going with ………. Kaylynn
“MAINSTREAM ADULT MEDIA FAVORITE”
“Joanna Angel”
“James Deen”
“jessica drake”
“Ron Jeremy”
“Sunny Leone” Only people in India who wipe their asses with their hands give a shit.
“Nikki Phoenix”
“Tanya Tate”
I gotta go with the college lecturing, piracy fighting media favorite….jessica drake. Look, I spelled it all lower case, like she likes.
“XRCO HALL OF FAME”
“Brigitte Lahaie – Film Pioneer” Who?
“Axel Braun – Director” Legend
“Rebecca Bardoux – Actress” Old
“Tera Patrick – Actress” Another who retires but never leaves
“Stormy Daniels – Actress” OK, great
“Taylor Wane – Actress” OK, great
“Mark Wood – Actor” That’s laughable
“Tony Montana – Actor” HIV positive and poised for a comeback
“Slave To Love – Rosebud – Alex DeRenzy – Best Movie (1993)”
There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. That’s The Rob Black Show predictions for the XRCO. If anyone wants to wager on these, be my guest. I’m gonna say I’ll get at least 50% right.
We’ll see Wednesday night.
Follow Rob Black on Twitter: @RealRobBlack Email: [email protected]