You’ve Heard of Selfies? Here Comes The ASSIE!

What’s going on with XBIZ and Alec Helmy? This little piece of shit.

Hey Helmy! My big fat cock is still waiting for you to suck it.

I’m still waiting for you to suck on my big fat cock. I’m still waiting for Fred Kahn at Caine and Weiner to suck on my big fat cock. And of course, Frank Koretsky, everybody’s favorite bitch, to suck on my big fat cock.

But apparently none of the three of them wanna deep throat it. If you deep throat it you will love it. I know you will love it. But unfortunately, I got no cocksucking.

Ladies and gentlemen, I know you’re asking, “Why? Why all of this cocksucking talk?” Again, let me explain.

About two years ago, when I had a company called Sinister Comixxx that Frank Koretsky stole from me, we incurred a $5500 XBIZ advertising bill. It was to promote Sinister Comixxx, Birds of Prey, Snow White, all the projects that were to come out in a partnership with Rob Black and Frank Koretsky.

As with everything that happens with Frank Koretsky, we got fucked. Ask John Cornetta, Mike Savage, all of the people that Frank Koretsky fucked over the years.

What happens is Frank changes his mind, flies off the Hong Kong or wherever and lets his minions Adam Hasner, Richard Gallo, Kim Sedergran and Pete Grygel bury your product, steal your money and fuck you over.

About two years later, XBIZ has the balls to send me a collections notice. Which I of course ignored. I figured they must be confused.

Ultimately, a man by the name of Fred Kahn from Caine and Weiner, a collections agency contacted me. Fred Kahn informed me that if I did not respond to their demand for payment that they were going to put it into legal.

I responded to Fred that he needed to collect from Frank Koretsky. Because he was responsible for a bill for product that he stole. And he could tell Alec Helmy to go get fucked.

That was more than a week ago. I’m still waiting for a response. Nothing from Alec Helmy, even though we talk about him everyday. And of course, no response from Frank Koretsky, because he tells people that he won’t listen to my show. Instead, I have friends who send him clips of the bits that I do about him. They are sent to his phone so he can’t help but watch them.

You know what? I’m gonna actually start doing that. We’ve got Frank’s fucking cell phone number. I’m gonna start sending him fucking clips. And I’ll send him texts throughout the day. Suck on my big fat cock, funny stuff like that. I’m gonna send him so many fucking texts he’ll have to change his number, because I’m sure he’ll be annoyed by all the funny pictures and video clips that we send him.

We’ll do it during the show, so you know I’m not bullshitting. Because last night, we called Free Speech Coalition and asked for press credentials for their coveted awards show. It was pretty comical. We’ll probably put up the video tonight so you can see it’s no bullshit. The number is (818)348-9373. So if any of you want to give a shout out to Free Speech Coalition you can. Tell them Rob Black told you to call.

If any of you can provide proof that you called we will give you a prize and play your phony phone call on the air. Like when Larry King was on and he would say, “Hartford, Connecticut. You’re on the air.”

“Hi, Larry. Yes, I would like to ask your guest a question. Have you ever mind melded with Howard Stern’s penis?” *click*

You gotta at least engage them. You gotta call and say, “Hello, is Joanne Capistrano there? She is? Great.” She gets on and you say, “Hello Joanne, WASSUUUUUUUP!!!” Or something else funny. Be creative.

That, my friends will get you a free 10 minute Skype show with Katie Summers. She’ll play with the dildos in the sink that we talked about last night. You will also receive a Rob Black Show T-shirt.

That is what the fans will get for phony phone calls to Free Speech Coalition. This could be pure comedy gold.

We will also get Frank Koretsky’s number and bombard him with phone calls. And texts. And pictures.

I’ll take pictures of my asshole. I’ll get my phone and squat over it. Kinda like a selfie. A selfie of my asshole. Is that an assie? Would that be considered an assie? I think that would be an assie.

What would look better? An assie with me bent over or squatting? Which of these assies would worthy of an asshole like Frank Koretsky? Can anybody help me out?

Maybe we’ll do a video assie. I’ll push my asshole out so it looks like I’m pooping and you can see my sphincter crowning. Disgusting, yes. But funny. Hopefully I don’t shit on my phone.

So the assie will start on my asshole and pan up to my face, “WASSUUUUUP!!!” That’s what we’re gonna do. Oh my God, this is gonna be some of the best material that we’ve ever fucking had. This is exciting.

Maybe we’ll get an award. Maybe we’ll be on an awards show and be up against Jon Stewart. They’ll announce the nominees:

“The nominees are Jon Stewart for The Daily Show. Stephen Colbert for The Colbert Report. And Rob Black for The Rob Black Show.”

And the winner is:

“Rob Black for The Rob Black Show! For the ASSIE!!!”

And I’ll go up there and do an assie right there on the Emmys. I don’t give a fuck.

Because my manager Kevin says there are a coupla new networks that might take a chance on a little craziness. So I could see putting a new network on the map by busting out a little assie right there on stage.

I take down my tux pants and bust out an assie. It will be classic. Goes viral.

So I got the phone. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are looking on. Now I got the assie. I give out a little toot. Hear that? I almost shit. Then you cut to the faces in the audience looking aghast. Now, at that moment the screen could go black. Or maybe they’ll run with it. Because they know it’ll be the greatest television that anyone has ever seen.

Or we could get taken backstage and have the shit beaten out of us and be banned from Hollywood forever. Maybe Peter Young from Sovereign Talent Group will be banished for bringing me. Kevin Kleinrock will be banished for being my manager. Basically everybody who took a risk on The Rob Black Show and gave us a chance will be ostracized from Hollywood.

All because I decided to do an assie on the Emmys. But guess what? I gotta imagine it’ll be a viral hit.

Then I’ll be sitting in my apartment and I’ll get the call. “They love you. Looooove you. ABC wants to take you from that little network and sign you to a 50 million dollar contract to just sit there and do assies all night. After Nightline.”

And I’d go there and say, “Holy shit, you mean you want me to go on and take over Jimmy Kimmel’s spot? And they’d say, “No, we want you to take over Nightline. Take over the 12:30 time slot at ABC. We want you to follow Jimmy Kimmel”

I’d say, “Ya know what? I love that. Can I do assies?”

“We want you to do nothing but assies. Never stop with the assies. People love the assies. Hell, you can do ballsies!”

Holy shit, ABC and the Disney people are talking about ballsies.

What would that be ladies and gentlemen? I hide my cock with my hand so all you see is balls. No shaft. No head. That would be offensive. Just balls. We’d take the picture with a big “WASSUUUUUUP!!!”

That would be fucking historic.

I think you’re gonna see a lot of assies and ballsies in productions throughout Hollywood in 2014. Zuckerberg’s gonna love me when Facebook gets reenergized with ballsies and assies.

2014 will the year of the ballsie and the assie.

And you have Rob Black to thank for it.


Ladies and gentlemen, the first ballsie has been completed and sent to Frank Koretsky. To see this historic event that was captured on Wednesday night’s show, click on the video on the front page entitled: FRANK KORETSKY GETS THE FIRST EVER BALLSIE FROM ROB BLACK

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