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I wrote a piece suggesting that what the porn industry needs is charm, manners and Hollywood charisma to get its message across www.adultfyi.com/read.php?ID=58618 and needs a proper spokesman to deliver it, like Ryan Gosling in the film Ides of March.

Nick East further imagines what that message might be. Here’s East’s take:

To the members of CAL/OSHA,I would like to sincerely apologize for the inappropriate behavior of certain members of the adult film community when you all reached out to us.

The fact that we allowed them [porn’s Three Stooges] to speak was wrong, and we couldn’t agree with you more. Health and Safety issues ARE very important to us as well! This is the feeling of the majority of the adult film industry.

Our testing procedure does not adequately protect our adult film performers from unscrupulous individuals who would not hesitate to corrupt our current system, so in an effort to quell any misgivings we
may have instigated, we propose the following…

1. Full panel STD testing paid by a joint fund fed by the adult film companies to be implemented by creating a clinic who’s sole responsibility is treating performers free of charge for them to use for up to six months after their last scene.

2. Condom usage for ALL acts of vaginal/anal sex with proper disposal protocols in place.

3. The creation of a 1-800 number for consumers to call if they spot a scene produced after a pre-specified date, also to be paid for by the adult film companies. Any calls will be investigated and the offending parties will be duly penalized.

4. Require talent and at least one producer to pass a blood borne pathogen training course prior to producing or performing in ANY scenes.

5. We realize that the health and well-being of the performers acting in our movies deserve much more merit than the animals are required to receive in mainstream movies, so in addition to everything else we’re more than wanting to implement, we’re also in favor of mental health screenings and treatment (if necessary) for our actors and actresses. We sincerely hope you will consider our proposal, and if there’s anything we’ve left
out, please just give us a call! We’re always receptive to compliance!

If I was Ryan Gosling, that is what I’d say. Oh, and just for the record, wouldn’t Diane Duke’s salary be better paid to a doctor who could treat the talent, one and all?