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A Letter from Max Hardcore: “I should have realized my case was doomed from the get-go”

via a post on, Max Hardcore writes:

Dear Friends,

I hope that you are all doing well when you read this delinquent dispatch, and none of your news is negative. I’m pleased to report that despite my recent legal lashing, I remain in good spirits here at the La Tuna Federal Labor Camp in southern New Mexico—the ‘Land of Enchantment.’

And while it’s never nice to be away from home for so long, at least they are teaching us some valuable skills, such as installing cramped cages into the beds of Border Patrol pick-ups to haul illegal immigrants … at the rate of $5.25 A MONTH!

I was distressed to discover, however, that in spite of the epic efforts of my ace attorney H. Louis ‘Lou’ Sirkin—who was armed with an absolutely awesome appeal he had personally prepared—the jaded justices of the 11th Circuit found fault with his inspired interpretation of the Constitution, and affirmed my conviction of making immoral motion pictures which were too tawdry for the poor people of Tampa, Fla., to tolerate.

It should be stated here for those who haven’t heard that no one from the Tampa area had protested my productions, and that none of these more explicit ‘European Version’ Videos were promoted for purchase anywhere in America. They were instead ordered by an ‘undercover operative’ working for the U.S. Justice Department from an international distributor without my knowledge, consent or control. But who’s counting?

Pardon me for a moment, as I have to give up my bottom bunk right now to a former pistol-packing border bandit who claims to have a bad back, the result, no doubt, of carrying all that cannabis he got caught smuggling in from Mexico.

My new ‘celly’ has just arrived to start serving a 19-month sentence (with no fine) for his second conviction of the same crime as part of a plea agreement which was negotiated by a public defender whom he never met in person. Consequently, I now have to move up to the undesirable upper bunk. (I am NOT making this up.)

As I was saying, I am truly troubled by this disturbing development, of course, as I had hoped that the appellate justices would have exercised a more enlightened understanding in upholding the rights of adult Americans to watch others fornicate on film, even if it is unsavory to some in the more conservative enclaves of the country.

Equally unsettling is that a jury of my purported peers would be unable to understand the importance of intercourse as a fundamental human function, then sentence me to prison for 46 MONTHS along with a fine of nearly ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS! All because my movies had ‘offended’ them and somehow violated their mysterious ‘community standards,’ which are nowhere written down. They don’t tolerate that kind of flagrant flouting of the law down in Central Florida, no, sir!

I should have realized my case was doomed from the get-go, but I failed to see the sign posted on the courtroom door which read: ‘FEDERAL REGULATIONS PROHIBIT CRIMINAL DEFENDANTS FROM ACTUALLY WINNING THEIR CASES—ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE A FILTHY PORNOGRAPHER.’ Unfortunately, I had been distracted when my illustrious attorney Lou told me that NOW would be a good time to take out a second mortgage on my home. (Okay; I made some of that up.)

As a result of this unfortunate oversight, I will now have to serve out the remainder of my sentence, and not be eligible for release until the end of this year—assuming there are no further legal levies placed upon my person.

In the interim, I’ll continue to keep my head held up high, secure in the knowledge that I am NOT a criminal, but the victim of a good old-fashioned mugging. And while it may sound disingenuous to declare, I’ve always felt that if you never shake up the status quo, then you’re not really living life anyway.

Now if you’ll please excuse me, I have to go out and run around the rec yard, so that when I am finally freed from this idiotic incarceration, I’ll be fit and ready to be reacquainted with my girlfriend Layla, who is anxiously awaiting my overdue arrival, along with my dutiful dog Sparky.

That’s all for now, but not forever. It just seems that way sometimes. I’m sure we’ll have another exciting year observing the bizarre behavior of the radical right and the crazy criminal justice system in their ongoing assaults on our civil liberties. Until the next time, I remain behind bars, for a safer and more secure America.

If anyone has any questions or comments and would like to contact me, my address is:
Paul F. Little #44902-112
La Tuna FCI
Post Office Box 3000
Anthony, NM 88021-9897

Thank you,

Paul F. Little AKA Max Hardcore


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