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“DaVinci’s ludicrous Load”: Obviously This Writer Didn’t Like Hustler’s Feature

Indiana- [media.www.usishield.com]- Video renters of Evansville learn from my mistake: The DaVinci Load is not the same thing asThe DaVinci Code.

Searching Premiere Video last week – hoping to satisfy an insatiable hunger for religious-flavored adventure – I somehow wandered through a white door marked with a black sign: Adults Only: Over 18 admitted.

Behind the door lied an excluded room filled with movies in addition to those showcased in the store’s main sales floor.

Many of the DVD cases were plastered with pictures of nude women lying on their stomach, their right eyes hidden by tasseled fingers of hair.

They wore serious, almost nauseated faces.

Confused, I scanned the women in search of the Tom Hanks/Ron Howard thriller.

Why would a film about unearthing the truth behind the origins of Christianity be nestled between bare breasts and thighs?

Then the truth hit me like a vague riddle hidden by a black light: Audrey Tautou!

Tautou – Hanks’ female co- star – starred in French films before landing her English-language big break in The DaVinci Code.

Of course. I thought. I’ve stumbled into the foreign film section.

Across the room I noticed a movie with “DaVinci” in the title, stuffed it in an opaque-black bag and headed home, ready to be mentally stimulated by my newly acquired “adult entertainment.”

The DaVinci Load, however, did not stimulate me at all.

Mentally.

The plot of the film was insanely derivative, wildly unoriginal and full of holes.

The film opens with detectives and CSI officers investigating the murder of a naked man in a museum.

Brunette detective Marci leads the case, and with the help of her cohorts (and a black light) finds a message written in “sexual discharge” on the gallery floor: Teabag Nadia Saint.

Frustratingly, the filmmakers never explain the significance of tea or any other caffeinated beverage to the plot.

Nevertheless, this discovery eventually leads to fellatio instructor Nadia Saint.

Saint, a petite blonde with a penchant for pink lace, belongs to the Priory of Semen: a secret society responsible for the preservation, collection and consumption of great artists’ sperm.

The society savors the seed of the masters who’ve come and gone over the years: Shakespeare, Isaac Newton, Victor Hugo and, of course, Leonardo DaVinci, who apparently created the majority of the Mona Lisa with a “load” of his own personal paint.

How a group preserves and consumes semen is never explained by the filmmakers, and causes the plot of the film to completely derail.

The gratuitous, non-sequitur sex scenes also bog down the film.

At times, The DaVinci Load feels almost like pornography.

For example, a man named Tony (played with sleepwalker- like precision by one James Deen) engages in graphic sex with a woman in the back of an ice cream truck.

The scene drones on for nearly twenty minutes and is immedi- ately followed by a tedious scene involving the aforementioned Marci and a Fabio-esque art professor who never puts his down his pipe.

How do perverted sexual acts pertain to religious conspiracy and the Catholic Church?

The constant digressions from an already shaky plot render The DaVinci Loadamessy wad of bad acting, cliche? writing and uninspired directing.

Questions remain long after the final scene: why was the man in the museum killed?

What’s the origin of the Priory?

And, most importantly, why do the actresses look directly into the camera when delivering dialogue?

A note to the filmmakers: clean up your act and generate some original ideas.

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

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