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from www.onmilwaukee.com – Frustrated with the speed at which his policies are being enacted into law, Gov. Scott Walker is turning to more unconventional means to get more money circulating in the private sector.
With Walker’s budget repair bill stalled in review, the governor declared today that non-unionized prostitution is now legal. The measure officially takes effect today.
“This is the kind of out-of-the-box thinking I was hoping for when I voted Walker into office,” said Sheboygan resident Kathy Jessup. “I don’t care if you’re for him or against him, you have to agree that Walker’s kept his promises: Wisconsin is now officially wide open for business, and legs across this great state are free to do the same.”
The law, though seemingly controversial, has been met with positive feedback across the state, with the majority of its supporters centralized in Milwaukee.
“This is actually really good news for us,” said Bambi Bixby, who insisted she was using her real name. “Me and the girls have been looking for an opportunity to strike out on our own for awhile, and now with this new law we can finally put our entrepreneurial skills to good use. We might actually come out on top. Or the bottom. Whatever floats your boat, doll.”
In the past, Bixby and her fellow “personal entertainment liaisons,” as they prefer to be called, have had trouble bringing in business.
“We’ve spent whole nights without a single customer,” Bixby lamented. “Working the bar districts gets tough, even with the most creative marketing. Any given night, who’s to say who’s one of us or just another bar skank in a short skirt?”
Bixby and her associates have wasted no time developing their own business district on Milwaukee’s South Side in anticipation of the law’s passing.
In fact, their swift action has resulted in an almost overnight name change to the area, which has quickly become known as Streetwalker’s Point.
Of course, the new legalization is not without its opponents.
“I’m all for these women starting up their own business and bringing money to the local economy, but do they really have to do it in my neighborhood?” questioned local streetwalker and longtime non-prostitute “Milverine.”
“I mean, I have just as much right as anybody to walk down the street shirtless and not have to deal with getting stopped for propositions. It’s flattering, sure, but I’ve got places to be.”
Another unfortunate casualty in the new legalization is the job market for “liaison representatives,” more commonly referred to as pimps.
“Everything’s coming up roses for the girls, but where does this new law leave me?” wondered Mark “Big Daddy” Leczewski. “All of a sudden the law’s on their side, and intermediary parties like myself have become obsolete. I’ve got custom-made hats to pay off and I don’t know where my next paycheck will come from.”
When pressed for comment on this unforeseen flaw, Governor Walker was not available for comment. One of his aides, however, did issue his own opinion.
“We of course are saddened by any jobs lost during this period of transition,” said the aide, who wished to remain anonymous. “While we’d love to keep all of Wisconsin’s residents happy, you can’t please all the people all the time.”
The aide did, however, offer a possible ray of hope for these out-of-work reps.
“Frankly I’ve heard the job market in Chicago’s pretty good,” he said. “Just because we don’t have jobs for them here doesn’t mean they can’t exercise their freedoms and find one somewhere else. Everybody’s got to make sacrifices.”
For now, though, feedback for the new bill has been largely positive, thanks in a large part to the state’s “Hookin’ Wisconsin Up” media campaign, which is part of the wider “Wisconsin’s Legs Are Open for Business” tourism program.
A measurable fiscal impact isn’t expected for a few months, but preliminary numbers from Trojan indicate a sharp increase in Wisconsin sales, indicating that the state’s economy, like its tricks, are taking a turn for the better.
Happy April Fools Day