Texas Makes a Pitch to Become the New Porn Valley

posted on www.austinchronicle.com – Howdy from Texas. How is it going? Sorry to hear about your recent condom to-do with the Los Angeles City Council. Forcing people making porn movies to wear condoms. Well, that’s big government for you. Them liberals and their condoms. We’re big on abstinence here despite our teen pregnancy rates. But that’s a whole other story.
For all its condom use, California is not doing so great with its teen pregnancies either. We’re about the same as them on HIV rates, too.

But enough of this serious talk. What we need to talk about is business. Filmmaking business, that is. Now that’s where the rubber meets the road.

Texas has been in the movie business since 1894, just three years after Thomas Edison invented the Kinetoscope. Yes sir, we had one of those Edison “peep cabinet parlors” right in Austin. True, California eventually lured most of the film making business away from the other states. But Texas was never forgotten. We had films like Giant and The Alamo filmed here. Then in 1971, they came up with the Texas Film Commission, and there was a boom of films made in Texas into the 1990s.

What does this mean to you? Well, we think Texas can help you meet your porn movie project needs. We have a proven track record of supporting media industries and the ability to maintain a competitive position worldwide as a production destination. True, adult films have not been our strong suit, but before you say no, we want you to take a good, long look at our assets.

Beautiful Natural Resources: Yes sir, Texas has some beautiful countryside. And we have some of the most beautiful women anywhere. We don’t want to start listing all the beautiful women in Texas as it would be embarrassing to the other states. Porn star Alexis Texas hails from Castroville, Nina Mercedez is from Corpus Christi, Jesse Jane was born in Fort Worth, and Jessica Drake is from San Antonio.

And let’s not forget, Linda Lovelace was born in Bryan. We know from national studies that folks in Texas are buying porno. As far as locations, Houston is one of the most sex-friendly cities around and has more strip clubs in one area than just about anywhere. There’s even a porn production company there called HoustonSexOnline. Can’t tell you if TexasAdultCasting.com is located in Texas though. But in Austin, we have a preacher named Mark Weaver who taught his congregation about porn by showing it to them. I bet them L.A. Scientologists don’t show porn to their congregations.

Presidential Candidates: Until recently, we had not one, but two men running for president. Yes, they have been linked with “traditional American values.” But in Rick Perry, we have a governor who truly enjoys taking jobs away from California and bringing them to Texas.

In Vernon, Calif., Perry called Texas “America’s new land of opportunity.” Despite him dropping out of the race, we bet as governor he will still be happy when Texas gets jobs away from the Left Coast. Plus there have been reports about Perry’s past investment in porn distributor Movie Gallery, Inc.

In Ron Paul, we have one of the most ardent supporters of the Bill of Rights. I need not remind you that the First Amendment supports free speech. Scott Banister, who runs a website with hot models at zivity.com likes Paul and has donated to his campaign. We all know Paul is not too big on Big Government in everyone’s bedroom and hopefully not ya’lls.

Financial Incentives: We have this thing called the Texas Moving Image Industry Incentive Program. If you qualify, you may receive a payment of 5% to 17.5% of eligible Texas spending or 8% to 29.25% of eligible wages paid to Texas residents. Both live-action and animated projects are eligible. Plus we have sales tax exemptions.

Historical Precedents: Where did Debbie get her start? Why, it was in Dallas, as in Debbie Does Dallas. Yes, we know they made most of that film in Brooklyn. And then they made Debbie Does New Orleans and Debbie Does Wall Street, but then they made Debbie Does Dallas II – so good she came back here again.

And how many states can boast mainstream movies about prostitution? Was there a Best Little Whorehouse in California? Hell no! Sure, we have our morals, but we can laugh off some of this stuff. It’s good ole boys just having fun. We have a sense of humor – speaking of which, you gotta love that movie, The Texas Vibrator Massacre.

Speaking of vibrators, we know there have been some legal problems with them in the past in Texas. But we dropped our appeal over possession and sales of vibrator case in 2008. We consider ourselves very competitive with states like New York and California, and we’re not just talking football and baseball. We realize that places like California and New York have pornography cases on their books that support pornographic movies not being subject to illegal prostitution. True, Texas does have some strong laws about prostitution and obscenity. But we bet it’ll be just a matter of time before we have some of that case law here in Texas, too.

Just wait a spell.

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