Meet Howard Stern porn critic. Apparently shock jock Stern fancies himself a porn aficiando and in recent weeks has put down music in porn and women directors. This morning Stern told Bridgette Kerkove and Britney Foster in no uncertain terms what he thought of their product. He doesn’t like it.
The Stern studio flunkies all ganged up on the women. Robin Quivers couldn’t understand who the product was being made for. Maybe it was Stuttering John who said, “It’s so not sexy – girls are spitting every second. It’s too much. I don’t want to see all that.” Stern agreed and said he hated it, too. Stern had to explain to Robin that women spit during lesbo sex to get someone going. “I don’t want to see them hocking loogies,” Stern said. Interestingly, Stern didn’t recognize Kerkove who has been on his show in the past.
Stern chided Foster and Kerkove for not being able to spell the word “director” [apparently the word was mangled in their written promo] and asked them to spell it on the air. Stern apparently reviewed the movies “Disturbed” and “Dirty”. He didn’t sound too impressed. “You’re making porn for guys, right? You don’t know what guys like,” Stern told them. “You think guys like a lot harder core than they do. Like the spitting…and the real close-ups on the womens’ private parts, and lots of shots of guys’ penises and penises touching each other, girls, girls, consult a guy before you make your porn.”
Kerkove disagreed and said she shoots what fans are demanding. “Really? Then you must have a lot of homos,” Stern told her. Gary also seemed disturbed by the fact that Kerkove’s movie Dirty goes straight to anal sex. Kerkove said Gary watched the hardcore version whereas she also shoots softcore. Stern said he couldn’t even watch the version he got, that he tried masturbating but couldn’t because it was too intense for him. Asked if she had a boyfriend, Kerkove said she was married. “I bet in your world being married doesn’t stop you from having sex,” he told her. Kerkove said she would do Stern and Stern returned the compliment observing that Kerkove had “some bod.”
Gary reminded Stern that he had reservations about such things. “I’m a little weirded out by that,” Stern agreed. Kerkove asked why. Stern inferred diseases. “I’m always afraid you being a dirty girl.” Kerkove said there’s no condoms in her movies but that everyone is completely tested. Stern hastened to point out that Mary Carey got gonorrhea. Kerkpve said she, herself, has never taken an STD home and that she uses liquid condoms. Stern asked what that was. Stern explained that it’s a lube available from AIM.
In puerile euphemisms, someone noted that there’s anal-to-vaginal insertions in the movies. Kerkove objected. “Never!” she said. “It seemed it went from anal to a regular ex scene,” Stern explained. “You are right. You can’t do that,” Kerkove agreed. She thought they were talking about ATM. Totally unaware of who he was talking to, Stern asked Kerkove if she liked anal which is like asking Santa Claus if he likes chimneys.
Stern was also disturbed by double anal. “Two guys doing it at one time in the same place, a bad place. That’s gay. I felt gay watching it.” Gary agreed by saying that two guys’ private parts touching during sex is gay no matter whose ass is involved. Stern said guys don’t want to see that. Kerkove said, no, that fans are demanding it and want to see it. Kerkove said she’s done double-anal. Stern said he heard the rumor that Kerkove had to wear adult diapers.
“Never- of course not!” she exclaimed. Stern asked how she handled two dicks in her ass. “You just do,” she explained, stating that it was a porn fantasy. Artie began ragging on Kerkove’s nasal-twang by repeating her comments in exaggerated fashion. Stern wanted to know if Bridgette took Oxycontin, ala Rush Limbaugh, before doing the scene to deaden the pain.
“Those boys are big and there’s a lot of ugly people doing you in that scene. I’m not looking at the guys but some of the guys look like hillbilly farmers.” Kerkove surmised that Stern might be talking about another girl. Gary had to make a point of stressing his non-gayness but seemed disturbed about closeups of uncircumcised penises. “That’s a whole other topic. It’s just disgusting.”
Stern explained it’s chicks shooting porn meaning to suggest what else would you expect. “Sorry- you guys have different values.” Kerkove stressed the angst Gary was displaying about the different issues. Gary thought the movies were almost violent. Kerkove claims the titles are flying off the shelves but aren’t violent. Stern said he likes romance and a story. Kerkove replied that’s why she shoots two versions.
“Guys like romance and penises in one bad place,” Artie Lange, said, again mocking Bridgette. Stern said he knows what he likes but thought the movies very intense. Kerkove said that was the whole point. “They’re supposed to be intense.” Stern aid he didn’t watch Foster’s all-girl movie. Foster said she doesn’t shoot men.
Fred added his two cents by saying Bridgette’s movie was awful. “The women look hard. And is it possible to get a woman in a video that doesn’t have a tattoo? Everybody is wearing that stupid day-glo pantyhose, day-glo socks. Is that some sort of thing? Did you get a deal with somebody? And you use these crystal-glass objects. It looks like people were churning butter. It did not look romantic. It looked like they were trying to unclog a toilet.”
For her part, Kerkove said she personally prefers romantic, passionate sex with kissing and teasing. Stern kept admiring Kerkove’s body, and she reminded him how the last time she was on the show, Stern ragged on her about being fat. She just had a baby 15 days prior, she told him. “So I did you favor,” Stern said. The gang then began jumping on her about having a baby and celebrating with a double-anal.
Gary noted that Bridgette met her husband [Skeeter] when she was 16. “She immediately goes into porn.” Kerkove said not immediately. “The family doesn’t talk to you; the family is real upset about the whole thing.” he added. Kerkove said, rather, she doesn’t talk to them. “It’s too judgmental and too heart-breaking for me,” she explained. “Because they’re like I love you but I see it in their eyes that they’re judging me. It’s too hard for me.” Stern said probably because it’s too hard for them to see their little girl getting double-anal. “Maybe if you told your parents you were directing now they’d feel differently,” Stern said sarcastically.
Gary also pointed out that Skeeter was 28 when she and Bridgette met. “Yeah- he looks a lot younger,” Kerkove replied. “He was covered in tattoos and his Harley was rad.” Kerkopve said what would you expect when you’re in Catholic school and see someone on a Harley. She pretty much agreed with Gary’s scenario of jumping on the back of the bike in her Catholic school uniform and never being seen again.
Stern wanted to know if she were molested as a child. Kerkove said no. “Everything was good.” Robin asked Foster why she only shot women. “Because she’s a lesbo,” Stern answered. Foster said she didn’t find a lot of attractive men in the business. Foster also explained that it was hard to find girls in the business without tattoos and who weren’t rough-looking. Foster basically said it was too hard to find women who fit the mainstream criteria. Kerkove said she had three tattoos.
Gary said that, in a private interview with her, Foster said she didn’t like the business and wanted to get out. Foster seemed embarrassed by the revelation and protested.
“You said you were stuck in a convention [the East Coast Show] with a bunch of big fat, hairy old guys,” Gary reminded her. Stern said it indicated Foster’s disdain for her audience. “Big, fat hairy guys buy porn.” Foster, said, rather, she loved her audience.