Porn Valley- The bat signal goes out over Porn Valley tonight as Tony Batman begins hosting a weekly show on KSEX, Thursdays at 7pm.

The show is called I Don’t Think So, Buddy. And on a recent KSEX show that he hosted in place of Wankus, Batman could have been saying that about his car keys that got lifted unintentionally by Mickey G.

As he told the story the following Monday night, Batman talked about how he was still at KSEX towards the end of the previous Friday evening having just done The Wanker Show. Batman was the only one left in the studio besides Lorrainiac and Cuzz Fucker who were doing their show.

“They had a couple of guests but it was a beaner and a black guy,” Batman related. “I go to grab my keys, lock up the studio and go home and revel in the beautiful day that I had. The keys are not there. They’re gone. My cigarettes are gone; my lighter is gone- most everything that I had on the desk was gone.” Batman noted that the desk is in an employees-only area. Thinking that his car might also be gone, he ran out to check, but it was still there.

“Of course I already had one [car] stolen,” he said. Batman began calling people who were in the studio earlier, but no dice on his keys.

“No one knows anything,” Batman said, noting that on Layla Jade’s show Roxetta was in the studio with her boyfriend Mickey G.

“He’s a long time porner and I believe one of the first people ever to get pegged,” Batman continued.

“Is that a pirate movie?” co-host Rebecca Love asked him.

“It’s a one-legged movie, one-way or another,” Batman told her. “So I’m thinking they [Roxetta and Mickey G.] were back in that unauthorized area. They were the only ones back there. I’m thinking they have to have the keys. Maybe by accident they picked them up and they’ll be back. [Don’t bet on it.]

“Because I know if I’m somewhere or I’m at somebody’s house and I accidentally pick up their car keys with my car keys I feel bad and I’ll want to return it to them because I know they can’t get home,” Batman continued. “If you have someone’s car keys and they’re not yours and you’ve just left them somewhere you would think that you would go back and say oh I’m sorry. I picked these up by accident. These must be yours. Nothing like that. No phone call. No answering of the phone.”

“How did you know it was them?” Love wanted to know.

“I didn’t,” said Batman. “Those were the people that were back in that office, though. They were on that desk where my stuff was. So I was assuming that they would either know or would have seen who took them. Not that they stole them on purpose. Or in a rush to get out, maybe you just grabbed the keys. So we can’t get a hold of anybody.”

Stuck at KSEX, Batman wondered how he was going to get home.

“I called Soxxx up and Soxxx says, I don’t know. What are you going to do? I’m home already.” Batman noted that Soxxx lives far away. Because his studio key was also on the key ring, it was determined that Lorrainiac would lock up.

“My only option to leave the studio Friday night was to go home with the cousin fuckers to their trailer,” Batman announced. “I got in the car with the cousin fuckers.” According to Batman, one of the plans was to drive him home and he’d use his garage clicker to get into the house and try to find an extra key to the car.

“But the garage clicker was in the car which was locked,” Batman continued. “Not to worry. I told you on the show they had a beaner and a black guy. Who better than to break into my car? I found a coat hangar and in five minutes later or sooner I had the clicker to my garage in my hand. No problem.”

Making matters even funnier, once he got in the car, Batman turned the dome light of the car on so he could see what he was looking for. But he left it on when he went to re-lock the door.

“I look over and say can you break into my car, again, please? And they did- no problem whatsoever.”Noting that they had been drinking all night including cases of beer and tequila, Batman was invited back to the Cuzz Fuckers’ house.

“You can lay down on the couch for awhile and after we’ve all sobered up in the morning we’ll drive you home,” he was told. Batman said he had his reservations about spending any time in a trailer, that it had been 30 years since he was last in one.

Explaining how much he loved Lorrainiac and Cuzz Fucker, Batman still had to concede they live a different lifestyle.

“They have their lifestyle and a lot of us don’t fit into it,” he added. “We get to the trailer- Lorrainiac says we have to go into the pool because it’s been a hot night.”

Love seem surprised by the mention of a swimming pool.

