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A Review: Not Bewitched XXX

If you know any, then you know how adults get.

They see a little kid in a crib and start getting stupid with the baby talk, aaaaaaaaah, cootchie-cootchie-cooootchie-coo. Well, that’s what Will Ryder’s Not Bewitched XXX parody is like. You want to tickle it under the chin, squeeze its cheeks, smack its bottom and make gurgling and cooing noises. Because it’s cute, cuddly and adorable, that’s why. And with the film look going for it, it’s way in a league where porn TV satires were never able to go before.

Ryder has smartly and perfectly captured the magical essence of a show that survived perhaps way past its airing dates largely on the clean and wholesome sex appeal of Elizabeth Montgomery and her bewitching magic.

Me? I wanted to see Montgomery naked, and that would have been a trick all by itself. But that’s because I got to see her in more adult fare, in gangster films like Johnny Cool where you could successfully entertain those kinds of lascivious thoughts. Because, well, you’d been inspired to them by the hip-shaking and quite leggy Montgomery who never played that kind of charcater in sitcom.

Only I don’t know if lascivious is the right word to describe Ryder’s overall plan of attack.

Well, yeah, there’s this one rip roaring scene featuring Michelle Avanti who plays Gladys Kravitz the, fond-of-the-sauce, busy body next door neighbor. Gladys is forever peeking in windows while her silently suffering husband [Dino Bravo], his head in the newspaper, patronizes her in the hope she’ll shut her mouth.

Gladys has sworn that she’s seen Tabitha – transformed into a sexy 18 year old through an irreversible magic spell cast by Eva Angelina’s Aunt Clara which presents a few social complications- making love to a black man.

But, in the true, stilted, racial attitudes of the Sixties, she calls the cops: “Police? I want to report a Negro.”

That the investigating cop happens to be Jack Lawrence makes a lot of sense because Lawrence brings his own metropolitan costumes to the table if it suits the occasion. Pardon the pun. If Ryder needed a fireman, Lawrence could have filled that bill as well. So Lawrence has to patiently sift through the hysteria and have his nuts grabbed by the smart and sometimes foul-mouthed Endora [Nina Hartley] and her awning-sized eyelashes.

Lawrence is assured that girls in the neighborhood don’t date “coloreds,” but Gladys swears she saw Nathan “give me some of that white girl pussy” Threat chasing Tabitha [Teagan Presley] around the yard.

Threat has been catapulted to a grown up size by Tabitha. And Presley’s extremely well-suited to her role as a lively and smoldering girl who’s zoomed way past puberty, and is ready for the big leagues without batting practice. A solo masturbation scene certainly gets that point across.

Tabitha’s own magic spell creates Threat out of what looks like a Manny Ramirez doll in jungle fatigues, and he’s right on her tail. But the bigger surprise is that the storyline works it to where it’s Gladys who gets her volatile anus sodomized by Nathan. And it’s really good, highly animated, physical stuff- on par with awards nomination sex scenes.

Because Tabitha assesses that she’s not “quite ready for interracial relations,” she turns her other doll into a life size James Deen and fucks him like she’s been to the jungle and seen the wild animals.

Mike Horner, as Darren, long ago trademarked silent suffering and exasperation. So his Darren character gives him plenty of that kind of opportunity in dealing with his tipsy boss [James Bartholet]. The only thing missing in Bartholet’s characterization is a raincoat and a front row seat at the Pussycat Theatre evidenced by his 3D leers when dour model Sasha Gray walks into his office.

In an opportunity that never presents itself, it might have been someone’s fervent wish to say that Gray, in light of her current movie deals, is drenched with mainstream charisma, but that would be wishful thinking. Her desk top scene with fellow model Aaron Wilcoxxx is a little too polished on mechanics and less on wildly-charged abandon.

Jenna Haze, though, as Samantha, is very much at home with comedy. She’s allowed her character to flow with ease, natural grace and a quiet smile while Aunt Clara has successfully bumbled the chance to let her celebrate her child’s first birthday. A travesty perhaps in some magic circles, but not for Haze who also has the presence of mind to send Darren off to work with a smile.

Haze’s normal gonzo character is one who likes her sex hard boiled, poached and fried over easy in sweet creamery butter all at once, but here you get more of the over easy which is fine and perfectly suited to the housewife’s sexual role in that era.

There’s a lot of finger snapping and nose jiggling as you might expect, and Clara’s mishap brings Dr. Bombay [Ron Jeremy] in a blink arriving from a Friend Finders’ convention with a couple of lines stolen from an old burlesque act and several harem girls to shake their hips in approval.

A spine stiffening all-girl orgy is, too, in the offing but that has nothing to do with the plot-at-hand, if you want to get technical about it. And it’s Bombay who figures out how to reverse the spell- as long as Clara’s willing to fuck his virgin assistant Dr. Dane. [Dane Cross].

Certainly a lot of fraternization going on in a neighborhood that keeps the Freedom Bus parked down the next block.

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