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A STALK Is Not Just Something You Find Corn On

This is an unfortunate story, although quite funny.

Our good buddies and well known industry photographers, Ernie and Gordon come to KSEX quite often and take pictures of the live shows. They’re fun, respectful to the talent and give us copies of all the shots that we can use on our web site. We know that they submit them to the magazines and make a few bucks for submissions but we’re not bothered by that because it gives us press and promotion.

A couple of months ago they introduced us to a dude that they claimed took good photos and asked if he could cover some of the shows while they worked at other sets and events. We didn’t have a problem with it because Ernie and Gordon have always been good with us, so we gave him a shot.

His name is Allen, although we lovingly call him “Saddam” because of his middle eastern decent. He was good natured about our twisted humor and wasn’t bothered by the nick name.

After a few weeks at the studio we realized Saddam took great pictures and were happy with the results although a few oddities crept in that we needed to address. Saddam was beginning to get pushy with the hosts and the guests. “When are you going to take out your breasts” or “Pose this way, okay, take off your pants now” and other similar commands were directed at folks just trying to do a radio interview.

When this came to my attention, I took Saddam in my office and told him, “Dude…we appreciate you covering the shows but you need to chill the fuck out. You’re role here is to be a fly on the wall. By no means do you have the authority to direct the talent or the hosts to do ANYTHING. These stars come in for a ‘radio interview’, NOT a photo shoot. You take pics of them whether they flash the cameras or not but aside from hello, don’t even talk to them.”

He seemed to understand and things looked like they were going to work out.

Throughout the next few weeks, some of our big named Porn Jockeys began coming up to me on separate occasions telling me that they felt uncomfortable with Saddam. Claiming he was a slightly “creepy” and preditor-ish. Trying to be diplomatic at all times, I told them to give him a chance but that I would watch him closely.

About two weeks ago Saddam, who is also a jeweler by day, went on a trip out of the country for an obligation of some kind. While he was gone, some folks on our staff were talking to the good folks over at Playboy radio who told them something to the effect, “I heard you have Allen doing some things at your studio.” When it was confirmed to them, our PJs were informed that Allen is banned from the premises of Playboy and according to many staffers there, is considered to be a stalker.

Of course, this was all second hand information I was getting but it still raised great concern. Some of my PJs told me that Playboy security has actually caught him wondering around the parking lot, past the gated entrance. Allegedly, he sends the hosts of the shows flowers and gifts and he has been the talk of the office over there.

When I first heard this news, I still tried my best to find a way to give this guy a chance since, although we had some odd moments with him, he was always very nice and took great photos. I decided I would talk to him when he got back and see if we could sort the whole thing out.

Prior to Saddam’s return, the word got around the office about the warning from the Playboy staff and all of a sudden I found myself bombarded with PJs telling me that they were not comfortable doing their shows if this man was going to be there. At that point I decided, guilty or innocent of the allegations, Saddam had to go. I told Ernie about the situation and him and Gordon were very understanding and apologized to KSEX if there were any hard feelings, which there weren’t. Ernie handled it with Saddam, told him his days at KSEX were done and one would think it would end there.

When he returned from his trip, Saddam got the news about all that had gone down. Hearing it from Ernie must not have been enough because he called me and left countless messages wanting to talk about it. I returned his calls and I explained to him that I appreciated his services but at the same time, the most important thing to me is that my staff is relaxed, focused and putting on good radio shows. I explained that even if the things people were saying about him were untrue, the staff is concerned and I don’t want them coming to work feeling uncomfortable.

He seemed to understand and I thought all had worked out well.

Last night, moments before my Championship Softball game at Olive Field in Burbank, I was greeted, somewhat abrasively by Saddam. He showed up at the field [I’m not even sure how he knew where and when I was playing my game] and in front of all the mainstream teammates in a hurried aura said, “Wankus I need to speak with you.” I said, “Excuse me? I’m about to play a game here.” He said, “I’m sorry, is it a bad time?” I was like, “Ugh…yeah dude. I’m about to take the field and I’m trying to get ready for a big game.” The last thing I want to do was talk about his stalker issues. I then thought to myself, “Holy shit…he’s stalking ME now!”

He walked away and after I uncomfortably chuckled to myself, I got into the game, a squeaker that we were winning until the bottom of the 7th when an error cost us the Championship.

Somewhere around the 4th or 5th inning, I was in right field, a position I love playing because I like to run in and back up first base, I looked across the field and noticed what appeared to be a TV News Crew or High End Cable Broadcast Company shooting the game. From my view, it looked like a few tri-pods full of cameras and lights and a pretty hefty set up for a recreational softball game.

While running into the dug out at the end of the inning, I realized it was fuckin’ Saddam. He had set up a complete shoot kit and was taping the game complete with “still” pictures and all.

Now I was REALLY freaked out. LOL “Holy shit,” I thought to myself, “this guy is unbelievable.”

At game end, I just wanted to get the fuck out of there but I knew I’d have to face this dude again. He was kind enough to hand me a DV tape of the footage he shot and I appreciate that, but I can remember reaching out to grab the tape as he was passing it over, my hand shaking, head cocked like a deer who thinks he hears something in the woods and is getting ready to sprint as fast as he can.

I gotta tell ya. Sincerely, Saddam is a hell of a nice guy, but I think I made the right decision for KSEX.
 

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