“We go into the house- the air conditioner’s broken in the house,” said Batman inching slowly towards the punch line. “So it’s 510 degrees in there. We’re all drunk and she throws me a pair of shorts and says, oh, we’ll all go into the pool. We’ll be fine. We’ll have a couple more cocktails. We’ll all take a nap and go to sleep. I put the shorts on. I said, okay, where’s the pool? Right out the front door. I go back out the front door. In the driveway there’s a huge blowup pool right in the driveway. It was like a kiddie blowup pool. You got to picture this. My dick is completely sticky from getting completely sucked all night. There’s cum all over me. I’ve just gotten a brand new tattoo which is bleeding down my arm. I’ve got Saran Wrap taped all over my arm and I’m going out to the pool. There’s Cuzz Fucker. He has the garden hose filling up the pool with some water. The blowup pool which is in the driveway in front of everybody else’s home there.”

Batman guessed the time was now around three in the morning.

“I said we just sit out in front of everybody like this?” He was told they do it all the time when they come home, that it cools them down. Batman said he sat down in the kiddie pool, holding his cocktail in a Jack Daniels glass wearing the Cuzz Fucker’s clothes.

“I’m toasted now- I look up in the sky and I think to myself- you know when I move to LA and I’ve got the big radio job at KSEX? I knew that my life would be a little different than it was before. But I never knew this was the ‘different’ that I was going to get!”

Batman then closed his eyes and asked if this was the glamorous life he had been hoping for his whole life.

“This is it- I have come full circle in my life! And I want to thank KSEX radio for giving me the opportunity to stay here in Los Angeles with all the glitz and glamour.”

According to Batman, he fell asleep on the couch, but took note of a girl who goes to bed with Lorrainiac and Cuzz wondering where she came from.

“I wake up and it’s the next morning,” Batman continues. “And I’m the only one awake. Everybody is passed out drunk. Finally they get up and the phone rings. It’s Layla Jade. Because we had tried to call her before. It was her guests that I think have my keys. She gives us the number to the guests. I call them up real quick. Lorrainiac calls ’em. Cuzz calls ’em. No answer. No answer. One hour later this Mickey G. calls me back. You have my keys because I haven’t been home since yesterday and I’m really fuckin’ mad about it. I think I picked up an extra set of keys, he says. Extra!!?? There are no extra keys!! If they don’t fit something that you have, they’re not extra!!!!! They’re somebody elses!!!”

Batman now finds out that Mickey G. lives two exits up from KSEX, meaning all of this could have been avoided had Mickey G. bothered to return the keys to begin with.

“And still he could not bring back the keys,” said Batman. According to what Mickey G. told him, Mickey G. was tooling around on his bicycle and not home.

“I’m not far from Sardos,” Batman was told.

“Great- I know where that is- I’ll meet you there in about 15 minutes,” he tells Mickey G. Batman drives to Sardos with Cuzz Fucker. Nothing.

“I call this Mickey G. back again,” he continued. “Hey, where are you? I need my cars.” Mickey G. told him he was close to his house.

“We’re at Sardos,” Batman told him.

“You’re only moments away,” Mickey G. answered. At a determined intersection, Batman next drove over to meet him, but Mickey G. wasn’t there.

“I call him again. He says I’m riding my bike and about ten minutes away, still,” Batman said. Mickey G. finally rolls up to the intersection and says, “Follow me. My house is just a couple of blocks down.” “This is our fourth stop already,” Batman goes on.

Common sense being what it is, Love wondered why Mickey G. didn’t just have Batman meet him at his house in the first place instead of going through this scavenger hunt.

“That would have been too damn easy,” Batman shrugged.

“So we get behind him in the car and we’re going down this street,” Batman continued. “The traffic’s going on everywhere and he’s riding and pedaling as fast as he can. We’re right behind him until we get to his house.” Batman said they were going about 2 MPH with all kinds of traffic behind them.

“But we’re not going to let them pass because I don’t want to lose this guy!”

After they went another two blocks, they got to Mickey G.’s house with Mickey G. telling them the keys were in the house.

“I told you earlier why didn’t you just put them in your pocket,” Batman told him. “Obviously you were good at that at one point. Finally he comes down with the keys- I’m sorry, they kind of look like the keys we use.”

“Did my keys fit in your door!!??” Batman yelled aloud. “No. Those aren’t the keys!!”

After he got the keys, Cuzz dropped Batman back at KSEX.

“I make it home Saturday night from my Friday 7 o’clock show,” Batman concluded. “I should be grateful, shouldn’t I?

“That’s a great story,” Love had to admit.